How to handle out of control 19 yo girl?

Question

How can I deal with a know it all 19yo daughter? She expects me to pay support for her going to school. I don't mind to do so if I know where and what for. She tells me to prove that she is going to school she needs to get a transcript from office which costs money. However a while ago I got a copy of an e-mail to a proffesser at the school saying that she was droping to part-time due to working full time and being pregnant. I have tried to talk to her about getting pregnant at this point of her life and she will not talk to me as anytime I try to say something I am lecturing her. I do not have any info as to where and when she goes to school. Also she has lived with boyfreind, grandmother and mother, never know where she is living, or what she is doing. I have stopped paying ,however need to have it one legaly but cannot afford to waste the money. She had come and lived with me for a few months when she was 16, I then paid for lawyer to have order changed and she moved to grandmothers

she moved to grandmothers and I had legal bill over $1200.00 don't want to go through tha again!!

In Canada been to lawyer. They say no sure answer

Answer 1

I don't know if the key is dealing with her or if it is teaching her a few lessons in life. I had a similar but in some cases worst situation, now my daughter, after having dropped out of school, selling drugs on the street, getting pregnat at 18years old and living on the street, is a certified paramedic and works at the local jail as a supervisor (she been promoted after having been there only 2 months). It was tough love that got her to this point (aside form the grace of God). If you are trying to compensate any time missed in her life and the fact that maybe she had to become a product of a single family, your first order of business is to stop. Life gives us lemons and somehow we must figure out how to make lemonade. If you continue to give her money make he account for every dime. In fact I would likely not give her money, I would pay for her classes and services directly and insist that if she is going to live her life recklessly, you will not contribute to that and that only the positive things in her life will be supported. I would also take the time (if you haven't already) to tell her exactly how you feel and it is ok if she feels you are lecturing that is what parents do. Let her know that if she made responsible decisions you would have no need to lecture. You may even have to cut her off for a while, just so she can see what is like not having your support. Tough love is the key. Don't let her go shipwreck while trying to compensate for somethng you had no control over.

Answer 2

This is too complicated for just anyone to answer. I suggest you get a 3rd party involved, a professional therapist. There are many on sliding scale fees in clinics. Please, this is your daughter, and she is attempting to blackmail you just because you are her mom. But don't lose the relationship by being angry. Set boundaries, and ask for her involvement with any interactions you have.
Take yourself out of the equation, and pretend this is a friends' child. How would you advise her? Emotions will affect how you answer for yourself i.e. it is your daughter, she says you owe her something, etc. So, step back, get professional advice, even though your daughter will be mad/hate you if you refuse her. She won't like you even if you do, by the way. She will see you as weak and an easy touch. So, go with the brains, not the heart right now. She will come around as she gets older, but don't sacrifice yourself for this adult....whoops, you thought she was a child. No, to society she is an adult, and responsible for her own life now. She got pregnant? Did she ask you first? Of course not, so don't fur line the pig pen right now. Let her grow up, suffer the consequences of her poor choices, and be there with open arms and a closed pocketbook. Money doesn't buy happiness for anyone, and if she wants college and you to pay, she needs to prove that is what she REALLY wants. Or is this a cry to ask for love, in the form of money?

Answer 3

you have to stop and look at it from her view clearly she does not have a stable life and you should take ownership for some of that. Now you said she wasliving with her boyfriend at one point did you ever meet him or try to be an active part of her life with him. does she have help financially from anyone else? Maybe she decided to go part time for a reason, lets face it school is expernsive and being a student can be difficult.You should be happy she made the decision to go to school because it doesnt sound like your giving her support for that decision. There are a lot of worse things that she could be doing. there are always two sides to every story hers would be interesting. Just go to a lawyer and get legal advice it doesnt cost anything. Maybe if you held back and listened to what she is going through you would have a better relationship.

Answer 4

Are you in the US? You need to make an apt with an attorney. Seems like this will save you some money in the long run.
I don't know the laws, but I would think she is responsible for herself at age 18 unless still in high school.

Answer 5

u spoiled her and now there is no way out u juss have to stop doing anything for her and let her have nothing then she will realize she loves u and she needs u but it will take awhile let her rot alone

Answer 6

she's 19 years old. she needs to start taking responsibility for herself. that doesn't mean that you can't be in her life and help her out, but it seems that she's dependent on everyone around her except for herself.

Answer 7

keep her in control