My daughter had a boyfriend for over a year... now, they've been broken up for about 14 months. Still friends, but a bit awkward sometimes. Anyway, she and one of his friends have started hanging out & 'dating' very quietly. Only one or two of the circle of friends know about it and it's this big deep, dark secret. Honestly, I don't understand the problem. My daughter tells me it will just start too much crap if everyone knows, but she really likes this boy & I have to say, he's a nice guy. Since her ex is the one who broke up with her, and it's been such a long time, I would think it would be no big deal... Opinions?
2006-11-11 15:20:28 · 21 answers · asked by suz_e_q_zee 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
By the way, she is 18 and in college. And, no I'm not really that nosy, but I just think of it as , well --- they're all practically 'adults' here & honestly, how many of us (adults) really spend that much time with our high school friends after high school anyway??
2006-11-11 15:37:17 · update #1
I wish Yahoo answers was on about 9 years ago when I had this problem with my own daughter. But since I had to learn from experience, I'll let you in on the big secret. If you daughter hangs around the same group of friends (year after year), eventually, just about each one of them has dated just about everyone in the group, either secretly or out in the open. It's the way it happens...they just don't go out of "their" circle. When she went on her first date wtih her ex-boyfriend's friend, the ex was upset and wanted to know why she'd do that, so he called her out on it. I remember that day rather vividly. She came home in tears. However, they eventually talked it out, her ex understood and to this day, now that she's in college....she's still "dating" her ex's best friend. They've all remained a close group of friends. He's even dated one of her girlfriends (although alot of time had passed in between that) Kids are growing up fast these days and as they grow, times are changing even faster. If you daughter is mature enough to understand why she chose one over the other (and it wasn't out of spite of convenience), then I say it's okay. This is how our children learn about relationships. And if you ask me, it's like trying on a jeans. Women will try on about ten pairs of jeans just to find the perfect pair that fit the way we want them to. If she doesn't, and she just buys the first pair that she grabs from the rack, she is not only going to be disappointed, but she's going to be wishing that she spent a little more time trying on others to find the perfect pair.
I know that is a weird analogy, but she was my only daughter out of five children. I was over-protective, taught her to take no crap and be very picky about what she wants, what she expects and what she needs from the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with. I know that alot of people tell me I'm insane to think her relationship is going to last, but it's been six years and they have yet to have one arguement. This other boy, truly turned out to be her soulmate and best friend. I can't say this is going to happen for your daughter, but if she really likes him, he is truly a nice guy, she'll never know unless she takes that step. If she doesn't, she'll always have that lingering "what if" question. Tell her to go for it. If she's worried about what the others will think, she needs to understand that true friends do not judge you on who you date. They may have their comments, but they aren't going to hate you for it.
2006-11-11 15:40:12 · answer #1 · answered by Hollynfaith 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, trust me when I tell you that everyone knows!! Seriously, think about it for a second, do you really think that within a circle of friends, they're all keeping quiet? No!!!! what happens is that when we're told "don't say anything" then it just remains a bit more on the down low side where it's not topic of conversation but believe me everyone knows so i guess if your daughter is not disrespecting anyone and the friend and boyfriend are okay, then who cares. Something tells me that there would be controversy or it wouldn't be a secret. It sounds like her current boyfriend needs to have a conversation with the ex just man to man to say "hey man, it's cool". You don't see what the big deal is but that's you, not them and you're not a man. Men have a different code of ethics and we women really need to stop expecting them to feel the way that we feel. (sorry, that's a whole other topic).
2006-11-11 15:27:30 · answer #2 · answered by Dr. Phil-lys 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no i dont think that it is right to date your ex's friends and your daughter is probably right if she goes to a school that is like any typical junior high/high school then it probably will start a buttload of crap.and when u date ur ex's friends u are expected to hang with ur boyfriend and on group dates or social events her ex is probably gonna be there and that is not only gonna be an emotional strain on your daughter but a terrible strain on your daughter' relationship with her ex's friend and with all the stress the could break up and cause her to be depressed.
2006-11-11 15:25:47 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i have dated my friends ex boyfriend a few years ago. it ended up with us not talking for a while.. but we are now good friends again.. just be careful.. if you do.. it was the best decison i made as i have made a great friend in her ex
2014-05-24 23:12:35 · answer #4 · answered by Angel H 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, it probably will start a bunch of crap. Life can never be too challenging or too exciting.
If the other person can't deal with it.. that's their problem.
Smile when you walk by.. it makes people wonder.. and talk. Gossip is great!
2006-11-11 15:23:53 · answer #5 · answered by game buddee 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
tell her not to keep hiding it..theyve been broken up for over a year and they have moved on from each other..so if she and the other friend are becoming an item, i dont think it should matter and they should not care what the others think..especially if you like the boy too.. thats always a good sign..
2006-11-11 15:25:34 · answer #6 · answered by Nikkib 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The only one who would make a big deal about it are her immature friends, if that is the case, then good riddance. You are absolutely correct. If her ex dropped the ball, then he cant get pissed for someone else recovering his fumble.
2006-11-11 15:25:43 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since he broke up with her, maybe - yes if she's interested in retribution.
It will probably end the friendship between the dudes. She shouldn't do it, but more culpability lies with the friend of the ex.
2006-11-11 15:24:20 · answer #8 · answered by FSJD 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
let your daughter and his boy date each other and they seem like they like each other a whole lot and dont stay nothing 2 none of her friends and none of his friends if they dont want the word 2 get out that they are dating each other.
2006-11-11 15:23:45 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
as long as the friend don't mind taking his friends leftovers!! But;
keep in mind that there could be alot of awkward times down the road when the friends get together!
2006-11-11 15:25:24 · answer #10 · answered by Lucky 7 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋