My grandfather (mom's dad) died yesterday unexpected. He was only 68. My mom is so totally not herself, like she has been lying in bed crying for 2 days! I loved my grandfather but he lived 3 states away, so really I have only seen him a few times in my life.
Although I did love him I can't really feel the pain that my mom must feel. I have tried to comfort her but evertime I do she grabs me and starts crying on my shoulder and saying that we kids (me and my sister and brother) take our dad for granted, and we should never take him for granted.
This depresses me because all of us kids have a decent relationship with the both of our parents but sometimes we just don't really show it outwardly.
So why does my mom turn her grief into something unbearable for all of us? I think my mom is using this as a reason to feel sorry for herself and the same time make all of us miserable. I would like some advice...thanks
2006-11-13 17:13:35 · 12 answers · asked by debra m 1 in Health ➔ Mental Health
come on..your mom is sad and she needs your help. its not that she is making you guys guilty, its that SHE is feeling guilty. she is feeling that she didnot spend much time with your grandpa and doesnot want the same to happen to you guys. tell her that it is not her fault that he passed away and that he always loved her, no matter what. assure her that she was a good daughter and where ever he is, he is happy with her.your mom needs you the most now. tell her that you guys will have family quality time every weekends and do something fun. maybe this will make her feel less guilty and less scared.
2006-11-13 17:28:52 · answer #1 · answered by atahsina 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think your mother is overwhelmed with grief and maybe guilt. If you live far away from your grandfather, maybe she feels like she abandoned him and has guilt over it. She took him for granted that he would always be there and now he is not. The grief from losing a parent is terrible and painful. Your mother does not mean to make you miserable, she is just so miserable herself that she does not realize how it is effecting you. Tell her exactly what you said here, that you never take your father for granted and tell her you love her and you are sorry she is so sad. Sit with her and hold her hand and all this will pass with time. There will come a day when you will understand her grief and you will be glad that you did all you could to make it better for her.........So sorry for your loss.
2006-11-14 01:26:26 · answer #2 · answered by nesmith52 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
People handle grief in different ways. Nobody handles it the same. Maybe she is telling you that you take your dad for granted, because she took it for granted that her dad was going to be around for her forever. Try talking to her, and ask her to tell you about your grandfather, and what he was like. It might help for her to be able to talk about the good things about him.
If she keeps this up for an extended amount of time, she may need to have a nerve pill or something for awhile.
Good luck, and remember that everyone grieves differently.
2006-11-14 01:24:06 · answer #3 · answered by bettyboop 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Everyone grieves in their own way. It's not her trying to make anyone feel sorry for her. When you lose a parent, it hits you hard. Especially if your realize you treated that parent like crap whe you were younger or you never got to tell them how you really feel. Be paitent with her, she'll get back to normal. Just try to be there for her as much as you can. Tell her that staying in bed is not good ofr her though. Try to get her to take a hot bath and relax. Her father wouldn't want her to mope around all the time and remember the good times she had. My guess is she might have been a daddy's girl at one point. It just hit her hard. Give her time, she'll be okay.
2006-11-14 01:26:19 · answer #4 · answered by dreataber 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is called attachment. It is easy to attach yourself to another person, especially a family member. You are a little more detached from your grandfather, and its not a bad thing or an evil thing. What your mom is going through is something that everyone will go through when a close family member dies. It is only mourning, and your mom will get better soon enough.
Stay strong and just continue doing what your doing.
2006-11-14 01:23:47 · answer #5 · answered by Sir 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow, sounds like a bad situation. I know your mom is making this hard for you right now but please be patient with her she is doing some serious greiving right now and needs your support. She knows you love your dad, just take comments like that with a grain of salt and remember what's importamt here is helping mom through this very painful time. Tell here what you just told us about expressing how you feel outwardly, talk to mom. chances are you'll have a good cry and just maybe you'll both feel better.
2006-11-14 01:22:34 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
My condolences....
It's very hard to deal with greif when you are not feeling it as strongly. I know this is probably hard for you, but imagine how it must be for your mother. She probably is feeling sorry for herself, most people do when they realize they've lost someone they cared about. Death can invoke very selfish feelings in the living. The only thing I can tell you continue to be comforting, this is going to take time. Your mother will probably continue to do or say things that are widely out of character, until she can reach the acceptance part of her greiving. Try to be patient, she is not doing this to you on prupose I'm sure.
Good Luck...
2006-11-14 01:25:23 · answer #7 · answered by All I Hear Is Blah Blah Blah... 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all your mom needs your support right now. Second there are 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & acceptance. People go through each stage, some faster than others. Third, your mother may have this she never got to reconcile with her dad that she wants to make sure you never do with your dad.
2006-11-14 01:26:48 · answer #8 · answered by lpnblondie 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your mom is greiving and probably knows she took her dad for granted too. She thought he would live for a long time and yet he died so young and suddenly. Things will get better. Give your mom support to help her through this trying time.
2006-11-14 01:24:34 · answer #9 · answered by prarierosebud 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm a mom...and I too have lost my Dad.
Trust me.....she feels like she has been knocked off her feet with pain. Any girl....no matter her age....has a special link with her Dad.
She needs you to understand and to give her some space. She isn't going to be herself, for a while. Just be there for her when you can, and realize just what a heavy impact such a tradgey has on a person.
No, she isn't feeling sorry for herself....she genuinely is hurting. Think of her......you may be depressed....but, she is in great pain.
Moms have feelings, too. We aren't invincible like our kids tend to think we are.
Hope this helps! God bless you and your family.
2006-11-14 01:26:55 · answer #10 · answered by treefrog 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋