Help. My boyfriend's kid is a nightmare?

Question

My boyfriend is divorced with a 6 yr old son. I'm divorced with an 11 yr old girl. His son has been diagnosed with ADHD (which I'm not even sure I believe in). The child has frequent temper tantrums, tells us to f*** off, calls us fat, stupid, a**hole, the n word, etc. He spits, gives the finger and recently broke his grandma's nose.

I instituted a rule at my house: no swearing, whining, or name-calling allowed. Each time this happens, I calmly remind him of the rules, and after 3 incidents, I ask them to leave. I never yell, or get angry. Now my boyfriend says I'm not "handling" the child or the situation properly. He told me to deal with it the way I would have with my daughter, but she never acted like this!!!! It's difficult to discuss with my boyfriend as he gets very defensive, which I understand.

Any ideas on how to deal with this situation more effectively? I'm at my wits end and am now avoiding spending time with the child, which doesn't help the relationship.

These are all great answers. Thank you so much.

The child is on ADHD meds which do help. I agree that it's not the condition, it's a discipline issue. The mom is remarried and personally, I don't think she's a very good mother. They were both very young when they had him.

The child seems to like being at my house and around my daughter. It is breaking my heart to see a little 6 yr old kid acting like this. He wants attention but is just alienating everyone. This issue, if not resolved soon, will probably break us up.

The dad does spend one-on-one time with his son. Currently, I only see the 2 of them together about once a month.

Thanks again.

Answer 1

If you love your daughter which I know you do put her first always think of your own children. I was with my boyfriend for 6 years and he has one boy and I have two girls. I recently left him 2weeks ago because of the kids (on going arguements) my girls (being girls) didnt act like his son (angle that done no wrong)blahh blahh. Anyways now my ex is taking me to court for custody battle. I know this is different situation but if Daddy dont want to discipline him for his behavior then your not going to change that situation by no means. Sounds like he wants someone else to deal with the parenting. You need to move on. If he is defensive now it isnt going to get any better. I got to where I didnt care if his son came to the house and that wasnt his fault and not right for me to be that way so I left. (much happier now and my girls want to be with mom now) It is very difficult to be divorced parents and get into new relationship when you have children (most of the time) If you havent been in this relationship very long consider getting out. Took me awhile thought I could change the boyfriend not gonna happen. If its not to bad now later on down the road it could get alot worse.
Lots of luck to ya.

Answer 2

Wow, I am feeling really bad for everyone in this situation. I don't blame you for not wanting to spend tome with the child. What is the dad doing to help him? Obviously the issue is deeper than ADHD. His parents have split up, he's being shuffled around from place to place, even a "normal" kid would be having a hard time. He needs behavior modification and some therapy. If Dad doesn't do something, the child will end up in ALOT of trouble in a very short time.
As for you, please don't think this harsh, but you need to remove yourself from this relationship. You have your rules and there is nothing wrong with that. But if Dad is having a hard time with them, then he is not the right guy. It is YOUR home. If an adult friend came over and acted in the same manner I'm sure they would be thrown out. A six year old should know better and if Dad isn't willing to fix the problem, then you should move on. You have your own child to think about. You don't want to endanger her, do you?
And a final note. If the child id THAT out of control and no adult is addressing the issue, you NEED to call family sevices. The child needs help.

Answer 3

I think there are real cases of ADHD but for the most part most of these kids need discipline more than medication. Some parents would rather have their kid pop a pill and keep them calm then to have to deal with any actual problems the child has. Does this child receive any discipline? If not, he wants attention and this is his way of getting it. It seems to be working too. This child needs to be gotten under control. If he is medicated, are they giving him the meds everyday? If they miss any doses, it will not be as effective. If he is still acting out even with medication, he needs to be taken back to the doctor and re-evaluated. Maybe he doesn't need the medication at all, just a good spanking!!!!!!

You need to have a serious conversation with your boyfriend and tell him that you can't allow that sort of behavior in your house that it is a bad influence on your daughter. I would also express my concerns for his very violent behavior saying that he could really hurt someone and that you are just afraid that you or your daughter will get hurt. I would also suggest that maybe he needs to see a doctor and maybe even a counselor for his issues. It will not hurt. If your boy friend gets angry with you for expressing concern for his son then maybe you aren't in the right relationship for you.

I hope this helps.

Answer 4

Bless your heart, I am afraid this could cause some major relationship issues. I mean if he is not man enough to disipline his child & make him be respectful, then he can't expect you to put up with it or for you to do the work & be the bad guy...oh my, sounds like the kid has some major discipline issues 1st and then possible address the ADHD 2nd, if it exists in this child. ADHD does not make them "bad" necessarily, my son is ADHD (I fought the diagnosis for a few years before I gave in & he is on meds now.) but he isn't mean at all, he simply cannot stay focused. He is a real sweet kid with a great personality, he would just act out at school but not as you described. He was just disruptive because his mind was going too fast, if that makes sense. Now he pays attention & is calmer. But he never cussed or hit...he wouldn't dare...lol. Good luck girl, I hopoe all gets better.

Answer 5

This sounds very similar to my situation. My BF's son is 12, was treating me horribly, my BF said I wasnt handling it well(see my questions for details, I wont bore u here) so I finally told him"Make him behave or visit him at your parents house. If I feel I cannot talk to you about his behavior, he will no longer be permitted to visit here. If he misbehaves and I mention it to you and you scream and swear at me I will demand he be removed from this house immediately, and will no longer visit here." We had an ugly week or two after that but the kid does behave better. We live together, I own the house. I did NOT know his son was like this until AFTER we moved in together. I was just not around the kid very much. If you are not living together dont move in together or get married, I guarantee it will get worse, MUCH worse.My boyfriend now wants his son to move in with us, this kid also has a horrible mother. I will not allow it, I know it will be a nightmare. The only way I could I could get my BF to disclipline his son was threaten him with not coming here again ever. That would be hard if he was living here :)

I know what you mean by "very defensive", he has probably screamed at you and called you names(or will very soon) when you tried to talk to him about his son. This is his way of trying make you just be quiet and take abuse from the kid.

I also have to admit part of the reason I stay is because I have been with my BF so long, I love him and its great when his son is not here. Now I also realize he kept his son away from me because for so long because of the kid (also ADHD with learning disabilities he is 12 and reads at 2nd grade level)


If you have just started dating this guy you might want make a clean break now...also think of how this is affecting your daughter, watching this other child treat you that way.

Answer 6

This poor little boy needs love more than anything, and if you feel that his mother is not doing the best job to help him behaviorally, then, if you really want it to work out with your boyfriend, maybe you could see about him coming to stay with you for a while, so he can feel what it's like to be in a loving supportive environment and he may feel less need to act out as I believe that even little kids can feel stress. Positive reinforcement, pointing out to him his good behavior and how you are proud of him for it, and something as simple as a Hug after reading a bedtime story to him may help him come to trust you and feel secure to the point where he may stop acting out. Don't discredit his ADHD, it is very real, but maybe try to look past that and realize that he is just a little boy who wants to be loved. Children need to feel safe.
If you try and things don't work, and if you must end the relationship if your daughter's welfare is in jeopardy, you'll always know that you did your best and I'm sure your daughter will be proud of you for reaching out to another child and being such a caring Mom and person. Good Luck.

Answer 7

How do you mean do you do not believe in ADHD?..That is a real condition many people have, and suffer for it. Is the child getting help at all from a Dr?..Is he on medicine?..It could be it needs to be reevaluated and perhaps changed. Obviously this 6 year old has problems that goes far beyond, setting rules in your House and wondering why he does not abide by them. Most likely because he can not control what he is doing.
it is very concerning he has broken his grandman's nose..i think that would show he is in dire need of some help and support.
I can well imgine it would be very diffucult for you to have to deal with this..it is not easy at all. If he is getting support and help from a Dr, perhaps you could ask if there is a support group for parents. There often is something around that you and his dad can go to to learn more.
In the mean time..his diet should be a healthy one,,he does not need extra sugar in him.

Answer 8

It is not your job to "handle" this kid. By putting the blame on you he is not teaching the child to be responsible for his actions. He is one of those parents who thinks his kid can do no wrong, or should be allowed to do what he wants because he"has problems". I also say this ADHD stuff is overused. This kid is just plain nasty. Your BF is probably one of those people who thinks "Everyone is picking on my kid!!" when its actually the kid picking on everyone else.

I feel so bad for your daughter..I would end this relationship for her sake. Again I must stress this is not your fault, no matter how much he tells you it is.By "very defensive" I am sure you mean he tries to intimidate you. Your boyfriend needs to understand that the world does not revolve around his son.And youre right in staying away from the kid.

Answer 9

i know how you feel on this on, my daughter is almost 8 and gives me no problem at all, my boy friends kid is 9 and has spend more time in ISS then in class at school, he hits he yells he hit my daughter one day and i almost killed him.

i know when you say that your daughter never acts like that i know that one, i had to close my home daycare becasue he was there and i could not have little kids 2/3 yrs old around with him there.

it could so bad one night that we had to have to cops come (he was 5 then) because he had gottne into kitchen and had some how gotten a knife out and went after his dad.

you need to sit down with you bf with no kids and tell him that something has to be done NOW not later or another day but right now. then call his doc and tell him that you need help and what is going on maybe meds is what he needs, it worked for us.

you must do it soon before he hurts some one really bad, next time it might be you daughter

Answer 10

I think you have the right idea you should have rules in your house and by the sound of it your doing the right kind three strikes and there's a consequence instead of leaving could you have a time out step?? this means he'll start to respect you more and still enjoy spending time with you and your daughter. I've found that children with adh need tight boundaries to make them feel safe and secure they quickly learn to respect the rules and this will mean he will respect you. you'll need to have a very strong will as he'll try to be stronger but once your boyfriend See's your not hurting but helping encourage his little boy to be part of your family he'll may be use the technique himself i hope this helps good luck