Stay or Run?

Question

My fiance and I were engaged in June and have started making plans for the wedding. We are a younger couple 18 & 20 but have been together going on 3 years. We set a date TOGETHER and started to make plans. My parents just paid for the hall for the ceremony and reception and I have started paying toward my dress. We have all the colors, guests, attire and food arranged. His family has never been 100% supportive in our relationship or the engagement because we are young. Yesterday he told me that him and his aunt were talking and he decided and she agreed that he was to immature to get married. He says that he DOES NOT want to end the relationship or the engagement just set the date back to some unknown time until he feels he mature enough. My problem is that I want to be understanding but at the same time why ask if your not ready, and why let my family pay for so much already. I have no idea how to tell my parents or anyone else for that matter. Please any advice?

Answer 1

stay , no real reason

Answer 2

You are too young to get married. You might regret this 10 years from now. His aunt is right he is too immature to make such a huge decision. What's the hurry in getting married so young? If you want a long lasting marriage I personaly think you should wait. Don't rush into this marriage thing and regret it later. You are only 18 and you have a whole life ahead of you. Your parents may have paid for the hall and everything but at least you can wait until you are both mature and ready. I wouldn't do the things I did when I was 18 now. When you are at that age your mind is not clear and you think you know what is best but you dont. I think you should wait. Continue dating him for couple of years and see if you feel the same way about him the way you are feeling right now. What you need to do right now is go to college and get an education. If you are married trying to go school and rasing a family would be hard. Tell him that you are willing to wait.

Answer 3

If he's not ready dont push him. But I can understand how you feel, I mean you guys have went through so much to set this date and now he listens to his family. In reality maybe he is not mature enough, because if he has to let someone else tell him that he is not ready then dont sweat it. At least he is not leaving you. I think you and him both should sit down and talk to your parents about this, I'm pretty sure they will understand and someway the hall can reimburse them for there money. Just take it one-day at a time. Sometimes things happen for a reason,its best he told you now instead of at the alter!!! But he has to really know the meaning of being mature. Because in a marriage being mature is just knowing how to pay bills, taking care of the house, if you have kids taking care of the kids, loving each other unconditionally, being faithful and truthful with one another. I mean is he afraid he is not going to be capable of doing all of thee above, then its not about him being mature its about still have fantasies that he wants to fufill because he is still young and so are you. And some people feel that there is something that they are going to miss if they are married which that is not true. But I mean some people have their minds made of by know. There is nothing out there in the world but trouble and drama. But you give him a chance and see what happens. Dont give up on him yet. But if he truly loves you he will put all that garbage behind and marry you , because the only thing that will change is your last name. So its really no excuse of not being mature, that doesnt make any sense. But I know you love him and you want this to work so you hang in there a little while longer, but when you feel that your holding on for nothing and there is no hope you leave and find you true happiness.

Answer 4

I can honestly say take your time to make this decision .....I have been with this guy for 10 years. He asked me to marry him in the first month we were together. I turned him down because it was way to soon to get married. Just last year we started to talk about it again, and we decided to go ahead and get married. During the planning I asked him his opinion on something regarding the reception, His response was.....I'm just not as excited about this marriage as you are. So I canceled the wedding. I did loose the deposits for the reception hall, and the permit (for a beach wedding). We are still together but, I just don't think that it's a great idea to marry someone that isn't into it. This will bring a great deal of resentment down the line, you don't want that.

Answer 5

If he's not ready don't push for the wedding. It's better this way than regretting a decision later & get a divorce. If a refund is not available for the hall, food, etc. you could always just have a party & make it a fund raiser for a charity you believe in. Send out a card to the already invited guests informing them of the recent turn of events & see who responds. Keep communication open between you & the fiance & you can always keep the dress & save it for a future wedding either to this guy or someone else. later in your life. Your family needs to know what happened & if your guy is truly a gentleman, he will offer to reimburse your family, if a charity event is not in the works.

Answer 6

If he loves you he will marry you no matter what. If he needs someone to make up his mind then there is something wrong there. I wouldn't marry someone if they weren't sure about the marriage in the first place. he should be sure of him self. is he the 18 year old? Just wondering? That and the money you have already put out for this wedding would be wasted if you are not able to push back the date with the hall or caters.

Answer 7

I am so sorry...not only do you have to go thu a kind of betrayal of your fiance, but also there is a certain amount of pride when you call off a wedding; or postpone it. This cant be easy on you at all.

I think the first thing to do is take care of the money issues. You need to get your fiance to come WITH you to your parents and tell them you are calling off/postponing the wedding. You should do that face to face not over a telephone. Your fiance is the one who has put on the brakes, and he needs to be a man enough to come with you. Write it all down, where you need to call, how you put the deposit down etc. Maybe do a graph/speadsheet to make sure nothing is missed. (that sounds so cold...but I dont want you to lose money)

Here is a link from The Knot that deals with wedding cancelations/postponing
http://www.theknot.com/ch_qaarticle.html?Object=AI980914201129
And another:
http://www.theknot.com/ch_article.html?Object=AI990729112956

One of those links helps you deal with telling people "why". Its easy to say its none of their business, but we all know the gossip tree.

Your other questions....you need to decide for YOU. Its hard to bring back trust after something like this. Its also something to look as postive or negative. Postive: He called if off now rather than later when there may have been children etc. Negative: How did an AUNT convince him of this and WHY wasnt he talking to YOU about this. In the future, what about other life changing events...can you depend on him?

Please do not blame yourself at all; it doesnt look like this wasnt you at all. It was him. You arent the first person to have this happen to her and you wont be the last. (I know...that didnt help, did it?) See if you can go away for a week or two after all the logistics are taken care of...make some decisions away from it all. My friend had this happen to her and she moved away for a fresh start. She says now it helped her a lot. But; for other people they may need family support.

Good luck to you...

Answer 8

Wow what a crazy situation. Sorry to see that. Question, have yall taken the time to live together with your b/f to see what thats like? That is a very important step before any marraige to see if its really what you both want. I know its goin to be tough but you will probly have to tell your parents ( or you can do it yourself) to call these places they've spent money on to keep the reservations, but push it back a liltte while or they should be able to recieve some kinda refund in which you/they could put in a savings account at the bank or something in that range. Hope this advice helps you some. Hopefully things go good for yall. But just rememebr dont rush make sure its both what you want. Me and my girlfriend are young (21 and 19) who have decided to settle down, its just we need time to see if we can build togther. Ex: able to pay bills, able to share things, cummuniication is key, and best of all, willing to put up with each others annoying habbits. Hang in there dont give up just yet.

Answer 9

HE should be the one to tell people not you. Hes the one that wants to postpone the wedding to another date. And people are going to be pissed that they have already paid for a lot of the wedding things and that would also mean that you would have wasted your time planning the wedding. Sit down and talk to your fiance about the whole wedding thing. He didnt want to postpone the wedding date until he talked to his aunt. Make him give you all the details about exactly what his aunt told him. God Bless and good luck!

Answer 10

Sounds like you two could use some counseling to help you talk about your situation and what brought up his feelings on not wanting to get married. It could simply be getting cold feet or it could be something more serious. You definitely need to work it all out between each other before sharing the information with the rest of your families. Good luck.

Answer 11

you both are so young for such a responsibility; i think you should wait and give yourselves sometime; marriage isn't an easy step and you should be 100% sure before going through it; i guess if any of you have any doubt about being with the other; you shouldn't do it now; you both should give yourselves a chance and get to know life; you still have to finish your studies, work and get to know people; learn from them; after that you both will be mature and ready to decide whether you can be together or not; good luck and think with your mind not only your heart;