Controlling mother. What to do?

Question

I'm turning 19 tomorrow (the 13th). I have a 3.8 GPA in college working on two degrees, and I even work full-time. The apartment we're living in is under my name and I let her have more than half of my paycheck for utilities, rent, and whatever else needs to be paid. The thing is, my mother is extremely controlling. She doesn't want friends calling my cell, or my even hanging out with them. Those are friends that she doesn't even know personally. Sometimes she makes suggestions and expects me to accept them or she'll get super pissed and then start yelling and/or never ends the lecture.

The other day, we were discussing careers and she said if I didn't take this and that career, she'd be super disappointed in me.

I have a boyfriend now, and if she finds out she'd start another 3-day argument until I leave him. She hasn't met him yet because she never gave him the chance to stop by our place. How can I tell her I have a BF without having her freak out?

Answer 1

Excuse me!?! As the mother of two adult children I suggest that you find your own apartment, see your mother as time permits and you choose. If you want advice on a subject ask her, if not, tell her politely that you've got it handled. At 19 you're still young but by going to school, working and giving Mom half of your money for bills, you've proven yourself to be responsible.

It is hard when our children grow up and all of a sudden are in control of their own lives. I do understand the desire to pull them back and make them our babies again but that ain't going to happen. From this point on your relationship needs to become adult-to-adult and not adult-to-child. There are some good books on the subject particularly dealing with the mother/daughter relationship.

Your mom should be proud that she raised such a responsible young women.

Good luck to you and mom.

Answer 2

You need to stand up to your mother, let her know you have the power. You let her control you, and she keeps thinking that she will control you b/c you have let her since she had you. Threaten her, tell her you are an adult now, you have your own life and she has not control over it. IF she has a problem with it leave the apartment b/c you dont need to put up with the arguements. I really think she needs ot move out either way b/c you wont be able to escape it otherwise.

It wont be easy, and you love her. You are protecting her and helping her but in the end you need to look at your well being. What is important to you at this age, what do you need to do to better your life. She is the parent and you are the child, you dont need to be the parent and suppport her. Push her a bit, make sure she see's your dominance and that you are making the rules of your life, if she dont like it tough... Great Luck sweety

Answer 3

How to tell her you have a boyfriend isn't the core issue. You need to leave your roommate (your mom), strike out on your own and give your mother a chance to grow up. She won't like it, but your relationship with her will be better in the long-run.

Your present efforts to keep the peace will provide you with no end of frustration, and after all is said and done, your mom will likely be even more controlling, not less.

Cut the cord, live your own life, let your mom know that you love her... but let her know, too, that loving her doesn't mean that you surrender your independance and future to her.

I'm sure that your mom is concerned for you, and that her controlling behavior is partly due to that concern. But a mature parent realizes that their children are people in their own right, and have to be respected as such.

Answer 4

sounds like mom is very domineering and living her life through you. why not give yourself a wonderful birthday present tomorrow and tell mom i just gave myself a present and it's call independence. let her know that she has had her chance at life, and i'm sure she didn't like people telling her what to do, and now it's your turn at life. by doing this, of course, you have to mean it. you have to take the good and the bad, the last thing you want is to going running back to mom with regrets because then she wins. but if you don't break the ties she has on you, you'll never get your own life. nineteen is still young, so make sure, this is something that would make you happy to do. you can still live with her - but you want to make your own decisions. don't let her freak out about the boyfriend - just let her know this is the way it is, i'm not asking for permission, i just thought it would be nice for you to meet him. but he is not open for discussion, he's my choice not yours. happy birthday and good luck.

Answer 5

These answers are not what you are looking for, I know, I had a controlling mother. Everyone wants to tell you to tell her off and speak up for yourself. People with normal mothers don't understand that you can't handle them this way. I finally figured out that my mother was more accepting of things when she felt like she was in on things from the beginning. Like, start mentioning from time to time that there is this guy who is cute and nice and you are nervous about talking to him or something like that. Then your mother will probably ask YOU about him eventually. The worst thing to do is to let your mother know a relationship is already formed without her being in on it from the beginning. If she thinks she's being kept up to date and advising you on it from the start, she will be more accepting. Good Luck! And Good Manipulating!

Answer 6

First thing first. Stop giving her any portion of your paycheck, and have her put the apartment in her name as it should be.

Next, move out on your own, not in with your BF, not him in with you, on your own. Normally i would not say that a 19 yo is ready to be on their own, but it sounds like your mom needs you more than you need her. You sound like you can make it on your own, so go for it.

Can you live in a college dorm? That might be the way to go. But you mom has to learn that you are not supposed to support her.

As far as telling her you have a bf, I would wait until she repects you enough to let you have friends call you on the phone.

Answer 7

wow this is a bad situation. i know she is your mom but you are your own person and need to make your own decisions. i guess you should just let her know that you love her but this has to stop. you are over the age of 18 and you need to be able to live your own life.I'm a mom too and i try to give my son room to make his own decisions whether they are right or not it has made him a better person for both his accomplishments and his mistakes. sometimes as mothers we hate to let go and our way of holding on is by what your mom is doing. but sometimes we as mothers need that tough love thing no matter how much it hurts. good luck and i hope for the very best for you. it sounds like you are going in the right direction.

Answer 8

have you ever thought about just moving out?
providing you make enough money, perhaps renting your own apartment nearby would give you the space you want while still being close enough to your mom so she doesn't completely freak out.
you seem to have your schoolwork and your job under control, and if you haven't given her reason to distrust you, i don't see why she does.

try to talk it over with her, ask her why she wont give you a bit more freedom, and tell her straight out that moving out maybe be a possibility.

good luck!

Answer 9

Sweety you sound as if you have it going on whether or not mama is there or not. I would move out of that pad and get my own. You are old enough to make your own decisions and she needs to lay off and give you that opportunity to. She sounds as if she is jealous of your friends simply because she wants to make sure she doesn't lose "control" of you. Get away from her now and eventually she will get over it.

Answer 10

the real thing here is whether your mother's opinion is more important than your boyfriend, i'd wait till he wanted to give me the ring, then get her to like him.good luck i have a controlling mother too. : (