Dicipline with a 5 yr old NO RUDE ANSWERS KEEP THEM TO YOUR SELF PLEASE!?

Question

Ok I've never really asked for advice but she's driving me crazy. My husband has shared parenting and he gets her Thurs-Sun well up until 4 months ago she spent all that with his mom so she had never lived with us when she started school we had to keep her here except on Saturday we let both the kids go stay with her. Well Kenna which is my step daughters name who is 5 throws tantrums to go to his moms house and we threaten not to send her but then his mom comes to the house and she lets her do anything she wants which doesn't help us any in trying to straigten her attitude. I've tried spanking her and sitting her down and time outs,no tv, no playing, anything you can think of. Should we not let her go to his moms until she straightens up or what? I know its a lot to read but HELP!

OMG It's not like I abuse the child I may have spanked her 3 times in the 1 yr and 8 months I have been with her. I only put rude because you get stupid answers that don't even make since. She is 5 1/2 she is not a baby she knows what she does is wrong but she also knows when we're at his moms we cant do nothing to her because grandma is there to save her. If we tell her to sit down for a time out his mom says cmon baby come with me so you dont get in trouble by daddy and she'll look at us and laugh then go with his mom so you tell me who's to blame.

Answer 1

Sorry, I am all for spanking, but you should never spank someone else's child, Period!

If this was your husband asking the question, I would tell him to keep her on a short leash (not literally). He should be her leader, telling her what she is to be doing, using that firm deep dad voice. He should set out rules of what he expects of her, write them down, make sure she understands them, then post them up on the wall where she can see them. When she breaks them he should send her to her room, come in with the rule list and make sure she understands which rule she broke. Next, he needs to have a consequence in place. These should be taking favorite possessions away (bikes, play time, tv time), time on her bed, grounding, and for serious offences such as lying, getting in trouble in school, steeling, cussing, hitting... a good old fashioned spanking. Mind you I don't mean a few swats, I am talking about a spanking right out of the 50s pants/underwear down over the lap for a good long time. I have a 3, 7, and 10 year old daughters who all get spankings when required. He should take back his daddy power ASAP.

For you I would step back from the situation, I don't think you should play a role with punishing her. Dad needs to be doing that.

Good Luck

Answer 2

Well I know first hand how hard it is to establish boundaries where step children are concerned. You never want to step over the boundaries but yet you are still a parent to these children as well and most certainly have the right to discipline them too. The child is acting up because there is an underlining issue. Maybe it is because she is still suffering trauma from the divorce and the added pressure from the new "step" mommy. She is still very young. She needs to learn that she has to respect you and follow your rules at your home. I would never recommend taking a child away from the only stable relationship in her life. Her grandmother needs to respect your and your husbands wishes when it comes to raising your child. Talk with her and let her know the damage she is actually doing although it probably seems harmless to her. I know most people won't agree with me but I say the grandma is the adult and should know that behaviour isn't acceptable. Let her know that she won't be able to see her until she starts to respect your wishes. Also you may want to say to her that Kenna will respect her more in the long run, if she starts being more strict with her. She will probably even thank her. I can't understand why she would want to contribute to having a spoiled brat as a granddaughter. She will love her regardless. I also think it is up to your husband to talk to his mother. You can go as well and say what you need to, but he needs to initiate the conversation. So you don't look like the bad guy trying to be pushy and tear everyones world apart.

Answer 3

Threatening, yelling, Spanking, just show thats what you do to get what you want, it is a terrible example and a lot of people dont realize this.

It sounds like your child needs to learn some respect, take away prevs if she crys let her cry she can only cry for so long, She will realize eventually crying doesnt work and you will never have to deal with it again.

Natural consequences are the best, and it takes a great deal of patients,

If you tell her she needs to pick up her toys to go somewhere and she doesnt, well she doesnt go.

You might not be on her A list and she might favor her mom, but when she is 19 and needs a work ethic and good morals, the bit she has that helps her succeed in the real world she got from you :)

best of luck bud

Answer 4

While I will agree that the daughter is behaving badly, the biggest problem that you have is the Grandma. You and your husband need to set clear rules for Grandma the same as for the daughter.
Tell Grandma that she is not welcome in your home if she is going to undermine your authority with the children. You MUST stick to this, once grandma gets the idea she will be denied the children till she straightens up and acts right, she will soon not be a problem again. And as far as grandma being in charge of the children in her home, even when you or your husband are there, then that needs to stop too. You and your husband are the ultimate authority in the child's life, and the minute she thinks there is someone that your are not going to stop what they do(as in grandma) then she is going to start working this to her advantage. If you are at grandma's home and she attempts to go against something you have told the child, then remind her(grandma) that you are in charge and if she continues that you will take the child and leave. And you must do it! If you are at your home, then remind her of the rules and tell her that if she can't abide by them, she will have to leave your home. (DO NOT feel bad about talking to her this way, your responsibility is to raise your child in the way you see fit and if she is working against you, then she does not deserve the respect her age would normally garner.)
As for the child you need to sit her down and talk to her, tell her that she HAS to listen to you and your husband, that grandma is no longer going to be able to do all the decision making and that if either she,(the child) or grandma act wrongly then the person who is acting badly will be punished. (Set strict rules for the child, remove things she likes and keep them gone even when grandma comes over) I also would prevent the child from going to grandma's house for a while until you start to get a handle on the situation. You could even try enticing the child with extra things she likes when she does good things-start out with very little things that she does right and let her see that being good has its benefits too. As she gets better at it, then make it a little harder for her to "earn" a reward, but make the harder to earn rewards bigger and better.
I think with clear black and white rules, a non-wavering resolve on you and your husbands part and a quick flow of small rewards for good preformance will net you a change that you will be happy with.
But remember, that allowing grandma to be such a huge part of the childs life and the result of that can only be laid at one persons feet:your husband(and yourself). Now having said that, since you helped make the mess you now find yourself in, you must stick to your resolve to correct the errors that you have made so that your step-daughter turns into the lovely child that every parent envisions them to be at their birth. It will be hard to do, but sticking with it will be so worth it.
As for the spanking issue:that is up to each parent. All these parents that say they never laid a hand on their child are a bunch of liars, and hipocrates. Spanking is a option for some parents that yield the results that they are looking for-it will work for some people and not others, but I don't think anyone should look down their nose at anothers choice of punishment, I mean we are talking a light tap on the behind here, not strapping the child down and lashing them with a cat of nine tails!(a cat of nine tails is a whip that pirates used that usually have nine strings on the end of the whip to inflict more pain)

Answer 5

I think sometimes children feel like a bouncing ball getting juggled here and there. I think you had a great idea in keeping her home with you for a while and giving her the stability that she obviously is lacking. Once she feels stable, safe and loved, she will settle into a routine with you and life will become much easier. Stop trying to disapline her with spanking or any other harsh ways, this will only aggrevate the situation more, and cause her to rebel and throw tantrums. Stay calm and simply put her in one spot whether that be on a rug, or in a bean bag, get down to her level and explain that her behavior is not acceptable, tell her why she is in timeout, and then walk away for about 5 to seven minutes, if she gets up and walks away, you put her back in her seat, and walk away, don't talk to her repeatedly, just put her there and walk away. You will have to do this over and over again for a few times, but eventually she will learn that you are going to be consistant no matter how many times she gets up. After five to seven minutes of this, ask for an apology, and do not let her up until she apologizes, then let her up and do not stay mad at her anymore. You must be consistant...She must learn that she can count on you to be consistant 100% of the time, and she can count on her consequence of being in time out 100% of the time every time she misbehaves. I guarantee this will work, but it will be hard at first. Stick with it, and you will both benefit. After she has settled down and adjusted to your home and its rules, then you can let her go for visits elsewhere. Explain to the rest of her family that she is in need of some consistancy and stability, hopefully they will understand, for her sake. Good luck, you'll do fine if you are committed to doing what is best for this child.

Answer 6

IMHO - Spanking and cutting kids off from loved ones are both kinda barbaric.

Sit down in front of her and look her straight in the eyes, then say, "I'm your Mother/Father and that's not going to work with me". Then give her a time out. 5 years old = 5minutes. (1 min per year.)

Okay, this is the most important part:
DURING THE TIMEOUT PRETEND SHE DOESN'T EXIST AND YOU CANNOT SEE OR HEAR HER NO MATTER WHAT SHE DOES. TAKE OTHER KIDS AND PEOPLE OUT OF THE ROOM, OR PUT HER IN IN ANOTHER ROOM DURING THIS TIME.

One reason tantrums persist are because of the extra attention the child gets because of the theatrics. Take the audience away.

After the time out is over ask her to tell you why she had to have a time out. If she can tell you she's free to go if she promises not to do it again. If she doesn't know, then prompt her with a simple phrase that describes the problem, such as "screaming and crying and stamping my feet". Then make her promise not to do it again if she wants to get out of her time out.

What she really needs is to learn to recognize that she is making a decision to perform a certain behavior first, then she needs to learn how to see the warning signs so she can stop herself, or control her actions. Then she will need more help to learn to deal with the anger and frustration she is feeling. This is a long term process that takes time, love, and patience so stick to it.

Good Luck : )
Calico.Kitty

Answer 7

Okay...I hope this makes YOU feel better and SCREW the others who don't have REAL children..who act up!?

Would you accept this behavoir from your own child?! Step or not...rules are made and need to be followed...also...cover your own butt..Let her mom know...she got a spank on the bum for her behavior...and tell her...I won't change my rules in my house~and let her know what she did and how SHE threw the temper tantrum...

Kudos to you!!! I also believe that a child NEEDS discipline...NOT a beating within an inch of their lives...but a firm spanking on the meaty parts of their little butts (hurts your hand MORE than their butts!) Makes them UNDERSTAND they are doing something that YOU have told them is wrong!!!

TIME OUTS?! Give me a break!!! These only work with a scattered few children!! IF I've said this ONCE....I've said it a million times....Time outs are meant for the child to SIT AND THINK...what did I do wrong!?! BULL ****!!! IT's a time for them to think...****!! I got caught...how can I do this and NOT get caught!? My children have all had their butts "tanned" and not a person in the world can tell me that when a child throws a temper tantrum that you DON'T want to spank them!! Cause they are ALL liars...cause I guarentee...those parents are preppy collar up types...and they feel the child should EXPRess themselves!! Sorry...

She shouldn't be allowed to get away with this behavior...tell her she can't go...the tantrum will start and tell her when she's done...you will THINK about it next time...My son...bless his little butt (cause he had this last night!) decided that he was going to TRY the temper tantrum route!! That lasted about 5 seconds before I spanked his bottom and told him MAYBE tomorrow he'd get what he was demanding ! BUt he was GOING to not act the way he did...

Screw these others that tell you not to spank....
Spare the rod...spoil the child!! You do your thing..I'll do mine!! ~Montgomery Gentry

Answer 8

Whoa - I don't think a step-mother has a right to hit a step-child.

If some step-parent hit my child I'd have them in court and charged with assault as soon as look at them.

I don't necessarily think if this little child (and she is just a little child - its not like she's 13 or something) cries to go to her grandmother's it means she's doing something awful. She's obviously unhappy at your house, and maybe that's because children don't do well with someone who is not their mother hitting them, scolding them, or doing time-outs. She may not be having an "attitude". She may just not like being at her father's house, either because of him or you or both of you.

I think you ought to let her go to his mother's house, where she is apparently happy. In the meantime, her father needs to talk with her and figure out what the problem is with your house. If the little girl won't say what bothers her maybe she'll tell her grandmother, and the grandmother could tell her son.

There is the problem of conflict going on at your house with her. For now, let her get away from the conflict. With everyone in "their corners" and not in the middle of the conflict people can talk and figure out what's wrong and why she's getting so upset; and work on that.

I don't mean to be rude, but I think children do best if their parent does all the dealing with them and a step-parent just tries to be a nice adult who doesn't try to become a parent. Kids have their own parents and they know it. I think you're the problem for this little girl. She's only five years old, so a child's getting that upset isn't usually about "attitude". I think you should let her father and grandmother deal with her, and you could just try to have some nice, friendly, visiting, time with her on a limited basis until you and she can become better toward each other.

Answer 9

If the grandmother doesn't understand that she's part of the problem, then she doesn't need to be a parent. Yes, you should keep her from her grandmother until she learns to behave. After some time has passed, she can have visits to grandma's house as a reward for behaving, as long as it doesn't cause the behavior to begin again.
The grandmother should be spanking her for acting the way she is. If she can't support your parenting, then she needs to step back for a while.

Answer 10

Wow..that's bad..sounds like his mom really let her control her life and she's totally stepped out of line..well..don't send your daughter to your husband's mom's for a long time...

She probably wants to go there cause his mom does not discipline her..that's not good...no..don't send her there and also have a talk with his mom. set rules and guidelines for his mom to follow...this is very important that all of you are on the same page..

It's going to take a few weeks to straighten her up..you might want to find out exactly how his mom does things with her too..based on that ..change it to the right way...