I met a guy about a month ago and things have been going great. I have no complaints at all. He does get upset about issues that he is going through that have nothing to do with me and completely shuts down, doesn’t want to talk, etc. I have overlooked that. Everyone deals with their issues in their own way. When we met, he told me that he was hurt really bad by his ex and that is hard for him to trust someone and put his guard down. All of that is understandable. Over the past week, things have gone from hot, to completely cold. He calls but I can sense that something is wrong. So I asked him what was up and why was he different. He begins to tell me again that he was hurt very badly and that he will never trust me completely and he may never put his guard down. I told him that it wasn’t fair for me to have to pay for someone else’s mistakes and that he should let me make my own mistakes or accomplishments with him. I told him he has too many rules and he replied that its his life and he refuses to let someone hurt him again. I have been hurt before but I give everyone a chance to show me what they are about. Am I wrong to be upset about this? Does anyone think he is right or wrong? Also please advise me on what my next step should be.
2006-11-13 01:07:24 · 17 answers · asked by vivian M 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
A lot of time people use the "I've been hurt" thing as a method of control. And us women tend to try to bend over backwards trying to fix things.
He has to heal himself. What is he bringing INTO the relationship, and how much is he sucking out of you? If you're giving and giving and giving, you need to take a step back and consider going into another relationship where you're an equal.
2006-11-13 01:11:55 · answer #1 · answered by Shane 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Of course you are upset, you have feelings for him. And no, you shouldn't have to "pay for anyone else's mistakes".
Obviously you had the "maturity & confidence" to handle any previous "issues" you might have had. Everyone doesn't have the same abilities. How recently was he "hurt"? That might have something to do with his inability to "trust" again. Some people need more "time" than others.
He sounds like he's not ready to commit to another relationship. I honestly don't think he will be unless he finds a way to "deal" with his "issues". "Communication" and "trust" are huge parts of any relationship. Without one or both, a relationship doesn't stand much of a chance.
A relationship with him (at this time), doesn't sound like a good idea. You deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you. Someone who trusts and communicates with you. I don't think he is that person (now).
This is entirely your decision and I wish you all the best with it. Good luck with whatever you decide!
2006-11-13 01:33:25 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think he's pretty much put his cards on the table, and you should bail before he pulls out out anything else.
We all have issues; we either deal with them and learn lessons or we stay stuck. It sounds to me that he likes you, but is being very guarded. If he is a grown man, then it's really ridiculous for him to be carrying on this way. What happened to him in the past has nothing to do with you. He's laid out the rules, which are too many.
I understand how he feels, but I don't agree with how he's handling things. When you come into a relationship, everyone has to carry their own baggage, but leave it at the door; it can only come in and be a part of things if you allow it. My perception is that you would spend more time working through his rules and reassuring him of your commitment than enjoying the relationship.
On a lighter note, checking out the avitar; we must be twins!
Don't invest anymore time or energy. Walk away from him, and find yourself a grown-up man.
2006-11-13 01:19:18 · answer #3 · answered by Le_Roche 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all guys are people consider it or no longer, so sure they do have emotional luggage. The change in each guy is whilst he throws that luggage manner and actions on. Some guys harm, however shake it off swiftly, at the same time others take plenty longer to heal. It will depend on the person and the way in contact he's along with his emotions mixed with age, adulthood and enjoy. You say you desire to be his lover which interprets to you in need of to be his pal with advantages. If that's all you desire, then it truthfully does not subject whilst this man actions on for the reason that all you desire is a bodily dating with him. In truth your bodily dating might support him transfer on. If it bothers you that he nonetheless includes the ex- gf luggage with him then you definately have to inform him it bothers you and whilst you're with him you desire to cognizance at the bodily detail of you and him; no longer you him and his beyond. If the intercourse is well among the 2 of you hell overlook her quickly ample. Do watch out nonetheless that neither one in all you catches emotions as you presently understand how he offers with relationships. Good good fortune!
2016-09-01 11:44:01 · answer #4 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He has the right to his opinion and all, and I can understand his feelings my ex did me wrong the same way. But he has got to work on his trust issues. Ok no one is ever as trusting after being done wrong that natural. But if he likes you a lot, then he needs to let the past be and trust you. no relationship can grow without trust. He needs to start trusting ya.. He is wrong my dear
2006-11-13 01:22:46 · answer #5 · answered by Arthur D 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Been there done that.. Your next step is to back up from this guy and give him space. He's playing an emotional game with you. Maybe it's true he has been hurt by his ex and all, but the game it seems he's playing is the rejection game. It seems to work well, because everyone wants to be accepted, and the more he rejects you the more you want to pull closer. He sounds insecure and wants to make sure you really care for him. When you back away and start acting like you don't care; watch how he responds. :)
2006-11-13 01:14:56 · answer #6 · answered by stella 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Everyone gets hurt. We've all been there. He's obviously not strong enough or ready to move on with his life, so let him be. Don't waste your time with someone that won't let you in. You don't deserve that. You've done nothing wrong. Tell him that he needs his time to sort things out and learn from the past, not carry it into his future. If and when he's ready to move on, tell him to come see you and maybe you'll take him back if you're still around.
2006-11-13 01:15:17 · answer #7 · answered by inlovewow 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
He told you all you need to know. He will never trust you or give you the fair shot you deserve. He is a wounded man, and until he can overcome that, he has no business dating. I would get away from this man, and allow him to grieve on his own schedule. There are tons more men around who will not impose "rules" on you, and who want you to become a part of their life-to share in it together.
Getting hurt is a natural part of life, and the only way to avoid that is to isolate yourself from all human contact. Not only is this very unhealthy, it is poisonous to the people who do come in contact with this type of person.
I am sorry, but I would not spend any more time or effort on this guy--he is not emotionally available to be involved in a relationship rihgt now. Tell him to look you up if he ever does get over his ex, and maybe you could talk, but until then, you need to go your separate ways.
2006-11-13 01:14:19 · answer #8 · answered by melouofs 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
you have every right to be upset. and no you should not be paying for someone else's mistakes. if he can't trust you completely and saying it straight up whilst the relationship is new, and you've tried to be as understanding, i believe you should just leave him. otherwise you'd be just dragged down by his emo baggage and that is not healthy for you. he has to deal with his crap before embarking on a relationship. obviously he doesn't realise that he's got a great girl. do what is right by you girlfriend!!!
2006-11-13 01:14:51 · answer #9 · answered by brown_sugah064 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
He has issues sweetie....things that were there b4 you even came along...if he doesnt want to give you the chance to show him your side then what do you have? He is the one missing out on happiness holding on to his past.Ur right,you are a different person,and you shouldnt have to pay for his past hurts..some people hold on to things for a long time tho...I say give him space...I would stay his friend,but if he continues to have his negative views then you'll keep being hurt...good luck babe!
2006-11-13 01:13:16 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋