My mother is a deadbeat, drug addicted, perpetually ill, manipulative, pathologically lying, person who is constantly putting stress on everyone. She has horrible mood swings and is either your best friend or your worst enemy. Pretty much a perfect example of Borderline Personality Disorder.
She dumped my sister and I with my grandparents when I was three and disapeared until I was in high school. She has been living in the same town as us since then and I've gotten to the point where I never want to see her again.
How should I go about telling her that I don't ever want contact with her again without it becoming a big scene? I have to make sure it sticks because she has a habit of 'forgetting' when things happen that she doesn't like.
2006-11-12 10:22:20 · 20 answers · asked by Dysthymia 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Hi,
I'm going through a similar thing right now. I also think my mom has borderline personality disorder (even though she doesn't think she does... and starts to make me feel like I have borderline personality disorder).
I was thinking about taking a "break" for a long time, and then about a year ago I went through with it. I wrote my parents a note, telling them that I would be out of contact for some time. I explained that it wasn't b/c I don't love them, but b/c I needed the break. I didn't feel angry towards them, but I am a nervous wreck when my mom is in my life (and my dad is really passive, so doesn't help).
Anyhow, she reacted "badly." She sent me angry emails, etc. (I live in a different state.) We changed our phone number anyways, and just didn't give them our new number, and I blocked her email address.
She still emails my husband sometimes. I don't read them and wish I didn't ask him to tell me about them. It seems like every email has a different tone/mood. Basically, her desperate reaction has made me happy that I am taking the break. But, I also feel very guilty (because they are my parents, I do love them, and I know this is causing them pain).
Was it worth it? I think so... I've had a much "calmer" year. But, I do have the guilt issue. I also don't know when/if I'll want contact again.
Anyhow... I think the note I started the whole thing out with was a good idea. People take things in writing more seriously. Even though the immediate reaction wasn't positive... what else could I have expected? If you just start to ignore her... you aren't starting out "in control" because it will just seem immature to her. You need to make the terms. Decide what your terms are, and let her know. Deal with her reaction by not reacting. She'll know you're serious.
Other than that... I'm still figuring stuff out and am not sure what to do next. Relationships need empathy to work. Relationships with these types of parents just don't work. You have to be free to get out of a relationship if you are going to be free in the relationship. Etc. etc. Seeing a therapist can help (even if you don't think therapy WITH your mom will make the situation better), but ultimately, it's your decision. You have to live with the decision you make. And, that's the hard part.
Good luck...
2006-11-14 07:52:47 · answer #1 · answered by Bad Daughter 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You may not like the answer, but I think you should consider getting professional help. While it may seem easier to avoid the problem, in the end it will be much better for both of you if you fix it. Don't take this offensively, but what you're going through isn't exactly rare for teens/young adults in any case.
If she's doing things that are physically hurting you and your sister however, or doing anything illegal, you may want to have your grandparents talk to an lawyer, and see what your legal options are. At the very least, you might be able to get a restraining order.
2006-11-12 18:29:24 · answer #2 · answered by Mike R 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Don't tell her anything. If you start this conversation with her, it WILL lead to major drama and then you will feel bad and look like the bad person. Change your phone number and don't give it to her (many phone companies will change once a year for free if you are getting harassing calls, but you will need to tell the phone company first. Make sure that you are judicious in who you give your new number to and tell them that under no circumstances are they to pass it along to anyone. Have her phone number blocked so that if she somehow gets hold of your new number, she will get a message saying that you are not accepting her calls. Screen all your calls with an answering machine and caller id if possible. It might be worth it to move and/or change jobs depending on how much you like where you live/work.
If you run into her and she says that she has been trying to reach you, don't say anything. If she asks why you won't talk to her just tell her that you "don't have anything to say". Don't even say to her specifically, just "I don't have anything to say". Walk away and stay away.
2006-11-12 18:33:19 · answer #3 · answered by Trust no 1 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I loved the way you phrased that ".....perfect example of Borderline Personality Disorder". In your case I definitely agree. Take it from someone who knows what its like to break it off entirely with 2 or more family members. Dont answer phones, dont go see them, if they come over dont answer the door. Really be forceful about it, but this is what you really need to think about though. Do you really want to sever all ties with your mom? Have you ever thought about how you could help her? Or maybe you have and you just feel like you cant do anymore? If you want to go with my first idea, thats cool, but it would be even better if you made sure BEFORE you did that, to make sure that it was what you really wanted to do, and whether you should or not. I did all I could with my family members, and its turned out for the better, but that doesnt mean it will do the same for you. So be sure thats what you think about BEFORE you make any decisions, take it from someone who knows. I'll be praying for you. Something to think on..........
2006-11-12 18:30:46 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
The best way with someone like that is cold turkey. I wouldn't even bother telling her......like you said, she "forgets" anyhow. When she tries to contact you, don't return phone calls. Don't acknowledge her in any way. Eventually, she might get the hint. If she doesn't, you might want to consider moving to a different county and/or state. That would definitely solve the problem as I see it. Good luck !
2006-11-12 18:25:52 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Good question. I will be watching this one closely. I also have more than one family member l would like to wash my hands of. Keep the answers rolling in guys. Thanks.ps in all honesty though l can't say l blame you for the way you feel. If it was my mum l would just tell her straight, you are not welcome to come near me or my family and if you do you will suffer the consequences. Good luck hope we both get some decent answers.
2006-11-12 18:33:32 · answer #6 · answered by kazzadanni 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
She's still your mother and you cant change that...I'd ignore her and avoid her as much as possible and hope she gets the hint, but outright telling her is going to make a scene you might regret.
Start pushing her to get help..counseling, etc. You could even use that as an ultimatum. Mom, if you don't get into drug counseling, I don't want to be around you...that makes it much less personal.
Good luck
2006-11-12 18:30:13 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Write a list 4 her and keep a copy... 4 her 2 see a shrink, go to AA, a health doctor, and anything else you can think of. Good luck 4 it can take a long time 4 she might not realize her problems.
2006-11-12 18:27:36 · answer #8 · answered by rhonda_seiler 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
you do not have to TELL her anything
avoid all contact with her
she will only bring you down
your life should focus on the positive and she is nothing but a negative person
you can't change her so move on she has never been there for you
2006-11-12 18:34:16 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
be straight up with her,let her know how you feel and you don't want her in your life anymore,she already proved how not to be a mother to you even tho it might have been the best thing that you were with the grandparent,your life could have been worst if you lived with her while on drugs,tell her up front and let it be.
2006-11-12 18:28:22 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋