Her mother had custody when my boyfriend and her split, but then she got a job as a stripper and left the little girl (4 yrs) with a granparent for 2 months. as soon as we found out we went and got her and have had her ever since, about 6 months. It took her mom 3 months before she even realized we had her. When she did she agreed to let us keep her. She said she would have a better life with us. Everything was great until she came to visit for her daughters birthday. Ever since then she has been crying for her mother about 4 to 5 times a day. I feel bad for her but It's starting to seem like a way to get sympathy when she is in trouble this has been constant since the one and only visit we got from her mom, over two months ago what should I say?
2006-11-13 07:03:35 · 11 answers · asked by bondomite 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
This is definitely challenging and kudos to you for taking the Mommy role seriously. She is not too young to talk to a pediatric psychologist. Explain to her what your role is and here's a biggy that we tend to forget to say: "I will never leave you."
If you say: "Mommy is busy with her work right now" she will hear, "Everything is more important than me". Prepare her and set up expectations be fore the mom arrives and spend time with her after she leaves. Have a good routine. Make sure the mom does NOT make a big deal when she arrives or when she leaves.
Good luck. It's a toughy.
2006-11-13 07:11:20 · answer #1 · answered by donewiththismess 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
your suspicions are right on target with the child. When she whines for mom, simply explain that mom can't take care of her right now. Don't go into a long and detailed answer, she doesn't have the ability to understand. Short simple answers are best. Now for the hardest part.... making those answers not sound like mommy "abandoned you". Once she realizes that the two of you are going to continue to be a constant her life she will get better, but chances are things will get more frustrating before they do. Have patience and remember that she can't help the circumstances, just as the two of you can't.
2006-11-13 07:44:43 · answer #2 · answered by kim h 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ouch. Points to you for trying to make this little girl's life better. This is one of those things that nobody but Mommy can solve completely (by doing things she's unlikely to do), but you can help.
A few things come to mind:
> when she cries, you hold her and tell her that you know she misses her Mom and it hurts, but you want her to know you care about her and you and her Dad are there for her;
> you plan activities together (you and her, you and her and Dad) that are fun (even simple things, like making Christmas cards, coloring, playing age-appropriate games);
> you make sure she has structure;
> you set limits and kindly, but firmly, enforce them - and tell her that you love her, so you can't let her get away with everything, because it's your job (and her Dad's) to keep her safe.
Sure, she's seeking attention - she's a kid, unhappy, feeling unloved and abandoned by her Mom, plus at her age, she doesn't have the vocabulary or life experience to express how she feels, except in a broad way. It's natural. Should get better over time if her home life is supportive and calm.
Good luck!
2006-11-13 07:20:31 · answer #3 · answered by peculiarpup 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well I hope you already know not to be saying anything "negative" about her mom. Doesn't matter what kind of person the mom is, or what she does for a living, but never speak bad of her in front of the child.
If you know she's useing the crying bit to get out of trouble, what kind of trouble are you talking about?
Kid's will use the "missing" parent in their excuses for things, but you have to stop a minute and think....................she's been tossed around. She must really love her mom to be missing her so much. Are you giving her enough love?? Kisses, hugs, quiet talks, BONDING............she does have to suffer the consequences when she is bad, but is she REALLY bad?
She's lost right now. Just show her a bit more attention and give her responsibilites so she knows she is important and fits in where she is.
2006-11-13 07:19:23 · answer #4 · answered by peggin_beast 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It does sound like it is manipulative. I am sure it was real at first, but she learned it got results or was a sore point with you, and now uses it against you. She would not still be doing it months later if it were still real.
I would say that you basically ignore the behavior. If it gets no rise out of you, then she will stop it. Though, it might be tough.
2006-11-13 07:19:51 · answer #5 · answered by Wundt 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If she is only doing this when she gets in trouble, then this is a problem. Try and pay attention to the times that she does have these outbursts, like what triggers it. Her mother may have said something to her that caused this so your patience is key. Good luck.
2006-11-13 07:07:53 · answer #6 · answered by JC 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is very normal for this child to miss her mother. Patience and time will help her deal with the emotions she's having. However, do not allow her to manipulate the situation. If she cries for her mother during discipline,reassure her that you and her mother both love her, and neither one of you wants her to have bad behavior. Be firm but loving in your choice of discipline.
2006-11-13 07:10:18 · answer #7 · answered by newcreature74 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Explain to her that she is going to live with you, and that mommy will visit when she can. Tell her that her mommy is welcome anytime to come see her so that this situation cannot come back to haunt you by anyone saying that you would'nt allow mom to come visit. Maybe make pictures or cards with the child for her mom so the child will not ever feel bad towards you.
2006-11-13 07:14:26 · answer #8 · answered by FANNY 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
awww..
well i grew up with a SIMILAR situation... story another time...
but, i really did grow up to be OK...
and it is because i had a great support system despite the fact my "real" mother was not able to raise me.
my stepmom stressed, from the day i met her, that she would be there for me. ...even when i was going through, ahem, soem rebellious teenage years, my stepmom and (biological) dad where there for me.
a child who experiences rejection so young REALLY affects them mentally, so it is best to have it be an open subject and allow it to talked about, whenever the child needs to.
and for you, although it might be hard, be there for that kid. no matter what, because he or she really will need it.
good luck with it all...
2006-11-13 07:12:33 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
how about tellin the poor child that her mother abandoned her?
2006-11-13 07:06:46 · answer #10 · answered by due 21/12/09 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋