My fiancé and I are planning on getting married in March 2007 (small wedding, only 20 or so close family and friends and then a much bigger reception a couple of weeks later).
The problem is that my mum and step-dad (the only father I know) split up 4 years ago and haven't spoken since. My mother literally walked out on my step-dad with no warning leaving my step-sister, who was then 18 and my step-brother, who was then about 15.
I don't have close contact with either of them- I see my mum a bit more, but not much. I still see my step-fathers parents and I am very close to my step brother and sister.
The problem is, they are still my parents and I want them at my wedding, but I am terrified they will argue. How will they cope when they have not communicated apart from through solicitor's for the past few years?
Their impending divorce has got very nasty with both sides lying to get the upper hand and us kids trying to stay out of it. Although our parents do their best to drag us into it, relaying messages through us to them etc etc
My mother has a new partner, who I do not like and I feel may inflame the situation. Shall I invite him or not? I do not want to upset my mother by not inviting, him, but then it is my day.
Part of the reason we are having such a small ceremony is that both my fiancé and I feel it would be much harder for them to create a scene with only 20 or so people present. But now I am not so sure.
We are pretty poor, so it won't be a big do, but we are just on the verge of sending out the invites and I don't know what to do.
Neither of them has even bothered to send me an engagement card and they are not good parents at all, yet I am loathed to not invite them as I don't want any possible children I might have to feel the reprucussions of this, in say 20 years time.
I am so worried they will ruin my day- HELP!
2006-11-13 00:56:32 · 14 answers · asked by emma l2 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
It's your day. Invite your mom and step-dad, but not whoever they might be with. Stress that the invitation is for them alone. Also, tell them tht if they start arguing or fighting, that they will have to leave. It's not worth it to have them there if it makes you unhappy. If that makes them mad, too bad. They don't have to come. Remember, it's what makes you happy that matters. If they make it worse, just don't let them come. If they love you, they should accept the temporary peace you're suggestong. After all, it's just for a day, isn't it?
2006-11-13 01:08:38 · answer #1 · answered by Kharm 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First, you should invite your parents. Speak with each of them separately and tell them that they will NOT argue or fight on your day, or you will have them escorted out and they will never again have anything to do with you. You might want to threaten them, too, by saying that you'll do everything you can to help the other win the divorce if the other starts anything.
Second, you should invite your mom's new partner if you invite your mom. Don't use that whole "It's my wedding, I'll do what I want" logic. It might be your wedding day, but that doesn't give you an excuse to be rude.
Third, they can make MORE of a scene at a small wedding. Let's say your mom makes a snide remark, and your step-dad shoots back with one, and before you know it they're bickering. With such a small crowd, chances are that EVERYONE will hear it. But in a crowd of 300 people, only a handful will be witness to the bickering.
Best of luck to you!
2006-11-13 09:58:22 · answer #2 · answered by Pink Denial 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
OK: First issue: Should you invite the current partners of your parents?
NO. Since this is a very small wedding, there is no reason to include any except those closest to you. You might explain this to both your parents in order to spare their feelings but, really, no explanations are necessary. As you said, this IS your day.
Second issue: How to prevent your parents causing an uncomforatble scene at the wedding? Well, you can't control their behavior, but you might make confrontation between the two of them less likely if you take steps to (for instance) have them seated at different sides of the church (or wherever the ceremony takes place). When pictures are taken, have them stand at opposite sides of the pose. Don't expect them to 'pretend' to be a couple. Again, having a talk with them beforehand might help.
And remember, you can not control them but you can control yourself. If they choose to behave like naughty children, then treat them as such and have someone (an older brother or uncle) prepare himself to usher them out of the room if they can not behave themselves.
2006-11-13 09:11:59 · answer #3 · answered by Puzzler 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell your step dad to give you away on your ceremony
Then invite you mother only to the reception. and make sure that they arrive at different times and that they are seated in different locations.
If you are not close to neither of them, then invite neither of them and invitre your grandparents instead, since they seem to be very close to you and your brother and sister.
Don't ruin your wedding by having the two of them there, you will feel anxious and uncorfortable and they both would want yoru attention and recognition. Set the rules in advance, but I believe that they should take turns in the reception so you would be able to have time with them separetly and avoid a confromtation.
Good luck and congratulations
2006-11-13 10:17:14 · answer #4 · answered by Blunt 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I feel for you! What a dilemna!
From what I have read on similar situations, you definitely should invite both of them, since they are the only parents you know. You might consider putting a note in the invitations reminding them that you love them both and want to share this special occasion with them AND that as adults, you fully believe they can be civil to each other for your sake. As for your mum's new friend, do the invitations state family only? That would save you there.
I don't envy your situation at all. I was in a similar pickle when I got married, but my mom decided not to attend the wedding due to health reasons. Although disappointed, I have to admit I felt a bit relieved at the same time.
God bless your marriage with peace, joy, and lots of love!
2006-11-13 09:11:41 · answer #5 · answered by ladykod 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would say invite them both. They both obviously had a huge impact on you while you were growing up and you want them both to be there. I think that any coherent parent would realize that it is YOUR day and out of love will not bring their bickering into your wedding. If you don't think that they will remain neutral for a few hours, simply bring it up to them before the wedding. And make sure that there's enough distance between them so that they don't even have to acknowledge each other. Do your best to reduce any possible contact that they may have. And if they do start to fight, I would designate somebody to kindly ask them to take it somewhere else, perhaps one of your step-brothers.
As for whether or not to invite your mother's partner, I would say that it would definitely be rude not to invite him. At the moment he is part of your mother's new life and both him and your mother may take it as an insult that you did not want him to be present at your wedding. However, as I mentioned before, if he starts to become a problem at any time, I would not hesitate to ask him to leave. And perhaps you could have a conversation with your mother and ask her to relate to him the importance of the day to you and that he needs to behave respectably.
2006-11-13 09:12:41 · answer #6 · answered by victoryedge 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, make the big weding day into the smaller wedding days, so people are spreaded into these days and can choose which day is the day that they want to attend. Your step-father can come in a certain day, while your mother can come in another day.
20 people divided by the whole week (7 days) would be around 2,86 people each day. If divided by 5 days, then it would be 4 people each day. If divided by 3 days, then it would be 6.66 people each day. It's a manageable amount of people.
If you want to have just one day, then limit the invitation to just close family.
Your siblings (minus their families), parents (minus their other families), and grandparents. Plus your fiancee's siblings (minus their families), parents (minus their other families), and grandparents.
You can option on not to invite your step-father, step-brother, step-sister, and your step-father's parents, since that they are not your direct lineage. Just make sure you invite them in other occassions for compensation.
Now if there's anyone you don't like and/or you affraid might inflame the situation, then don't invite him/her. Just welcome them should they come uninvited, and try to keep the situation under control.
2006-11-13 10:42:36 · answer #7 · answered by E A C 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There does not seem to be a guaranteed way to prevent problems here; so you need to accept you can only try.
Can I suggest that it may beworth you and your fiancee taking them both out for a meal before hand; not too formal and they will react to it. Hopefully they will realise the importance to you and not make a scene; or realise they can not be around each other and decide not to go of their own accord; or in the worst case create a scene at the restaurant and get it out of the way. It is not perfect I know but hopefully it will stop prolems on your big day.
2006-11-13 09:08:25 · answer #8 · answered by MARK C 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your wedding day belongs to you and your fiance. It is supposed to be special and about love, not about turmoil and immature family members who have poor life skills.
I would not have them there. The whole idea or thought of the possibility of having to mediate some conflict or argument and ruin one of the biggest days of your life is unacceptable.
If you must have them there than specifically let them know such behavior won't be tolerated, and get a large friend or security guard to usher them out if they start to create a scene.
2006-11-13 09:14:00 · answer #9 · answered by John E 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i been there my mom came to the wedding and tried to take my grandmother and her sister to leave the wedding do to my dad and his new wife was there. let's just say my mom 10 min before i marred my wife stormed out and told me if i get a car accident it all my fault.. need less to say the wedding went on and it now been 8 years and yes my mom is still talking to me. but she has never apologies to me about the wedding. so to help with there answer as long you feel that you are marring the wright person and do it. Do not let anyone take your day away from you not even your own parents. good luck
2006-11-13 09:09:37 · answer #10 · answered by celticdragon 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋