How do I get my 8 yr old son to behave?

Question

I am at my wits end with this child. Some examples of the behavior that drives me crazy : if he is told he can't have something (candy, other treats) he waits until I'm not looking, takes it anyway and hides the evidence in his pillow case. He has a list of chores to do every night that he only partially completes. I have to literally stand over him and watch his every move to make sure all his chores get done which is impossible because i have 2 other younger children that need my attention too. When he is told to take a shower he hops in, gets wet, then hops out. I thought he was old enough to shower by himself, he needs the privacy, but then he never washes himself. He lies constantly about the smallest things, ("Did you wash your face?" "yes" he replies with a milk mustache. I am tired of fighting with him every night to get him to do what needs to be done. I don't think 8 is too young to have some household responsibilities. How do I get him to respect my rules?

I feel like I am constantly yelling at him and nothing ever changes. I've tried to reward good behavior and punish bad but that didn't work, he wanted to be rewarded for everything then. I've tried grounding but that did nothing to improve his behavior either. It's getting to the point where I just do not like being around him because of the stress it causes to both of us. The little things that I have to remind him about every day are the worst. "rinse out the sink", "wipe of the counter", etc. Please help me.

Wendy, I am not being to tough on him and the missing candy is not the point. The point is that he doesn't follow my rules. I have a hard time dealing with a child that does not respect my rules, that is my issue. To become lax in my expectations will only make him become one of these brats you see in the super market that cries to get his way. Mom say "no" and the kid throws a fit, then Mom caves to get the kid to stop crying and the kid gets what he wants.

The chores I expect him to do are load the dishwasher, take the recyclable out to the garage, wipe off the table after a meal, and keep his room clean. I don't think any of these are beyond the abilities of an 8 yr old.

Call me old fashioned but to demand respect from my children is not too much to ask.

Answer 1

Simple, one word answer:

Discipline.

Consistently applied discipline (even when you're exhausted) by both parents if applicable is the key to working with strong-willed children. My oldest son is very stubborn and strong-willed (now a 19-year old college freshman) and that's what it took from my wife and I.

Best to you.

Answer 2

you are not asking too much as far as behavior
the problem is he has learned what he can get away with - particularly when you are occupied with the other kids..and he has learned that his tactics are a good way to get your time and attention away from them and on him (like dogs, kids think even bad attention is still attention worth having)
punishment of grounding isnt effective unless you are grounding him in a room with no toys...
best punishment is removal of toys or TV privaliges.. and denial of your attentions when he is bad..
"ok you dont think you have to empty the dishwasher.. fine.. I am taking your Gameboy and you dont get it back until you have unloaded the dishwasher 3 days in a row" and STICK TO IT.........
"fine you dont want to shower.. well we are going to the movies.. I will get you a baby sitter and you can stay home"
BE FIRM STICK TO THE RULES.. write them out - every thing has a punishment.. and very little except doing extras or doing something without being told gets a reward

is he stealing the candy?? make him return it... otherwise dont have candy at home that he knows where it is...too many fat kids anyhow...

make sure he doesnt have too many chores - an 8 yr old isnt your personal slave.. hes your kid.. he can HELP but he shouldnt be running the house for you.. thats your job and a decision you made when you had kids to accept the work load yourself.. the dishwasher is plenty for him.. and keeping his room semi- tidy

Answer 3

Being a mother of 5 children I have some experience 1st let me tell you children respond to authority the way they see it. If you are a passive parent then at some point he has gotten away with these things more than enough and he knows that. Having other children can cause you to not pay close attention to small things you should give choices ;example Hey either you wash properly in the shower or I am gonna wash you ; then tell him something nice to reenforce it like you know I really think its awesome when you do things without fighting with me about it. Children love to feel like you are treating them as if they were older NOT to much older and dont expect a 9 year old to be perfect and definately dont overload him with chores. Good luck remember he is still a child

Answer 4

What kind of chores would you have an 8 year old do?
If he's the oldest, he might be doing this for the attention. Do you spend fun time with him also.
Kids are kids and he probably thinks he getting one over mom by taking the candy. If you don't want him having any put somewhere he can't get.
My son hated water at that age also, I think that's a boy thing.
I think maybe you might be stressed a little and kids will pick up on this also and that can make it way worse than what it really is.
I think it sounds like you have a normal life and kids, just enjoy them while they are young. They grow up soooooooo quickly.

Answer 5

You're being way too tough on him. If all you have to complain about is some stolen candy and a dirty face, be happy. Many 8 year olds have way worse behavior. You get him to do some chores, thats more than most parents. Sounds like a perfectly normal, if not better than normal, boy.

Answer 6

Try making a chart of your daily expectations for him. For every expectation he meets, give him a sticker. When he gets so many stickers in a week, he gets a small reward like choosing where you go out to eat. The chart should be somewhere visible. As a teacher sometimes I forget how important it is to have their goals clearly visible. It really helps. :) Don't bother yelling anymore- it's not working and it only puts a strain on your voice. Tell him matter of factly, "I'm sorry, you didn't wash yourself well enough. You don't get a sticker" and leave it at that. His classmates will comment on his odor (trust me), and he'll decide to change on his own.
Good luck!

Answer 7

respect-is learned not demanded,he needs counseling also maybe an out side interest.sports that helps teach respect,with that you have good behavior,he wants attention why not negative attention,it works for him.y ask him if he washed his face if you see milk just simply send him back [ you missed some ]whats his behavior like in school? i would speak to a school counseler or family counseler. his room isn't picked up no tv- video game-out doors until it's done.i don't know any 8yr olds who clean counters. his chores should consist of cleaning room,not your chores.he is lashing out & if u don't get help its going to get worse.wheres daddy? lighten up some you might see a difference.he's not a adult,let him see a different side,i realize 3 is alot but he has to be a kid.

Answer 8

He sounds normal to me. He's testing how far he can go and get away with it. If HE feels that the younger kids are getting all the attention, of course he will not do his chores, even negative attention is better than none. The problem looks so big to you because you are looking at 'the big picture' and he's only looking at today.

Answer 9

He sounds like a normal kid to me. Don't give him too many chores to do. You don't mention what type of chores he has; perhaps they are beyond his age to complete? Be patient with him, show him you love him, try not to be angry, it doesn't help matters. Don't stand over him either as it will reduce his self confidence. Remember, his is only 8.

Answer 10

Discipline and consistency in everything you do. Follow through with your threats.... That is so important. That's it !!! Seems simple, but for some reason it is so hard for many to do!!