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Long story short, I have been with my bf now for over 3 years (and 2 years prior to this) and we've moved in together about 3 months ago. I love him and he loves me but our sex life sucks. This has been an ongoing issue for a very long time now and I'm fed up.

He thinks I have an overactive sex drive and that he is normal but I assure you, it's not. He has rejected me time and time again and I've tried everything. From sitting down and talking with him to putting the moves on him and even trying very open minded things.

Now, recently I've told him that if our sex life didn't improve that I would leave him. So you would think that he'd been pulling in overtime trying to please me but it's the opposite. He hasn't changed anything at all.

My self esteem is completely shot down. I have not changed in appearance and I know he is not cheating on me. So I'm at the end of my rope. Any suggestions as to what to do or even why he is being like this would help. Thanks.

2006-11-13 03:06:17 · 20 answers · asked by Minouners 3 in Family & Relationships Singles & Dating

20 answers

Good Grief, this sounds like the 12-year relationship i just got out of!!!! i also waited, tried to discuss, threatened, coerced, tried to fix and...when all else failed, i blamed it on me somehow.

same reaction on my part, my self esteem was shot, and my heart broken...but i tell you this from the bottom of my soul......

THIS IS HIS PROBLEM!!!!!

there are some medical reasons that cause this, low testosterone levels and male menopause. but the jerk needs to go to a dr to figure that out and his stupid pride is getting in the way. so his pride is gonna land him alone again if he doesn't find a way to reach out to someone who can help.

i think you are making very clear and understandable boundaries (and not outragous, either) for getting your needs met. it is OK! you do not have an overactive sex drive, he has a broken one!

realizing that sometimes there is no sex drive due to stress or depression, or being overworked, i understand that every night is not gonna be BAM to the moon and back, but in my relationship when all this started, we ended up fighting and having no relationship for the last 5-6 years we were together, and when i did finally move out 4 months ago, he couldn't believe i did it. he was actually stunned and promised to go to the dr (and did, to my surprise) trying to win me back.

i wish you the best with your decision, i think back to the point where you are now and i wish i would have just left (that would have been about 5 yrs ago) but i guess i like beating myself up and hung in there because i felt if i loved him enough.....well my reality is this, if i had loved me enough, i would have seen that what i needed was important too and when the relationship got bad and HE DIDN"T work to help heal it, then my only option should be to take care of me and get out!

i am not saying to women in relationships where men honestly try to heal the break and who nuture the relationship that there wont be periods of seperation, i am saying that if the partner doesnt acknowledge that there is problems, and blames the other for the problems, then that partner definatly has issues they are not dealing with which,will destroy the relationship in the end - and the partner who hung in there for too long.

good luck on taking care of you,
lily

2006-11-13 03:28:33 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

A 40 year old shouldn't have 20ish year old friends. There's something fishy about a guy's maturity level if he can only relate to people that young. You know, there are women out there who would leave their boyfriends/husbands for less. I'm sure you've discussed this before with him, and yet he's drawn to this self absorbed behavior. Maybe nothing's going on, but I just don't like the sound of it. If he was sensitive to your feelings, he wouldn't act in a way that caused you this kind of stress, but then I'm living in your shoes and I haven't left my husband. Does the good outweigh the bad? Yes - then you'll have to develope a thicker skin (show up at the friends' houses when you suspect your boyfriend is there), or let him know you need a break to clarify for yourself whether the relationship is worth this heartache.

2016-03-19 07:20:19 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

The whole theory that guys are ready and willing to go whenever, where ever is so false... well, maybe not for some...but anyway...
My husband and I are the same way...I feel that our sex drives are opposite than they should be.... you and your boyfriend sound a lot like my husband and I.
There is nothing you can do about it, and there is nothing wrong with your relationship. You should not be with him for sex......sex is a bonus for something that is already the best thing in your life. If he physically could no longer "perform" would you still be with him? If so, you may want to reconsider your relationship.
If you love him and would stay with him regardless of his physical abilities...then you need to tell him that you love him and that you won't leave him.
I found that a general lack of intimacy was the problem...had nothing to do with sex...I needed him to be more affectionate with me...to put his arm around me, to hold me, to cuddle on the couch or in bed (my man's body is literally like a heater...so he can only cuddle in bed for a few minutes before he gets so hot that it makes him feel ill). Talk to him about how you can incorporate some of these things into your relationship.
If that doesn't help, talk about getting you a vibrator to relieve the pent up sexual tension you are feeling.

For ideas on how to spice up your sex life when you do get some, check out my answer for the question "positions......please!" and that will give you some good tips on how to make it a little more interesting. Be warned, Very detailed.

2006-11-13 03:20:13 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1 1

I had the same problem with my husband. So first that should tell you that I didn't give up and now we're happily married. Before me, my husband didn't have that many relationships or sexual experiences, he grew up in a very, very religious home where they were taught that sex was bad. When my husband and I got serious we were only having sex 2-3 times a week. I thought he was cheating on me, I thought that he didn't love me anymore or that he didn't find me sexy. But after talking to him, he finally confessed that it was his own insecurities that held him back. He didn't think he was sexy and attractive and that is what turned him off. So maybe your bf just needs a little ego boost. Also don't worry about seducing him, just get naked and tell him you want to have sex. That is what it took for my husband, some guys just aren't good a reading signals they need to be told. Don't give up on him and don't feel bad about yourself this is his problem and if you love him then you'll help him instead of leave him.

2006-11-13 03:21:44 · answer #4 · answered by hey culligan man 4 · 0 1

Consider leaving him. This is exactly why I dumped my first boyfriend of two years. I found a guy who better meshes with my lifestyle and we're living together and now engaged.

The first boyfriend told me all the time that because I was hornier, I was using him for sex. False! He just wanted to make me feel bad for being who I am. Wanting sex doesn't make you a ****, tramp or a user. From what it sounds like, your partner is using sex as a bargaining chip--likely it's stress-related, since you say you just started co-habitating. It's controlling, frankly, and demeaning to use sex as a method of getting what you want. Living together often is a deal-breaker because you discover what a jerk someone could ever possibly be.

I can easily say, "dump him". But you need to think long and hard whether your current situation is one you want to see stretch out for a long time. You can't change whether or not someone is controlling. Don't settle for a comfortable situation!

2006-11-13 03:12:17 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0 1

If your REALLY in love and he's your soul mate,
does sex place such a high priority in your life
vs. someone you can really connect to on a
personal level? Had the same problem and you
know what...I realized its not a such a big problem
to break up over for he is my soul mate and my rock.
We've been together for 27 years and I've never
regretted my decision.

You could break up and spend months to years trying
to find the right guy for you...and maybe he's not out
there and you left the right guy cuz of one issue...

Just a thought...

2006-11-13 04:12:18 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

how do you know he's not cheating on you? i never thought my man would cheat, and i caught him. anyway, he is not willing to change so it seems to me he's not willing to make you or this relationship last. i think you've answered your own question and you just might want/need to hear it from someone else. so i'm sorry to say it but, you should live up to your word and dump him. now, i have one more thing you may want to try before you do this and that's maybe go on a vacation to put some spark back in the bedroom. but, if this does not work you know what you gotta do. the good thing is that if you leave him, and he sees you are serious then he may beg to have you come back. if he does not then you know it was not meant to be. sometimes guys get freaked out about relationships when it gets as serious as you moving in together. they feel like it's all over for his bachelorhood. good luck and i hope it works out for you.

2006-11-13 03:18:10 · answer #7 · answered by lidakamo 4 · 0 2

Have you stopped to think that the problem with his sex drive has nothing to do with you?

Maybe he's overly stressed out.

All relationships come with ups and downs. Sometimes you'll be having sex on a regular basis, other times, you can go for months without it. Dry spells are normal. You just have to ask yourself if you love him enough to deal with it.

How would you feel if the situation were reversed?

2006-11-13 03:24:00 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

Wow, you really have the OPPOSITE problem of most relationships. Most guys would KILL for a girl like you.

If it doesn't work in the bedroom, it ain't gonna work, because then it will manifest itself in many other ways, and you might end up cheating on him later on in life. I had this same problem with my girlfriend before I got married. Seriously, we went almost a YEAR without having sex because she had so many hangups, and I listened to everybody that said that breaking up with her over sexual reasons was cruel. Well, it was the best thing I ever did. Follow you heart sweety.

2006-11-13 03:11:30 · answer #9 · answered by TrainerMan 5 · 1 0

Whenever I have an unresponsive patient, I always check for the following:

1) Is he breathing?
2) Does he have any obvious injuries?
3) If no was answered to both, then package patient up in a vac-splint, and send him to the hospital.

Your guy is having problems. What those problems are, I don't know.

2006-11-13 03:12:31 · answer #10 · answered by Captain Moe 5 · 2 0

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