Will someone please tell me some funny jokes?

Question

Im feeling kinda bad right now cause my dog, Rambo died a week ago and I miss him bad. My mom says that I need to laugh so I was wondering if someone could tell me some jokessss. Please?! (=^( )

Answer 1

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time, " said the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."



Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bit**."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bit**?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bit**."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit**."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit**."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit**."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BIT**!!!"



There was a little girl and she HATED sunday school.
She always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked her a question. Christie? Who created the earth? A little bot named Johnny behind her jabbed her with a pencil. Immediatly she shouted " GOD AlMIGHTY!" and she fell back asleep. Again her teacher asked her a question. Christie, who is our savior? and again, Johnny jabbed her in the back. "JESUS CHRIST!" christie shouted. "Good" said the teacher. And again christie fell back asleep. Then, the sunday school teacher asked her Christie? What did Eve say after she had hre 19th child? and again Johnny jabbed her in the back. " DAMN IT! IF YOU JAB THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'M GONNA BREAK IT IN HALF!


hope u had a good laugh

Answer 2

DISREGARD
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that
her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the
steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she
cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says.
"She got in the back-seat by mistake."

So sorry about your pup - try to remember the good times. Also, there is a beautiful poem it is titled "Rainbow Bridge". Someone sent it to me last year when I lost my beloved pet, it brought me comfort, and I hope it brings you comfort as well. God Bless.

Answer 3

I'm really sorry about your puppy. But I got this joke from ebaumsworld.com (they have lots of funny jokes and pictures there, you should try it) and I hope you like it



The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "I'm going to the doctor." She says, "Why, are you sick?" He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says, "Where the hell are you going"? She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He says, "Why, what do you need?" She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

Answer 4

Two little boys want o act like grownups so they decide to start swearing. One boy decides to use the word "hell" and the other boy decides on the word "@ss". The next morning the boys come down for breakfast and the mom asks the first boy "What do you want for breakfast" to which he replies, "What the hell, give me the Cheerios.". Well, the mom grabs him by the neck, pulls him out of his chair as she screams at him and drags him down the hall and throws him into his room. She gets back to the kitchen and asks the other boy, "So what do you want for breakfast?". The little boy says, "You can bet your @ss it ain't Cheerios".

Answer 5

A piece of rope goes into a bar, eels up to the counter, and says, "Could I please have a beer?" The bartender says, "Nope, you're a rope." A second piece of rope comes in, asks for a beer, and is told, "Nope, you're a rope." A third piece of rope sees this, ties himself up at one end, and teases the short bit into a wild poofy 'do. Then he goes into the bar, eels up to the counter, and says, "Can I have a beer, please?" The bartender stares at him and says, "Are you a rope?" The rope says, "No, frayed knot."

Sorry about your dog--hope this helps a little.

Answer 6

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope........just when it's raining."

Answer 7

Pick up line in a bar.....
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.....R.I.P. Rambo!!

Answer 8

I am sooooo sorry! when my dog got attacked my a bunch of cyotes right infront of me i went threw a depresion! But then i put all her toys and stuff in my room and i look at it every day! i also got a new dog! But heres a joke! Your moms so fat i ran around her twice and got lost, and your moms so ugly when your dad threw her out the house he got arrested for littering! [e-mail]

Answer 9

post office came out with a new stamp with a p***y on it. Guys just got confuse, they don't know which side to lick.

Answer 10

Why didn't the orange finish the race?

*Because it ran out of Juice.

*My friend thought this was a funny joke.

Answer 11

hmmm....

Whats the difference between a dead dog and a dead blonde in the road?


Theres skidmarks in front of the dog :P
Hope it helps and sorry about your dog :(