Having major problems with my eldest daughter?

Question

Last year my husband and l separated for a short time when l found out he had been cheating on me. My daughter was very supportive which l love about her. The problem now though is that she refuses to have anything to do with her father even though we have sorted things out. She feels that he will cheat again and she hates him for what he has done to our family. I am trying to put it all behind us, not forget ofcourse but atleast learn to forgive. I don't think she will ever forgive her father. She is engaged and living with her fiancee so l guess it helps that we do not all live in the same house. I have spoken to my husband and expressed my concerns and he just says if that's how she wants to be it's her problem. The way l see it , it is our problem, she will not come to our home, if l want to see her l must visit her. Things are really starting to get me down. Does anyone have any suggestions please ??? I really need some help with this one.

Thank-you for your answers so far. Yes my daughter does feel betrayed but her and her father got on very well before this happened. He is very remorseful for what he has done and l believe him when he says it will never happen again. Everyone deserves a second chance Right !!!

Yes she does have a problem with, how l could take him back and ever trust him again. I guess l can sort of understand where she is coming from.It just comes with loving someone for so long it hurts to be apart, l guess.

Answer 1

I doubt very much that your daughter would agree to any form of family counselling to help resolve things, but this is one thing that may help. By having a non-partial mediator discuss things in an open and mature manner would allow everyone involved to speak their mind and help sort things out perhaps. Perhaps you could try and inform your daughter that this would be the greatest gift that she ever gave you for Christmas by agreeing to attend such sessions. I'm certain also that you would like to be escorted to your daughter's wedding by her father and with all these unresolved issues I'm willing to bet that you'll be going stag. Inform your little girl that although her dad did make a mistake that you have forgiven him and that everyone should be given a second chance if they have so deserved it. Best of luck to you and your family as a whole.

Answer 2

Here's my problem:
"he just says if that's how she wants to be it's her problem." This is a big red flag waving in front of you! Is that how he reacted when you were upset that he cheated? He sounds like a selfish parent and I think that must be the case with him as a husband, as well. Please put more thought into what you are doing...I think you're foolish to allow him back into your life. Your daughter's right and it's wrong to pressure her into forgiving him. She isn't ready, and obviously has better instincts about him than you.

How could you love a man that doesn't care that he tore apart a family? And why should he? After all, you did take him back without any effort on his part to fix ALL of what he broke.

Answer 3

kazz: Simply put; your husband violated trust and the consequences permeate throughout the family structure. It is not your fault your husband played around .. so don't blame yourself. It is your husbands fault ! The onus is on HIM to make amends with your daughter. Your daughter was with you during the separation part, experienced and shared the pain with you. This left a scar on your daughter. This adverse experience will affect your daughter's relationship with her husband to be, as she is carrying it into her marriage. And ... it IS your husband's problem that his daughter is giving him the cold shoulder. He has to realize that he started the "ball" rolling by cheating and it is entirely his responsibility to attempt, whole heartily, to mend the rift. Think about any Grand children ... what will happen when she keeps them away from your home because of daddy's fling ?
Forgiveness begins with a SINCERE apology from dad !

Answer 4

He is right to a point if she is out on her own it will be hard to clear up. BUT you are leting him off easy again IT IS NOT JUST HER PROBLEM IT IS HIS TOO. HE IS THE ONE THAT CHEATED HE IS THE ONE THAT SHATTERED HIS LITTLE GIRLS DREAM OF HER DAD. HE may have been able to convince you , but he has to put the work in to convince her, and if he was the type of dad that cared he would make it a PRIORITY. Obvisouly she cant really understand why you took him back and how you can trust him again. he was the one that was wrong not you he should be trying to find a way to reconcile with his daughter. he must have no idea what this will do to her and her future marriage

Answer 5

Your daughter has every reason to be upset and angry..First of all her dad cheated on her MOM, and from the way your husband is acting like it's her problem she has every reason to be upset.She might feel that he don't care and that as long as YOU took him back he really doesn't have to answer to all the problem's he has created in the family.Maybe she has had experience with a cheater and knows the hurt involved who knows,or maybe she caught him cheating.
Till this can be worked out how can you choose your daughter over your husband or vise-versa? I suggest family therapy,even if it is just one on one at first till you can all sit as a family. Good Luck.

Answer 6

I think your daughter feels that not only did her dad cheat you her mother, he also cheated on her ( no not sexually)but, by putting a strange woman ahead of her...
To regain someones trust after being hurt and betrayed is a HARD thing to do and it will take TIME for her.
If her dad is saying that its "her" problem then he is again being "Hurtfull" to her by not RESPECTING her feelings.
He needs to call her and ask to talk to her face to face.
Appologise and beg her forgivness.
Since he took the 1st steps to mess things up, he needs to be a man and a dad and take the 1st steps to patch things up with her.
If you and your husband have come to terms between the two of you, TRUST me she will be watching, if any just to see how he treats you. her mother. If things continue to go well between you and him, then maybe in her own time she will come back around.

Answer 7

Ok, you have managed to conclude that your daughter has lost her trust in your husband/her father. Now, what you can try on her will be to spin it around and explain to yoru daughter the numerous times your daughter, while growing up, disappointed you & your husband, but yet, you still loved her unconditionally. There is a special bond between parents & children and a different bond between husband & wife. Now, your daughter has to realise that as humans, we are still capable of making mistakes in life and just becos we become a parent, it does not make us as exceptions. Good luck!

Answer 8

Of course your daughter is going to be upset about what ha happened... Your husband but your entire families life in a horrible situation. I don't think there is really anything you can do about how she feels but not only did he betray you but her as well and she is still sore. I don't know your daughter so i can't say for sure but i don't think she will be getting over this anytime soon.... But good luck, i wish you and your family well

Answer 9

It seems to me that your husband needs to apologize to your daughter. I'm sure he has apologized to you for his unfaithfulness, but what he is not seeing is that it did'nt just effect you. It effected your entire family. Obviously your oldest daughter was effected the most because she is more mature and understood what was going on. Her feelings were hurt and maybe if her father realized this and talked to her one on one, she would accept his apology. Then over time his behavior will prove to her that she can trust him again.

Answer 10

Maybe trying explaining to your husband the way you feel and ask him to talk to her and let her know that he is sorry for what he has done and he never ment to hurt you guys that way. Ask your daughter why she is angry with him and ask her for details and then ask her if she would be okay to talk to him and try and sort things out. Tell them they are acting like children and both need to grow up and talk about the problem. Ignoring it only makes things worse.