Please help me respect my mom more?

Question

She's Thai and we live in the US. The thing is, she didn't really prepare us much for American society, hasn't yet integrated into the US, and our house is run very messily/unstructured. A lot of what I learned about living in this country and progressing I've learned from my father.

I think that my mom would rather me in Thailand. She's my mother and I love her, but at the current moment I'm not liking certain things about the way that she "runs" the household.

edit: oops, in the 2nd paragraph, I meant to say "rather (be) in Thailand"

Our house is run so unstructured when my Dad is away monthly on business, that the only times that I can really get work done are the night, because it's all peaceful and quiet then.

Answer 1

I'm guessing that your mom probably feels out of place here, and I'm sure that she's lonely for all the people, traditions and things that she left behind. It could be that she's trying to find some comfort and meaning in a society that's hard for her to identify with... that's at odds with her past perceptions and values, which of course is how she sees herself.

There use to be a book called, "Stranger in a strange land". Maybe that's how she feels... that's she's in a place that doesn't really understand or accept her. As far as lack of structure... well, that usually happens when people are depressed. And if you're mom is struggling with some of things I've discussed here, she could certainly be depressed.

I'm not sure what to advise. I might suggest that she contact some other ex-patriots from Thailand, just to increase her comfort level and connection with her own experiences growing up; reaffirm the validity of her own life. And if she's already doing that, or if that's not enough... then perhaps counselling from someone she trusts and will talk to.

Anyway, your mom is... your mom. And like most moms, I'm sure she loves you very much. Give it time, support her, and I'm sure things will get better.

Answer 2

I'm sure a lot of American-born people also have messily/unstructured ways of running their households. Try not to equate your mother's ethnicity with the state of your home. Plus you can't really expect to learn much about US society from someone who's grown up in a totally different place. By all means learn as much as you can about the US from your father and from your own self-education, but don't forget or disregard the cultural knowledge your mother has to offer. She deserves your respect, and to do that you need to understand her and where she's coming from.

Answer 3

Your question tells me that you do respect your mother and that want to learn how to understand her more.
1. Yes she gave birth to you but anyone gave have kids these days.
2. It's not easy talk to your parents.

I have a feeling that your mom is lonely. Away fr: her honey, her parents, her culture, her country and her life. Running the household when dad's away or whatnot is her thing so don't take it away fr: her. Watch her body language in regards to different topics. Do this to find what makes her happy or just smile. If it's Thailand she misses, ask her what she loves about "home". I get the impression that you're a half-Thai born in the U.S. Understand your mom left her home to start a new life w/ your dad and for her children. Respect her culture and her ways. Also understand that it has been part of the mother's duties to teach her children about culture. Her culture is Thai and she might feel it is easier to teach you her culture if you were in her homeland.
Here's a good bonding suggestion: ask her to teach you Thai, if you don't know it and if you do, speak more to her in Thai. Go to events re: the culture and share resources w/ her that may come in the Thai language.
Maybe there are other issues involved that you are not aware of: Mail order brides, human trafficking, U.S. military imperialism on South East Asia, oppression of Immigrant women by White American men.
Educate yourself.

Answer 4

So far everyone has given you good answers and what I would like to add to the list of answers is simple.
Ask both of your parents to sit down with you at the same time and have them each tell you and the other what each expects of you and you can tell them both what you are saying here with your question and remember to speak with love and respect in your voice and your heart as well.
After you and your parents have gone over everything then sit back and think it all over and hopefully they will too and tomorrow should be a better day for you and your parents as well because instead of just pining over it you will have brought it all out in the open so everyone knows how the other is feeling and thinking too.
I do wish you and your parents the best and remember that it will take your dear mother much longer to come around to the American way of life because of her life before coming to America. You both need to be patient with each other and never stop loving your mother and give in to her ways a bit too.

Answer 5

How about this -- try thinking of her for a moment not as "mom," but as a human being. Think about how she grew up, what her life has been like - as though she were a person you read about. Here she is, she left everything she knew and was used to, to travel to a country where the culture, language, everything were very different. Why did she do it? Because she loves your father? Because she wanted her family to have more opportunities? Some other reason?

How you learn to respect her is by getting to know her as a person. You ask questions - then you listen to the answers. Don't judge, just listen.

For one thing, leaving everything familiar to you to start again in a new, unfamiliar place is very brave. You can respect that, right?
Maybe she isn't up to completely throwing over everything she knows to blend in, but does she have to?

As for the rest, well, try to remember that most of us don't run our homes the way our parents did. You can make your own life as structured and tidy (for example. your room) as you like, and when you're out on your own, you can run your own home however seems best to you.

And if you have kids, when they grow up and are on their own, they'll probably run their homes differently than you do.

So you love her as your "mom," you remember that there's more than one way to do just about anything, including run a home, and you try to get to know and understand her as a person - a wife, daughter, friend, mom and all the things she is. Somewhere in there, you'll find things you can respect about her. Good luck!

Answer 6

People react to change in different ways. Some people embrace it and some people pretend it hasn't happened. I think your mom may be be the latter. You may have to be a role model for her and show her how change can be good. She probably misses Thailand because that is what she knows. She may be very afraid of her new life in the U.S. Help her to adjust to life here. It may bring the two of you closer together.

Answer 7

Talk to her..that is a sign of respect rather than keep every hurt or grudges to yourself which later on will cause you to hate your mom.. (that will be so bad ). Remember that parents understand their child. Understand her also. She needs you now more anyone else especially now that you are adjusting to your new home. Sometimes all it takes is a little understanding. When we start to understand why people are like this..or like that..there are reasons to consider.And besides your mom is no superwoman or wonderwoman, she can't do all the chores all by herself so..why don't you lend her a hand? Hope this helps. God bless

Answer 8

You're right she is your Mom and for that one reason you should love and respect her.

She's doing the best she knows how in a very strange country with customs that she probably doesn't understand.

Let your father teach you what he knows and let your mother teach you about who you are and where you came from.

In life both of those things will be important to you....good luck

Answer 9

If you want to respect your mother more you should try to keep more Thai culture in your household. Show her that you respect her love for Thailand.

Answer 10

Hello you said you love your mom but the house is messy why don't you clean the house and at the same time show your mom how things are done in the U.S. with your help I am sure she will understand.