What to do about the grandmas.?

Question

It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't live with my mother-n-law (my daughters grandma) and live 10 minutes away from my mother. They keep pushing me about giving my baby solids & juice. Then they sit there and ask eachother about it like I'm not even in the room. Then my mother-n-law calls her mother & tells her. They are the old country folk so they were feeding their babies grits & bacon & collard greens by 3 months. This is annoying the hell out of me. Just because the baby cries they assume it's because she wants some of their food. I get really annoyed when they talk about what I'm doing/not doing with my child just because they did it with theirs & their mothers did it with them. How can I tell them to back off & that I am the mommy. They had their chance when they had theirs. Now it's my turn to experience motherhood. Has anyone had similar experiences?

Also my mother-n-law seems to have an issue with the baby looks. My baby is black & puerto rican. She keeps talking about how the baby looks like her (when she looks nothing like her). The baby looks outright spanish & she seems to have a problem with that. It annoys me as well. Why can't she just see my daughter as a beautiful baby. Her beautiful grandbaby? I'm so sick of her trying to define my daughter by her race when she is mixed. Yeah that is a reality but there is more to her as a human baby being. How can I confront her on this?

Answer 1

"Mom/MIL, I know you guys did what you believed was best for us when we were little. I think you did a fine job raising us. Now, it's our turn to raise our baby in the best way that we see fit. There are lots of things that doctors and scientists have learned since we were babies and a lot has changed about what is believed to be healthiest. We are following our doctor's suggestion to wait until 6 months to offer solid foods. We're doing what we believe is best, just like you did. We'd appreciate it if you would respect our decisions and not try to undermine us as parents."

You might share the information below about delaying solids as well.

Answer 2

I have 2 sons and my mother is always telling me to do this and do that. It's just something mums do and I'm sure both your mother and MiL are only try to help, even though you're right about it being up to you how to feed your baby. A mother's instinct is best and you have to put your foot down and tell them that you will raise your baby your way but thanks for the help.
Although it drives me crazy when my mum says give the baby this, a lot of the time when she leaves my house I will give it to the baby because I know that although I hate to say it, my mum knows more about babys than I do. You and your partner didnt come to any harm when you were a baby so dont dismiss everything the parents say but do be firm and tell them to back off a little. Good luck

Answer 3

Just tell her exactly what you feel. My mother-in-law is annoying me too. She started off by criticizing me by being overweight; stating that I can't have a baby because I'm fat. After I got pregnant, she's constantly telling me what to do. After I had the baby, she's pretending that I don't exist. Whenever my baby cries or not, she would held him and tell me what I should do as a mother. She will also tell me how she raised her children and that I should do the same thing. I decided to bottle feed and since the baby was born, she kept forcing me to breast feed. I've had enough of her. I told my husband what I feel about his mom and he helped me confront her. She took it negatively and told her daughter that I don't want her to come over and visit her grandchild. My sister-in-law ended up calling my husband and asking him why I'm being so rude. I was not being rude at all. I just wanted to raise the baby the way I wanted to. I'm glad that my husband stood up for me because I didn't do anything wrong.

Answer 4

i have had the same problem my kids grandma it drove me crazy and i just got tired and went the **** off on her i tried being nice i tryed it all when i went off on her i told her that this was my baby and i will raise my baby how i see fit and if she kept ******* with me she would never see my baby again that didnt work either so i moved an hour and a half away that worked then a year and 8 months later i moved back i still had the same problems with her so whenever she started up i would take my kids then and go to the store and stay gone til she left i did that every time and i would tell her when you try and be my babys mom i will leave you sitting here like you are crazy she finally got the message it took almost 3 yrs she was a pain in the ***

Answer 5

I think firstly .. your write if you moved out I don't think they would bother you so much and you could probably say more.. I think you should tell them how you feel tell them you appreciate all there help, make a fuss and tell them they are wonderful grandmas but that is all they are .. you are the mother and you'd like to do things your way .. tell them you appreciate the input and when you require help and guidance they will be the first person you ask.


about the race issue.. who cares if she thinks her granddaughter looks like her .. she probably just think she beautiful .. you can explain to this grandma - yes she does look a bit like but I can also see alot of the other grandma in her and you think it makes her beautiful and unique and its great that she take after so many beautiful women and comment on how lovely her complexion is .....

good luck grandmas are hard things to deal with if my two had there way my kids would be FAT as mother in law keeps feeding them and spoiling them rotten and my mum would make them into working farm kids.. you can't choose em'

Answer 6

I did, with the baby's grandmother. (not my mother) I was nursing and she kept pushing me to try a bottle. (he was a healthy strong and big boy) She also felt he needed juice (which breastfed babies don't need as early as formula babies do) and food. I used to say thanks for the thought or advice and continue to do what I wanted. Eventually I got so annoyed I told her he was my son and I would make my own decisions and if she wanted to continue to comment I would not be back for a long long time. She got sulky after that but she shut up.

Your situation is hard. I guess you have to try talking to them(separately) and letting them know you appreciate that they want to help but their advice is not making you feel adequate. It would be better if they could support you in your decisions. Assure them that the doctor is OK with everything you are doing and even if they can't agree with you they should respect you. It is your baby--you had him--you are raising him.

If it was possible you could move a little further away.

Good luck!!

Answer 7

Mothers and Mothers-in law think they're helping. They forget that theirs tried doing the same thing to them. Maybe if you remind they about how they resented the "HELP" , they will remember and get off your back. If that doesn't work then you'll have to be blunt and just tell them how they are making you feel. Sometimes the shock of being told to "butt out" is what it takes to make a point.

Answer 8

Sorry, but all these pompous people answering your question seem to have forgotten who changed their diapers and the diapers of their spouses. 'Put your foot down', 'Tell them you're the Mom and you'll raise your kids YOUR way'. Indeed! And all these expert Moms at the ripe old age of 20 or 22 obviously know a lot more about child-rearing than the grannies. A little humility is in order here. Grannies are grannies and have every right to be involved in the raising of the child especially if you're availing yourself of their hospitality.
It's no wonder children have no respect for the elderly. They learned it from their stuck-up moms. So my advice to you is ignore the arrogant moms who use their children as pawns to 'make granny behave', and talk to grannies, ask them for advice on things they know a lot about. That usually keeps them from getting on your back.

Answer 9

After 3 kids and 5 mother-in-laws and grandparents.... I learned the easiest way to live. I sit quietly and actualy look like I'm taking in what they say, and then say "hay, that's great, I'm going to try it!! Thanks" and then do what I want to.....but don't tell them. They are only trying to help, even if it seems like they are trying to push you. So accept it, thank them, and move on with how you want to do it. And as for that one that thinks the kid looks like them....tell they "Yes, your right", they only want to feel a part of the child is theirs. It's really a good thing.

Answer 10

i would just be like, look, i know you think you know whats best for MY child, but i want to do what I think is best for MY child, you have had your chance with your children, and now its my turn to learn my children and to decide what is right and wrong for my own, and if you two dont stop im going to move.... and neither of you will see her... and as far as looks go all parents/grandparents do that, they will even at times say thats the ugliest child in the world but all you see is beauty.... (personal experience) well i do hope that i helped you out