How do I get the strength to end my relationship?

Question

I have been with my boyfriend on and off for three years. We have lived together in the past, but it lead to arguments as he was out of work at the time, and I was a student. Lack of money fuelled the tense situation.

We got back together about a year and a half ago. I live in the family home with my brother and sisters (our mum left it to us whem she died). He lives in the pub where is is a manager.

It just seems as though we have such a childish relationship. We see eachother twice a week if that.

If I go to see him at the pub when he is working I don't get the chance to speak to him as he is so busy. The pub closes at 12am, and I have be be up for work early.

If he has a day off and comes and sees me, he doesn't like to stay as I have to be up early and he would like a lie in.

The moments we spend together are usually in the pub. I get so angry with the situation that I often start arguements. I have spoken to him about it but nothing has been solved

What do I do. I have such a fondness for him, but that's not everthing!

I start an arguement and we "end it"..but then we both feel lonely and get back together.

I just don't know where this is all leading. Should I just give it up?

I do got out quite a bit with my friends. He is working most of the time. I have a wide circle of friends so i'm not available for him constantly. I even gave him a copy of my work rota last month, so he could make time for me!

- SLEEKWALRUS - I'm not being selfish - it's just that I thought I would give him the chance to try and spend some time with me. My days off are different every week. As he is the manager he can pick and choose his days off. I don't expect him to give up his job - no way!

Answer 1

Oh, I feel for you. :(

You say that you don't know where all this is leading, but based on everything else you said, I think you do know where it's leading, but it hurts.

Perhaps some time away from him and the situation will help you clear your head and your heart. Please don't start an argument in order to accomplish this. Why put yourself in the position where you feel worse than necessary (i.e. adding guilt to what you're already feeling)? Talk to him calmly. Tell him that the way the relationship is now is tough for you. Don't blame him, but don't blame you, either. It's just the way it is right now.

Then, find some other things to occupy your mind and time. Discover a new hobby, new people, discover more about you, who you are and who you can become. After a couple of months, you will both be in a better position to discuss the matter and decide where you want to go.

Answer 2

I know exactly how you feel as I went out with a pub manager about four years ago. First thing I ask, is he a drinker? If he is then that could be another nail in the coffin. Secondly, do you really love him? If you do, then can you not get a job managing a pub together so that you are both working at the same times and can spend your leisure time together? Or could you not get a tenancy of a pub and at least you would be earning for all your hard work. From my experience, pub managers are generally a pretty childish lot, it must be something to do with not leading a normal life style. It is very difficult to try and combine relationships that have different working hours and it is not nice spending all your time in a pub! My relationship did not work out for exactly that reason. It really is a job that you should both be doing together to make it really work. Anyway I hope it all works out for you. Good luck

Answer 3

I think it's got beyond the point of talking about it with him. It sounds like you know what you have to do. Finding the strength to break up and stay broken up is not easy. Don't rely on willpower alone. Make a list of all the reasons it won't work, decide that this time you will not get back together no matter how lonely you feel or whatever he says. Tell some good, close friends what you are going to do, and spend lots of time with them in the first few weeks, and immerse yourself into your work. Keep reminding yourself why it wasn't working by reading your list, and have a memory in your head of a particularly bad situation when you felt really awful because of the relationship. (Once, when I felt really crappy about something I wrote down everything I felt in all its raging glory, and so when I re-read it, the distress was so evident and real that it became a powerful deterrent to getting back in touch.)

Slowly the feeling of wanting to go back will get weaker and weaker, and you will get emotionally stronger. Plan for lapses- anticipate that you may get lonely points when you are tempted to call etc, and decide *before* they happen how you will respond to these feelings. It is really about breaking an addiction as much as anything else.

It is tough, but you've done the hardest thing, which is actually deciding. Once that's done, you are free to get on with the rest of your life. All the best! X

Answer 4

It seems to me like your looking for excuses to get out of this relationship. Is there someone else involved? Please don't take this the wrong way.

If you really want to maintainthe relationship & feel that you could have something with this man then why don't you move in together? It may seem drastic but the majority of your question is about you not making time for each other.

He can't be working 24/7 so make a consious decision to get away together for a couple of days to see how you get on. you will know better afterwards. I'm just back from a week long break with my partner & we are so loved up right now.

Answer 5

I had to find the strength last year to end a very volatile, pointless relationship.

Find the strength in your friends, if they know the situation, they will support you and agree with you and once you have that support you feel like you're doing the right thing.

The main thing is your happiness, sit down and ask yourself are you happy, is this what you want from a relationship etc.. You may be surprised at some of the answers!

You have to convince yourself that it's over, end it for the right reasons and then be strong and ignore the texts, phone calls and constant attempts at contact from him until everything has settled down.

Take care and good luck.

Answer 6

You don't need to "get" the strength, you already have what it takes to take control of your life. What you need to have is the belief that you are worth it. I would recommend that you are honest with yourself and see that you deserve better. Here is something that I see as interesting, he is treating you the way you have come to accept as normal so he may not see this arrangement as a problem. Depending on your feelings for him, try telling him what you want out of the relationship and what you need to feel secure. If you find him as an acceptable mate and he is willing to make the changes for you to feel loved and secure in the relationship, then it does not have to end. On the other hand, if you feel this relationship is not going anywhere and you want it to end, just tell him and move on. You deserve to have someone that loves and desires you and would want to move the heaven and stars for you and that person is out there somewhere, maybe right in front of you. I wish you the best, and remember, you do not have to settle for less than what you want in a relationship.

p.s. I'm an American and I found a place to use the word mate:)

Answer 7

imagine where you will be in 5-10 years with this guy. Do you want to be 30 and fighting about the pub and where you guys are going to sleep? that should give you strength enough. There are a million guys out there waiting to be caught by a much better fish. Get rid of this looser and find one.

Answer 8

Talk to him, tell him it seems like it is going no where. If he feels the same,end it with being friends. Think seriously if he is far too busy working for you now marriage would be worse! Your not a priority now which tells you would not be in a marriage either. Stop arguing it goes no where. Confront him nicely and the correct result will come. Good Luck

Answer 9

It sounds to me like your lives are not compatible. I f you are not happy that you see each other very little you can't expect him to just give up his job to make time for you. That seems to be quite selfish. So just say your goodbyes and find someone who's work hours seem more fitting for you and make sure you buy him a diary for christmas so he knows when he's expected to be around.

Answer 10

Perhaps widen your circle of friends so that you have some other interests. You may then find that you not only derive the courage to get out of this rut that you find yourself in but that you get rid of the lonely feeling that has you running straight back to him. He may also get to appreciate you more if you are not as available as you once were. Who knows, you may even find yourself another partner.