What do you do to repair tension with your child?

Question

My son is 5 and we have a blended family situation. I was young when I had him and only in the last year become a better mom and understood more about being a more loving mom. OUr connection is a bit statiky at times however because of how I was when I was younger. I tend to yell and/or act angry when I am dissapointed or hurt and it has really started to make him turn his head the other way when I talk to him. He has gotten in trouble at school recently and tonight I really got on to him because he always takes forever to eat. (an hour and a half sometimes!) Anyway, I feel bad because lately all he seems to talk about is his dad who hardly even cares about him as he is going there for Christmas and I feel bad that we are kind of butting heads. I know I need to be more patient and express my feelings without frustration. Any ideas on how to reconnect with him? I told him I was sorry for using a mean voice and I wasnt angry with him just worried about him.

I dont know if he understands but I figured it wouldnt hurt. He just seems like his mind is miles away and I feel bad that its gotten to this point. I wont lie, I cant stand that he is so crazy about is dad who is a true deadbeat. I know its not his fault, but in a way I get annoyed. ANyway, thanks. Any nice advice is appreciated.

Answer 1

I hug him and tell him I'm sorry. We all have it rough in one way or another. Remember, he gender identifies already with his father and knows his dad is part of him- when you insult daddy, you insult your son! That should help you hold your tongue (believe me, I know how hard it is) Your son is only 5, and it seems he's been though the DMZ of parental drama already. Just baby him hun, he's missing his tender baby days, he's probably only got a few months left of being a baby.

Answer 2

My husband and I are married, but I am in a similar situation as I come from a home where I was screamed at all the time. I hated my mother. I vowed I would not do the same with my children, and while I am better than my mom was, I still yell too much or put too much blame on my 6 yo daughter. She, too, prefers her dad over me any day, and I am working so hard on repairing the relationship.

I have a date night with her every so often. It might be a sleepover in my room, or a movie night with popcorn and candy (I don't allow candy very often). Whatever she wants to watch, we do, even if its a stupid movie. I make sure to always tell her how much I love her. She has a little brother who is 2.5 and he is so cute and funny, I think she often feels put out by that, so I try to talk about when she was a baby, the funny things she used to do.

I celebrate the little things she does, and the big things. I tell her I appreciate when she does xyz. Also, and this helps a ton, I warn my kids when I've repeated myself too many times and am about to start yelling. That gives me a minute to breathe deep, and warns them to pay attention.

Also, remember, no parent is perfect. I'm sure you are doing the best you can. You should be proud of yourself for trying to do better.

Answer 3

Five can be a difficult age for little boys. Especially with out Dad in the home. My daughter lives with me with her 3 children. I watch then while she works and sometimes we have a few problems. But the best way to clear the air is a big bear hug. My 5 year old grandson had been having a terrible day not to long ago. He's being diagnosed for ADHD. So that adds to the stress as well. Any way after his third visit to the time out corner in two hours. I had him climb up on my lap and he just sat there and cuddled. We talked about trying harder listen and I rocked him as we talked. Soon he was laying in my arms like a baby just " chillin"!! His two year old brother didn't know what to think, but He was much better behaved the rest of the day. Sometimes they just need some cuddle time!!

Answer 4

It sounds like it could help you to attend some parenting classes. They are SO helpful, and in most cities you can find them for free or very cheap, through various organizations. As far as reconnecting with him, you are his mom, you know best what to do. Have fun with him, and don't forget to put yourself in his shoes once in a while...it sounds like he has had a rocky road, give him some compassion. It's totally understandable that you are annoyed about his feelings towards his father, but that's here to stay, at least for a while. If his dad continues to be a deadbeat, your son will see it when he gets older, and that's all there is to it. You will be appreciated for what you do, just make sure you're doing the best job possible. Enjoy him- someday you'll wish you had a 5 year old to drive you nuts at dinner!

Answer 5

first and foremost, keep trying to be the best, most loving mom you know how to be. kids sometimes have a tendency to do things just to hurt their parents. (even the young ones!) just be that constant, loving mom that is going to be right there all the time.

secondly, parenting classes are a good idea. it will give you the support you need to become the best mom you can be. also, you will be in there with other moms and dads who may be going through similar situations. sometimes just having another person who knows how you feel can be a great help!

don't give up! it's a difficult situation, but you and your son can get through it!

Answer 6

I had the same thing with my son. His dad is rarely around and I try not to bad mouth him in front of the kid, so my son tends to idolized his father. It doesn't help that when dad does come around, he is full of exciting Stories (lies) and gifts (stolen) and has no rules in his home. I come off looking like the cheapskate and the mean one.

I can only hope that as he gets older (eight now) he will come to realize that if his dad had really cared that much, he would have been around more and lied less. I do know that it is somethiing the kids are gonna have to come to on their own. I can't be the one to point these things out to them.

But in the mean time, it hurts that they seem to prefer them over us. But wait until he is hurt or sick. He'll want his mamma then, cause he nows who really takes care of him and who he can count on.

Answer 7

You know, it's the little things you do that show a child that you love them. Make their favorite meal or bake cookies while still insuring that they remember the basic rules. I tend to fly off the handle and yell when I shouldn't and I've found that just catching myself in the moment and saying I'm sorry does wonders and shows them that adults can make mistakes too and admit to it. I started to think of my son as just another adult. You wouldn't speak to another adult in the harsh tones like you would your child and a lot of the time we forget they have feelings and opinions too. When my son and I were butting heads and he wouldn't listen to me, I would draw a picture of my face with tears or something like that and write simple words and leave it on his bed. He started leaving me papers on my bed and later he would stick them on the refrigerator or in my car. Now he knows that when I loose my cool it's not because I'm mean.....it's because I'm falling apart inside and I need support......and he supports me. Good luck! You know there are some good books out there too. You can email me if you would like to talk more.