Parents of abuse, how have you stopped the cycle?

Question

I have recently found out that I am going to be a father, and I am the happiest man in the world. I want nothing more than to give my child every opportunity in this life that I was never given.

The day my child is born will be the day my life will begin, but with all these thoughts of joy, there is still a part of me that is scared to death. I was a victim of physical, psychological, and emotional abuse from both my parents through my childhood. I have always truly believed that I am nothing like my parents; but I am afraid that I too will become a hazard to my child.

I have always loved kids, and have been active in the lives of many kids. I know I can become the kind of father that I wish I had, but at the same time, no matter how hard I can try, no matter how much therapy I get, I can forget my childhood.

What can I do to make sure I do not become like my parents? Please no 'just don't do it' from those who were not abused.

What other things can I do to become a great dad?

I know parenthood is not easy, but I am up to the challenge. My life was taken away from me after all the years of abuse I went through, I want nothing more than to share the life of my child and watch my child grow in all facets of their life.

If you must know, I was abused because both my parents were addicted to meth most of my life.

Answer 1

I have also experienced abuse and I don't have children yet, but when I do, I am just going to make sure I watch myself closely on how i act and react to certain things and make sure I do not fall into that cycle. my advice to you is make sure you stay in therapy (find a good dr., i had to go through many to find a good one who really cares) and tell him or her your feelings and I bet she can really help you through this. Take care, good luck, and congrats!!! Everything that your parents did to you, make sure you do the opposite. I think you will be a great father (the fact that you are worried shows how much you already care about your child).

Answer 2

I'm glad that you are taking this seriously, because I believe that one very important step to solving a problem is to recognise one exists.

I'm a son of abusive parents, and also a victim of a long-term pattern of bullying and teacher abuse. For me, the problem was serious enough for me to seek counseling as early as my sophomore year of college. Today I have two children, 6 and 4. I have to say, the problem has not completely gone away. Yet I've made a lot of progress, and today I enjoy a good relationship with both my children.

I'm much more affectionate and balanced with my children than my mother and father were with me. Yet even so, I've found that a few times I've caught myself yelling at my children, and once I whipped my daughter with a belt. I realized then what was happening, and consulted counselors. We've talked about this in family and with school counselors, and the incident has not and will not be repeated.

The reason I share this with you is that no matter how good your intentions are, you will have to keep healing. Being a parent can at times be very stressful, and combined with any other issues, like a rough day at work, unemployment, drugs or alcohol, depression, problems with the budget or marriage, all these and more can factor toward old patterns re-emerging.

So I hope you will explore these issues, read as much as you can on healthy disciplining, and have a trusted friend or family member help you get reality checks from time to time. Play with your children, learn to laugh, smile and keep a good sense of humour. Stay away from drugs and alcohol, including excessive caffeine. Better yet, stay away from caffeine, energy drinks, and keep chocolate consumption to a minimum.

Should you find yourself depressed, consult a counselor or doctor right away, before it has a chance to bleed out onto other family members. Remember, and you were right when you said that, no matter how much therapy you get, you won't forget the childhood, and also you won't ever be "cured." But you can keep healing. You understand the difference?

Answer 3

I also was a victim of abuse and have children of my own now. I too was terrified that I might hurt my kids too. But I have overcome it!
Do not try to forget your childhood. Remember it, and learn from it.
Thank back.... Can you recall the events that took place immediately before an abusive situation? What could your father or mother have done at that time to avoid loosing it and hurting you? Try to be as specific as possible. The more specific you are the better prepared you'll be for the feature.
I wish I knew exactly what it was they did to you so I could give you more specific advise.
Just remember, YOU are NOT your parents!!! You are a good person and will be a wonderful father. The cycle of abuse stops right here! By ending the abuse now you are saving several generations, totaling dozens of children from the horror of abuse.
Good for you! It takes really courage to stand up and say "I won't tolerate this any more and I refuse to put my children through it either!"

Answer 4

Sounds like you're already well on the way to being a great Dad. I applaud your concern and your pro-active approach. I can't forget my childhood either. But I don't let it rule me any more.

What makes me different to them?

I KNOW now they had no right to abuse me. I KNOW I didn't deserve any of it. The times when I've really been on the edge with my kids, I've thought about that, put a mental picture of that in front of me and backed waaay off. I am never going to sink to their level.

Can you get some therapy? Counselling? Just to talk to someone who can reassure you would help a lot.
You are not your parents. Your parents never gave "parenting" a second thought, and here YOU are, pre-birth, trying to get it right. That's a major difference right there.

I think your child is going to be lucky enough to have a fine Dad and a great role model. All the luck in the world to you and your family.

Answer 5

Go get some counseling. Learn the warning signs and red flags of what might trigger the kind of abuse your parents gave to you. Talk to a professional about who to control anger, emotions, and how to be a great father ( since you did not have a good role model). Best Wishes to you, I know you'll be a wonderful father. The fact that you care enough to ask the question shows you will be!!

Answer 6

I believe the first step is to recognize if you have the 'potential' to restart the cycle of abuse.
I was severely beaten as a child on a regular basis...the old 'spare the rod - spoil the child!' If I didn't get it at home, I got the strap at school. It was brutal.

Well, I made it my mindset to not have my children go through the same thing.

The first thing I did was to seek advise and take parenting courses. You need not only a desire to be a good parent but you need the tools - really good tools - please let me explain.

Do you remember Juan Valdez, the little Columbian coffee grower, and his donkey? Well, Juan has a brother Pedro. Both brothers work in the coffee business but Pedro moved to the United States.

Juan gets up at 4 am to take his donkey and empty baskets up the mountain to spend the whole day picking coffee beans then about 6 pm he starts his journey down to the plant to drop off his two large baskets - arriving home about 9 pm for dinner and sleep.

Pedro gets up at 5 am to take his truck and trailer to the Maxwell House Distribution Centre in New York. He loads the 45 foot trailer chalkerblock full of cans of coffee destined for Chicago, Il. Pedro leaves about 7 am and arrives in Chicago 2 pm. He drops his load; picks up a trailer to return to New York and gets back 9 pm. He ate on the road so drives directly home; showers and goes to bed.

Both men worked long hard days, but one moved a significantly greater amount of coffee a far greater distance. The difference - the tools used. Donkey vs truck.

Now, if you want to enhance your parenting skills, take the best courses you can. Check into them. Take your spouse with you.

Then put into practice what you've learned.

I "know" my children love me - they don't fear me like I feared my father and my relationship with all my children is very close.

You can have it too...

Answer 7

I am not a parent, but and adult child of abuse. I can say that you MUST get counseling now. You MUST deal with your past so you will not repeat it.

My abuse prompted me into psychology, I've been helping others for many years now. I worked through my anger and pain, you have to do that too.

You are well on the road to becoming a great dad. How do I know? You recognize your past is a problem, you love your unborn child enough to ask this question and are willing to do anything. Now that's a really good father and daddy.

Answer 8

The fact that you are aware of what you came from and that you want to be different is your best resource. Take parenting classes and be totally hands on with your child. As long as you spend time with your child and get to know him or her, the rest will fall into place. You may mess up sometimes, but all in all I bet you will be a great dad.

Answer 9

I stopped the cycle by picturing in my head what my dad did to me and how i felt at that time , and knowing i would never ever want to do that to my 3 kids. I was sexually, physically, and emotionally abused growing up , and i can tell ya know if any man ever put his hands on my daughters or my son , there life would be over. I t is hard not to do the same as our parents did , but you just have to catch yourself, and realize your kids love you whole heartedly, and that, they don't deserve it. like the lady above said your child is not you, it takes awhile to learn but eventually you do.

Answer 10

Well, let me start for just saying CONGRATULATIONS!!! I am sure you will be a great dad, see...you already have the good intention, the love that you have for your unborn baby speaks a lot for itself, so don't worry, even if later in life you make mistakes, you are just human, we as parents try to give our kids all the things that we missed as children, but once you have your baby with you and as time passes by you realize that is not as easy as it looks, but as long as you love them and try to give them all the best, be there when they need you and teach how to become a great person...then you'll see that you have done a good job, or at least you tryied. God Bless you and your baby, and keeps on blessing your lives. Good Luck!