What does a guy mean when he says that I need space?

Question

I've been engaged for over a year to this guy. He lives on the complete opposite side of the country and is constantly accusing me of wanting to be with other guys and stuff like that.. He didn't used to. He didn't start until the end of this summer right after I had come back from a 30 day backpacking trip where I had no communication with him. Ever since then he's been telling me I need space and trying to tell me how I feel and what i want, which he keeps saying is not him. I love him and want to marry him and keep telling him that. I know that part of it is that he doesn't like that i tutor this guy from my college in math. But what does he really mean when he tells me I need space?
I've asked him and he still wants to be with me. He's just always trying to tell me how i feel and what i want (which he says isn't him (not true)). He says he just wants what'll make me happy. but he makes me happy.

Also, he keeps saying that he's going to come visit me soon (meet my family and what not) or that he'll make time for me to go visit him (he's working on his PhD so is always really busy) and meet his family, but somehow things always end up coming up on his end. When I finally told him i'm coming out whether he plans around it or not (last wednesday) he had to go to Europe. And i haven't gotten to talk to him since then.

He's not saying that he needs space, he's saying I'm the one who needs the space.

Every time he says something about how i want to not be with him i DO disagree and tell him that's not true. And backpacking trip he gave me and it wasn't with a guy. It was a group of 8 guys 6 girls and 3 instructors. None of which i knew before the trip

And he went to Europe because of something to do with his PhD and keeping funding by doing work for some government people. He didn't even tell me about Europe until the night before he left. he said he didn't know.

Answer 1

He needs time to himself to do whatever he wants.

Answer 2

Unfortunately, the saying is "Actions speak louder than words." Which, when you stop and think about it, is very true. If he were working on his Phd, what reason would he have to go to Europe, right when you were going to meet up with him. He is probably more insecure than you think and is afraid to confront his own feelings. That backpacking trip must have flustered him and made him think of things that may or may not be true. You want him to trust you and be with you, but you also do not give him assurances, just more doubts. When he makes statements along the lines of you not wanting him, What have you done or said to disprove that other than, "That is not true!"
Truth be told, long distance relationships are difficult at best and nigh impossible to maintain. The distance and the lack of immediate contact is the biggest factor, but it is not always the only factor. Many times someone will have a need for companionship and they will not wish to wait, a strong support center is needed and they look to their environment for gratification of that need.
Are you simply obsessing over someone that will not give you instant gratification? Are you truly longing to be with him regardless of what you might find when you get there? Have you ever thought of what he might be thinking when you go backpacking and tutor someone in college, both of which are with guys? If you have shown no effort to put your life on a hiatus for him, that is exactly what he is thinking. He is not asking you to wait for him and he is affording you the chance to live your life until he returns. If the feelings are still there when he does, then great pursue it then. Having done my doctorate, I am aware of just how much time is needed to gain this and I can assure you that if he is keeping his grades up he has little time for enjoyment of any kind. Depending on what the doctorate is in, will depend on just how much time he even has for himself let alone anyone else.
Bottom line, you are the one that needs to make the choice! You can either assure him that he is what you want or you can cut yourself loose. How you go about it is still entirely your decision.

Answer 3

Gabriella,
I hope that you can step back and look at your situation from the outside. None of us know you, or him, so we can see things that you probably can't. What I see from what you wrote is that you live across the country from the man you are supposed to be marrying, that he is trying to tell YOU what YOU want, but he's doing this because it's what HE wants. You went backpacking. SO WHAT? You are tutoring someone in college, SO WHAT? Are you cheating on him? Have you ever given him any reason to not trust you? If not, then you should run from this relationship, which is what he seems to want, from the way he is acting.

Think of it this way. Would you REALLY, HONESTLY want to marry a man who is so insecure that you can't tutor someone of the opposite sex without them freaking out? That will be your LIFE. Seriously. Men do NOT change their basic ways, even once they are married. If this guy makes you happy, then you don't value yourself enough.

How is it that you are engaged to be married and neither one of you have met the others family? My fiance would never have dreamed of asking me to marry him before he met my mother, father and even some extended family, and especially my closest friends. Your partner's family and friends help you see who they really are, outside of their relationship with you. Why would he not want to meet your family, or not want you to meet his? That seems a little bit shifty to me.

Have respect for yourself. You sound like a smart girl who doesn't value herself enough. That was me five years ago, and I went through an ugly time, with a person who was obviously not right for me, but I wanted to make things work so badly, that I overlooked a lot of things that were staring me in the face! I finally had the courage to move on and to realize the the guy didn't deserve me and that there was something amazing out there waiting for me. Well, I found that amazing thing, and we are getting married in May. He's respectful, encourages me to do the things that make me happy, including returing to school to get my degree. He's not jealous, he doesn't play games and he adores me and I adore him. The way things should be.

Communication is key. Your fiance is not communicating with you at all. No one (man or woman) should endure a partnership where their other half doesn't come right out and say how they feel. Playing games is immature and will not stop with marriage. Believe me, I know.

Move on, find another smart, funny, wonderful man who respects your desire to help people, and enjoys your independence, who isn't insecure and demanding and selfish.

MOVE ON!

Answer 4

From my experience, it means he wants to do things and be with people who are not you. He tries to put it on you (accusing you of wanting to be with other guys) so he can get off the hook. You might think he makes you happy, but are you really happy if your asking about all this?
Try laying it out for him. Tell him that he's the only one you want to be with and if he continues - you deserve to be with someone who believes you. Although, I personally think it's because he wants to move on. Sorry.... I've been there and know how it feels and there is nothing that can be said to make you feel better, just takes time....

Answer 5

It's over. He's giving you excuses and using your actions as an excuse to bail out instead of being a man and telling you the truth. He is a coward. Many people are cowards, that's why they say they will call, then don't. They never intended to call you in the first place. "I'll call you", is an easy way to end the conversation/date (whatever) and get rid of you.

There is no point in arguing with him. Chasing him will only push him further away. It sounds like he has his mind made up.

Answer 6

Caolan is obviously incorrect. only reason a guy says he desires %. doesnt advise he's snoozing with somebody else. He only needs to have a small ruin from the consistent battling. If u decide to artwork on ur relationship then u would desire to locate the full rationalization why there i lots stress. Why do u adult males combat lots? Whats it approximately? and attach it. provide up arguing o lots. If u dont ur relationship would desire to get ruined. meanwhile provide him area and time. enable him come to u.

Answer 7

This doesn't sound too good... Have you ever been out there? By him saying "you need some space" he's really saying..He does, but seems like he is trying to blame it on you....so hes not the bad guy....question..if you can't come out because he is so busy , then how does he have time to go to Europe..have you ever met him? sounds really fishy...proceed with caution...

Answer 8

He's pushing you away. Space and distance are not the same thing. If I'd known the difference 20 years ago, I might still be married to x1. (I subscript my x's, like any good mathematician)

Telling you how you feel is not very much like listening to (or caring) how YOU feel, is it? Let him go.

Answer 9

*** hate to say it but i'm thinkin it's time for u to move on. he's saying he wants to be w/ u but he's showing u that that's not true. I'm thinkin' he's either very insecure, and trying to get you to make him feel better about himself...not your job. and/or he's pushing u away so that he doesn't have to break up w/ u...he's hoping you'll do it FOR him. he's making no effort to be w/ u or have u be w/ him...that speaks volumes!

Answer 10

Sounds like a break up