I will give you a rating on how funny you are.
2006-11-12 23:08:50 · 14 answers · asked by sija_uk 2 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
There has been some good jokes so far keep up the funny stuff. Oh by the way if men were protos for woman how come you were made from our ribs.
2006-11-12 23:39:54 · update #1
Just to Add a Sail to the wind of things. I will tell you a few corney jokes.
There were this old couple at church, it was one of those heeling events.
The preacher said "right now I want you to place you hand on the part of the body that wants heeling and say praise the Lord".
Dorris grabbed hold of her hip. "Its been giving me Jip this Hip has Jim",
Mean while her husband Jim placed his hand on his genitals.
Dorris shockingly looked at Jim and said my dear god can perform mirracles but surely he can't raise the dead.
An old lady wanted was feeling down and she really wanted to commit suicide. So she telephoned the Doctor and asked the quickest and most accurate place to shoot her self. The doctor told her to shoot just at the bottom of her left tit.
An hour later an old lady was admitted to hospital with a bullet stuck in her knee.
2006-11-13 04:18:49 · update #2
A plane crashed in the middle of Antarctica.
There were 3 survivors
They decided it was best to stay with the plane.
But no rescue came.
After 3 weeks they ran out of food.
So they decided to eat the other passengers.
They couldn't decide how to cut up the body's.
One of them had an idea.
He said "Lets eat them in the way we support our football teams for instance, I support Hearts, so I'll have the heart"
Next guy said "Great idea I support Liverpool so I'll have the liver"
The last survivor said "I support Arsenal but I'm not very hungry!"
2006-11-12 23:28:13 · answer #1 · answered by Supersammy :o) 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building.
A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and farts.......
"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"
2006-11-13 07:26:56 · answer #2 · answered by m 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
This old lady walks out of the grocery store and goes to the bus stop.
An old guy is sitting in the parking lot in his car. He drives over and
says he'll give her a ride home.
On the way he looks her over and says "You're a pretty good looking old
broad. I'll pay you ten bucks for a piece of ***".
She says "What???!!!". But then thinks that the old age check isn't due
for 5 more days, so she agrees.
They are lying on the bed after its over having the usual smoke and he
says to her "Geez if I had known that you were a virgin I would have
offered you $20.00!"
She looks back at him and says "If I had know you could get it up I would
have taken off my pantyhose!"
2006-11-13 08:31:58 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It was 3am and there was an 80yr old guy sitting in the gutter crying and a police officer came up to him and said "whats the matter old timer" and the 80yr old said" I just got married to the beautiful 18yr old blonde" and the police officer said" that's great news but why r u crying" and the 80yr old said" I cant remember where i live"
A guy walked into a bar and said ouch
2 kids walked into there parents room while the parents were going at it and the little girl said mummy what r u doing and the mum said were making custard so the kids left, the next day the 2 kids turned up to school an hour late and the teacher said why r u 2 late and the little girl said we was making custard and the teacher said did u save any for me and the little girl dropped her pants and said here lick the bowl
2006-11-13 07:42:25 · answer #4 · answered by the beast 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Joke 2
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
2006-11-13 07:12:22 · answer #5 · answered by Barbara Doll to you 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
A drunk knocks on this guys door at three in the morning and says can you give me a push, the bloke starts shouting and swearing, you wake me up at this ungodly hour cos you've broke down f""k off! He goes back to bed and his wife says 'who was that' some bloke wanting a push he says. 'You should have helped him' says the wife 'remember when we broke down in the middle of nowhere if it wasn't for those farmworkers helping us we would probably still be there now'. So he gets dressed and mumbling and muttering goes out into the dark to help. Are you still out here he calls 'Yes' says the man. Do you still need a push? 'Yes' says the man. Where are you he calls?
'I'M OVER HERE ON THE SWINGS' says the man.
2006-11-13 17:24:08 · answer #6 · answered by micky 114 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This will turn out like pop idol with the crap joke tellers gettin booooed!
You hear this Brent S? Dont even think of puttin any jokes on here, apart from that you;ll probably only hav a dig at the Americans anyway!
Now unblock your messenger you silly man, lets have this out keyboard to keyboard!!
2006-11-13 08:30:17 · answer #7 · answered by Kizzy_ 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
The Why's of Men?
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(Don't know.....it never happened)
And my personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
2006-11-13 07:20:21 · answer #8 · answered by ? 6 · 4⤊ 0⤋
A father watched his five-year-old daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They’re mating," her father replied. "That’s a Daddy
Longlegs." Her father answered.
"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her
foot and stomped them flat.
"Well, daddy, that might be accepted in California and Massachusetts but we’re not having any of that sh** in Wisconsin!!
2006-11-13 07:10:33 · answer #9 · answered by Electric 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Two blond pass by a hay field in a car. They see another blond waving from a boat in the middle of the field. One of the blond (in the car) say to her friend:
-SEE! it's because of people like her that some say blondes are stupid.
Her friend replies:
-Yep, its really annoying! If I knew how to swim i'd go there and strangle her myself!
2006-11-13 08:30:17 · answer #10 · answered by Christophe 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋