I think my best friend may be about to commit suicide. Can I stop her? No dumb answers, please. It's serious.

Question

She seems to have everything that makes a successful life - nice home, no money worries, husband, children, friends, family, job and hobbies but I've noticed she's putting on a "show"! Everyone who knows her says she's adorable, funny, clever, gorgeous etc.The trouble is that she let slip she feels as if she's a waste of space and shouldn't be here. She's always happy and smiling in company but on her own she is tearful, low and can't see the point in tomorrow. I discovered she's been on anti-depressants for nearly 20 years and has been hospitalised for suicide attempts. She tells everyone how happy and lucky she is all the time so why do I get the feeling she is pretending just to keep us at bay? I've asked her if she wants to die and she says "Don't be daft! I just cry a lot!" but I don't believe her. Is it possible for someone to be born a depressive and is there a cure? She seems to be hanging on to life by the skin of her teeth! I'll never forgive myself if she ends her life.

My brother hung himself 4 years ago and I don't want to go through another suicide. It would destroy me. My friend is loved by everyone and she is the centre of so many people's lives. How do you tell someone they have value when they can't see it? The hard part is that she hides her misery but I see her slipping away piece by piece. So many people are attention seekers but she isn't like that. In fact, I know she would rather disappear all together. The only thing keeping her alive seems to be sheer determination to last one more day! She has said living with a black cloud above her head every day is getting harder and she doesn't know how to fix it. Sometimes she smiles and jokes "Don't worry about me. I'll survive!", "Oh well! Maybe I'll die tomorrow, but not today!!" or "I'm tired of fighting a losing battle!" It chills me inside. She isn't scared of dying and believes in God too. When she thinks no one is looking, she looks so broken and lost. :-(

Are you an idiot, Mavis?? If I was jealous, I wouldn't waste my time worrying about her! I hope no one ever commits suicide in your world! But with an attitude like yours, maybe you don't have anyone who gives a damn about you! I have a life, I just care about others too!

Answer 1

Sometimes people are really good at putting on a big act about how they're "fine" and "happy"--some people are good at lying, or at least hiding the real truth. A lot of times, people feel really pressured to perform a certain way, like they're "supposed" to be happy because they have stuff, money, family, friends, good job, good house, good car...all that crap that's nice but doesn't make you happy.

If you're not happy, you can be surrounded by a banquet and starve. People may care about you, but you might not care about yourself. So when you see glimpses and flashes of unhappiness, that might be a lot more honest than her facade of everything being OK.

Don't pressure her if she really doesn't want to talk about it--you don't want her to get defensive and push you away. She always has the choice to avoid you--in fact, she has the choice to kill herself if that's what she wants. You can't fix her problems, and you're not responsible for her actions. But don't take that like there's nothing you can do.

If you get a *little* resistance, a *little* hesitation...push forward. Push her to tell you the truth. Push her to get professional help. Push her to find out what's really important and go for it--fulfillment can make a person feel much more important and useful to the world. Ever heard, "idle hands are the devil's playthings"? If you're unhappy but you force yourself to do *something*, something helpful to yourself or others, it can take your mind off being depressed and it can give you a sense of purpose.

But she shouldn't go for the temporary fix. If her meds aren't working, she should try new ones. If she's not in therapy, she should get in therapy. If she has any addiction issues (not saying she does, but you don't know for sure what she's hiding), she needs to deal with those.

And remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It may not be that she wants to die--sometimes, it's not about that. Sometimes, it just seems like the only way to escape from the problems of life. You need to encourage her to strengthen the part of herself that wants to live (I'm sure there's part of her that wants to live, or is at least ambiguous about suicide.) Encourage the part of her that realizes that the future might be better. I used to feel way worse than now, and part of getting better was just slogging through the bad times, waiting for something better.

Depression is hard, cruel, boring sometimes. It's a drain and a plague--I can think of a lot of diseases I'd rather have than depression. But it's a disease, and diseases can get better--just keep telling her that. Be persistent. She might get irked at you now, but she'll thank you later.

Answer 2

Yes some people are born with depression, It comes form a chemical Imbalance in the brain where the electrodes fire. No there is no cure only a way to make things better and today a lot more hope than ever for finding a cure. I have read your detailed description of you friends life and I have to say seriously you just found out she has been taking pills for the last 20 years and only after finding out you become worried I wounder how did you feel before finding out. By the way pills or not everybody needs to cry and let out some feelings now and then that does not mean there going to do it. I would suggest you be a good friend and keep the worry to your self but pay close attention to you friends' behavior see if she is just blowing off steam or starting to loose either way you will help your friend well. good luck and enjoy

Answer 3

Yes, she needs all the help she can get now, and yes, you have to be the one to help her since it seems no one else sees through her superficial happiness.

1st call a suicide hotline and have her evaluated and then taken to a psychiatric hospital or any hospital with a psychiatric section in it, and let medical professionals handle her from there.

Obviously the anti-depressants aren't doing the job for her, so she will likely need to change the one she's been on most recently, unless she's been on the same one the whole time; anti-depressants do increase the risk of suicide for some people, and she may be one of those people.

The fact that she has everything most people would want to have in life and is still depressed or bipolar and suicidal means that her mental illness is almost definitely genetic.

Knowing the above truth, there is not much you can do for her in the way of positive talk and advice.

Lastly, if you know about ECT as a treatment option for those who are depressed, either convince your friend that she needs it, or tell the doctors to convince her of the merit ECT has.

You didn't mention that she had ECT before, so I'm assuming that she hasn't had it.

ECT is now one of the most popular and effective treatments for depression, and most especially for people like your friend who aren't responding to meds or psychiatric therapy.

Here's some websites that will give you the information you need, and God bless you for caring about this person.

Answer 4

I'm a 29 year old and I have bipolar I have been exactly where your friend is right now. Unfortunately for me the only thing that got me help was an unsuccessful suicide attempt. Hopefully in your friend's case that won't happen. You sound like a good friend and that is exactly what she needs right now. You and a doctor. You need to try and sit down and talk with her. See if she will open up to you about what she's feeling inside because like I said she needs to see a doctor. It also sounds like she needs to be put on some sort of medications. I hope you and your friend find the help that your both looking for before it's too late. Good Luck and God Bless.

Answer 5

No way to get the guy to love her again. For guys, the biggest turn off is a desperate women (maybe not sexually but as datable material, no way). The only thing your friend can do is stop being so melodramatic because I really don't think she will actually commit suicide and is just looking for attention. Just in case, tell her parents or get her in touch with a suicide hotline ASAP.

Answer 6

I know how it feels to have someone close to you try and commit suicide, or at least threaten to do so. My brother tried at age 16 and almost succeeded. My older sister who is now 21 tried for many years since the age of 17. My little sister who is now 16 tried since she was 12 yrs old and she too almost succeeded twice. Their problems were revolved around stress, fitting in, being alone, not having any one to turn to. My father was a druggie, and my mom was working and we basically only had my grandmother who loved to punish us for every little thing. The truth is that they needed someone they could confide in. Maybe if your friend went into some sort of therapy, group or one on one with someone who specializes in this type of thing, then maybe she will get the help she needs. Maybe the root of her problem is something deeper than she is leading you on to believe. For instance my brothers was the fact that he was different, an A student, popular, out going guy, who girls loved to date and be seen with. He had internal problems, mostly from child hood. Maybe your friends problem roots from when she was a child. Maybe she never got what she really needed. What changed my little sister was her almost watching her best friend commit suicide on Naproxine. Her friend was rushed to the hospital and almost died. My sister seen the reaction of my parent, her parents, and everyone saddend because of the actions of a friend, and daughter. She said she wouldn't want anyone to have to go through the pain. Maybe if you try talking to your friend, more about internal problems, and find out when she started taking pills, you might find out more. Be understanding and don't judge, keep in mind that at any time she can have a breakdown. Maybe what keeps her going is knowing that you are there with her. Be a good listener and let her know that you can always be the shoulder she can cry on. I hope this helps.

Answer 7

If she does decide to attempt or succeed at committing suicide, it will not be your fault, but her choice.

Having 'stuff' (including a husband and kids) does not make you immune from feelings of worthlessness and despair. It sounds like she has serious problems, and it is so hard to see someone you care for suffer in this way. Depression is a really tough condition to suffer from as often there are no outward signs. There is also still a huge stigma about this and other mental illnesses. If she is on anti-depressants then her doctor is aware of her condition, but this does not necessarily mean she is getting the appropriate help. Maybe counselling will help, but she will have to go willingly.

All I can say is, be there for her but accept that her decisions are not for you to shoulder.

Here are a few websites that may help you to understand how she might be feeling, she might like to look at them too.

http://www.samaritans.org/

http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Factsheets/

http://www.metanoia.org/

Answer 8

Maybe she should stop taking the antidepressants and go on a vacation with you. Or maybe she's just tired of all the attention she gets and it feels overwhelming. Find something that will allow her to take a deep breath and just relax. Like a jacuzzi, massage, or any place else that provides comfort and peace, but not surrounded by too many people. It's possible that your friend is also afraid of crowds. A reason that she feels hopeless is because her life is too routine and doesn't offer enough changes to motivate her.

Answer 9

There must be some things in the home that are making her so
sad that she doesn't want to live. She sounds very flighty, like my
sister-in-law was shen she got out of re-hab for drugs. She was
all happiness & hugs for a while. Maybe this woman has to exert
so much energy to show that happy face that it all just falls and she feels bad knowing that people know she puts on a front but
she doesn't want everyone to know her real problems that she is
keeping so secret. You can only try to keep her for injuring herself or killing herself. When she is alone she's on her own.

Answer 10

You have to tell someone immediately!
In her deeply depressed state, she is not equipped to make the decision of whether or not to seek help: you have a responsibility to seek help for her.
You have to save her life!
find a local suicide telephone helpline or suicide help organization. Do a google search on suicide, suicide help, suicide prevention, suicide help organizations, friends contemplating suicide, and other things like that. go see a doctor, psychologist, or psychiatrist immediately, and tell them about your friend. This is a very real danger for your friend. No matter how small the chance of her committing suicide seems to be, you have to make sure she has help!

Call 1-800-SUICIDE
The National Hopeline Network provides access to trained telephone counselors, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
or find the UK national helpline if you are in the UK.

Also, here are just a few UrL's to use:

http://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=suicide+help&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8

http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=home

http://www.networkforgood.org/topics/health/suicide/?source=GOOG&cmpgn=AWSP

http://www.metanoia.org/

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/samaritans.htm

Send an anonymous e-mail to The Samaritans
Call 1-800-SUICIDE in the U.S.
Teenagers, call Covenant House NineLine, 1-800-999-9999
Look in the front of your phone book for a crisis line
Call a psychotherapist
Carefully choose a friend or a minister or rabbi, someone who is likely to listen

You must act now to save her!