What to do? My son, age 8, shows no remorse for his actions. Grounding, taking things away, spanking, hugs?

Question

Nothing seems to work. We suspect there's more going on than ADHD and are trying to get him in for a psych evaluation but its taking so long. He is on meds but some days they don't seem to be doing anything at all. He is so defiant to anything that is asked of him. He throws temper tantrums at the drop of a hat over what seems like the most rediculous things. ex, his meat might be touching his potatoes on his dinner plate. He struggles in school with his behavior as well as in other activities like karate and other sports. It is effecting everyone in the family in a negative way. We are all stressed to the max and are at a loss as to what to do. We've even thought about special schools but the thought of sending my son away is killing me. Any ideas???

Answer 1

My heart gows out to you. This sounds like a simular situation that my brother is going through with his 12 year old step son. They are having simular problems - except that the mother refused to have diagnosises for him and she is just now starting to get him in to counseling and testing. Don't wait. Keep doing the best for your child. You don't have to send him away. The fact that he shows no remorse is an important thing and it is important to keep mentioning that to the doctors, as this could lead to Conduct disorder when he gets older. I wouldn't hesitate to have him evaluated for Oppositional Defiant Disorder and even Asperger's syndrome. I'd have neurology do EEG's and MRI's to make sure his "connections" are working. I'd acctually add Omega 3 oils to his routine of vitamins and stop giving him pure orange juice.. I know it sounds weird..but it can help. Check into diets and make sure he's not having a bad reaction to color dye in foods or a food alleregy. It doesn't have to be all about meds and it can be something neuralgical or natural that his body isn 't handling well.. Good luck to you. I wish you thebest and I hope you don't give up..... The source I have listed below is interesting and refers to the omega 3 oild and orange juice. ...

Answer 2

At age 8- your son can reason. Meaning he's old enough to know that if he does "x" then he can expect "y" (unless he's got mental problems). This is key to discipline. The question I pose to you is: Are you consistant with your actions? Do you give in if his tantrums last long enough? Have you done anything in his lifetime that causes him not to trust you (e.g., divorce, moving)? A child will behave when they feel safe in their environment, feel loved by their family and feel comfortable around his peers.

If he is defiant, then it's usually for a reason. Do you know why? What is it he wants? Your attention? Your love? To feel safe?
Boys will often challenge their divorced moms to no end because they are scared and feel like they can't count on authority figures anymore. What they crave is reassurance that everything is in control and they will be taken care of.

Sending him away is a good way to cause further separation between you and him. This will only be seen as further rejection and cause him to feel more unloved and unlovable.

Because he can reason at his age, negotiate with him. Don't use the "do this or else" kind of discipline. Use the "do this or get that." Cause and effect. Have him help you to discipline him. When he gets to choose to do what he wants when he behaves as you want, then you're creating a win win situation. When he doesn't get what he wants, he can only blame himself.

ADHD is nothing more than an excuse to medicate kids. Hyperactivity can usually be traced to their poor diet - too much sugar and caffeine and not enough exercise. That being said, there are some children who really cannot control their outbursts and behavior. These symptoms are often traced back to mental retardation or physical problems. Typically, kids who are diagnosed with ADHD are more textural type of kids - they learn by doing and touching. They have a hard time focusing on reading and writing. These kids excel in sports and physical activities. But from your message, your boy seems to struggle in both. This makes me think ADHD is not the root cause of his behavioral problems.

Forcing him to go for a psych evaluation (just like pushing medication for ADHD) is a good way for parents to feel like they're helping their kids - but it has the opposite effect on the children. The last thing they want to do is have their peers tease them for having medication, seeing a shrink, being "special." The more you do to make him stand out, the more he will resent you trying to help.

You need to talk to him sincerely. Ask him what's up. Ask him what he thinks the best answers are. Involve him in your solutions. To him, it may be perfectly clear why he throws tantrums. (If not, seeing a doctor is the best solution.) It doesn't sound like he's happy. Talk to him and observe him. There are clues to your son's behavior. When you understand how his brain processes his world, then you will be closer to have a true relationship as a parent, and not as a dictator.

Answer 3

I am sure you have having quite the problem! First thing to understand that not all behavior can be attributed to ADHD. Alot of people think that if your child is ADHD that having a child with manners and good behavior is not possible. It is!! It sounds like he needs to have his meds adjusted. ADHD means that your child cannot concentrate for very long.And then you mix some energy in with it. What does that mean to you? It means that you need to be direct and to the point with him. When he throws temper tantrums, I am sure that you fuss over him and tell him NOT to do that. My advice is.. walk away. Let him see that there is no affect to his cause. Kids ADHD or not love cause and affect. If you pay attention to him while he is doing that, he will keep doing it when he doesnt get his way. Instead say.. "When you are done with your fit, I will be in the kitchen." and walk away. Do it everytime! Be consistant, soon he will see that you dont care if he does that or not. WHen he comes to the kitchen tell him " Now, are you done with the fit? Cause if you arent, I can do something else while you do that." and then tell him again what he needs to do. Be specific, and BRIEF.. remember he cannot hold attention long so say it and go.ALWAYS tell him what you expect of him. "Johnny, I expect you to sit at the dinner table and eat your food like the wonderful young man that you are. Dining tables are for eating not for throwing fits. If you choose to throw a fit, go to your room and throw your fit and when you are done, and can sit and eat, then you may return, but NOT before." As far as the food touching.. my daughter is 12 and she hates it. By a divided plate, and use it. Remember: you parent children with ADHD the same as children without, however you just do it "quicker". Stick to your guns. It will work. Good Luck!

Answer 4

What meds is he on? Are they 100% necessary or could they be part of the problem? Some medications have side effects that can cause behavior problems.

Don't give positive reinforcement to negative behavior. If he throws a fit because his meat is touching his potatoes, take the plate away. If he throws another fit because he has no supper, tell him he will get his supper when his behavior warrants. If he throws a fit for another reason, give him some physical labor to work off his frustration - raking leaves, mowing the grass, something that will work up a sweat and give him time to think on his actions. Work with his teachers and make sure he doesn't get extra attention for his negative actions, but is punished for them.

My son is almost 13, and had problems controlling his temper, but has learned if he loses it around me, he is on Mom's Work Detail, and he will think twice before he throws a fit around me.

I am sure you are having problems with this, I know when my son was at his worst it affected all of us. Keep plugging along - talk to your son. Even at age 8 he can tell you if he feels "funny" or if there is something that is bothering him. And keep trying on the psych eval. Hopefully it will show nothing, but if there is a problem you can't fix it till you know what it is.

Answer 5

i may start a riot here, but i don't really believe in ADHD or in people giving their children drugs.

bottom line for me is that adults should not take manufactured drugs so i especially think it messes with a child even more. humans are not meant to take drugs to be normal.

get him off the drugs and try some "super nanny" approach. it will work! and you can get free weekly counseling, encouragement and support by watching the show weekly on ABC. Believe me... i have felt at wits end with my kids too, and i took some ideas from the super nanny. everything is as scheduled as possible, they are eating healthy foods, and everyone gets attention from both parents every day. we have a naughty spot in the house, and everything is much smoother that it has been.

good luck. i am not trying to be mean, but your son is too young for drugs... how would you feel if your parents put you on drugs when you were eight years old... i know i would feel absolutely retarded.... like i was untrusted to function on my own accord, my self esteem would be shot, and i would probably grow into a much worse behaving adult because i would have been given an excuse from a very young age.... just think about it.

Answer 6

It might not just be ADHD. It sounds like he may have Oppositional Defiant Disorder. (I believe that's the correct name for it.) The psychiatrist/psychologist will be able to assess that and have various ways to help your son. Good luck. I have a son who was much like your son, and he grew into a fine young man, now in the military. Hang in there, and don't give up. No matter how much you think "This isn't going to work" when the therapist gives you ideas, try it, and give it your all .... something will eventually get through and work for you.

Answer 7

I have a smiliar situation with my 6 (almost 7) year old son. The major difference is he has been evaluated by 4 psych. and is on 5 medications but STILL has these problems. He was diagnosed by 2 psych as autistic but NO-ONE (except them) agree with this diagnosis. Now his diagnoses include ADHD, bipolar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, depression. We adopted him when he was 4 years old but he's been with us since he was 3 year old.

Answer 8

All children are naughty because they want attention. If he's getting negative attention because he's naughty- he will take it. Try standing firm in your parenting and being CONSISTANT- that way he always knows his punishment and that he cant talk or get his way out of it. DONT GIVE IN TO HIM. and start giving him tons of extra attention when he is not mishbehavng... give it some time and you should notice a change. Thinking its adhd and just sticking him on medicine to 'improve' him is NOT going to help...

Answer 9

I don't have any experience with a child who has these mental problems but my heart goes out to you as a mother. I use lots of hugs and lot's of discipline. I discipline by taking things away and giving them time to think. KIDS HATE THAT. They hate to reflect on their actions and how it caused harm. But while they kick, scream, throw stuff, and cry, they are learning about something called empathy. It's so hard being a mother and I can only imagine how difficult it is for you. Keep up the fight for your son. I hope all works out for you.

Answer 10

Try taking everything out of your son's bedroom. All pictures, posters, everything. Only leave the bed and the dresser. Take away all privilages, but keep him on his meds. Put him on a strict schedule. When he is ready to have it all back he will start to behave.