Please help I am in agony...I cry almost everyday?

Question

I have been married for 9 years. I was never in love with him to begin with. but thats a whole nother issue...bascially we argue a lot and I have zero sexual attraction to him, and he knows it. Sometimes we can really get along as friends and we we also have a beautiful 7 year old daughter together. I would have been divorced by now were it not for her. I met a man 4 years ago and i have been madly in love with him ever since. We had an affair together and I tried to break it off several times but everytime, I would find myself crying over him because I really do love him. Currently, i broke it off with him, but my heart is DYING. Is leaving my husband the wrong or the right thing to do?is it me being selfish? should I just stay married and tuff it out? WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO? follow my heart and hurt a lot of people including and most important- my daughter? or do I proceed with my broken marriage and give up love? I cry about this every day almost. I want to be honest

Answer 1

I am so sorry you are feeling all this pain right now. I know how you feel. You have some tough decisions ahead of yourself.

Be honest with yourself. Your marriage will never get better if you continue to see the man you love. And your relationship with that man will never grow if you are married.

So you need to make a change. Base your decision on many factors:

Are you able to support yourself financially?

Do you have any idea how much child support you would get?

Would you rather be alone than in your marriage? The reason I ask that is many times when a married person gets divorced for another man or woman, as soon as the divorce is over, that other man (in your case) gets afraid that they will be expected to commit to too much and they will desert the relationship.

So if you leave your husband, your marriage, your family as you know it, you need to be prepared to be alone and not count on your guy to hang around for you. He just might be a keeper and he might be wanting to spend the rest of his life with you but you will not know until you get divorced.

Whatever you do, if you do leave your husband, do a little snooping first and make sure you know of all of his assets. Know how much money he makes a year, know as much as you can. Also, lay low with the BF for now. Don't admit or discuss the relationship with friends and cool it with the face to face visits. You do not want your husband finding out about him. And you don't want any divorce atty. finding out about him...nor a judge obviously.

After the divorce is many months underway, it would be safe to start casually "dating" your boyfriend. Going out to dinner and a movie...sharing a picnic. Wait at least 6 months after you start dating him publically to introduce him to your daughter. Don't have him sleep over with her there, don't spend all your time with him....make sure you don't neglect your own life with your daughter to spend time with him.

As for how in love you feel, chances are that wil wane as you spend more time together and he becomes more of a normal guy. Right now he is forbidden fruit and that makes him much more desirable.

If you decide to stay with your husband, never ever admit the affair. You are feeling guilty and wanting to rid yourself of the guilt. But don't admit it to him. It will kill him and make him feel terrible. There will be months or years of regaining his trust. It really complicates things.

If you do want to stay, perhaps find a counselor for yourself first and work on YOU. Then maybe do couples therapy. If he is willing to try therapy, you might have a chance to once again feel attracted to him. That would make you, him and your daughter happy. Because a kid who has loving parents, feels more loved, is more loving and is better prepared to give and receive wholesome love as an adult.

Personally, I think the marriage deserves a chance. But if you are through, you are through. Just be cautious during the divorce.

Good luck. I really feel for you right now.

*****I think a 7 year old is much too young for the truth about "following your heart" or adult romance or love. She just needs time with both parents during the divorce and she needs not to be ripped between two homes all the time. She is too little to worry about or hear about the details of why you left or why you are in love with someone else. Do yourself and her the big favor of taking it slow with the new guy. Maybe only see him after a long period of time, during the times she is with her daddy? Kids are not our peers. They do not understand our actions or thoughts and 7 is not a good age to start being brutally honest about this type of subject.

Answer 2

There must have been something there for you to marry the guy. Running to the arms of another is never the answer. Did you talk to your husband about how you feel? By the way - He can divorce you because you strayed from the marriage. Did he stray ? What do you argue about ? Is it "real" or just for the sake of arguing. Get counsel ling. Talk to your husband... see if he wants to work on getting it back to a "healthy" marriage. Staying together for the children's sake is never a good enough reason. The kids end up suffering... .believe me... I know.

Answer 3

I'll give you the same advice I gave to a friend in this situation. How would you feel or explain your seeing another man to your daughter. Better yet, how could you justify telling her what to do when she got older. Control yourself as long as you are married. A lot of people, more than you would guess, do not have sex in their marriage, if you can accept your husband as your bf, then that is something for you to think about.

Answer 4

Sorry for your sadness, but I think the best thing for you is to leave him. If your not happy why stay, because of your daughter??? I am sure you daughter can look at you and know that you are not happy. Life is short. Leave him on good terms and take it slow with the other guy. You don't want to jump into something so soon. Make sure your daughter is able to see her father. Good luck. I think you would be a lot happier if you were to leave and I think you know that, but just to scared.

Answer 5

if you argue all the time you are just showing your daughter this is normal behavior within a relationship,,it would seem that neither you or him actually want to make 'that' decision but who is it helping,,you could both be with someone who cares for you as a partner,, where you could both be happy but apart,,it isnt an ideal thing to do,,split up when you have kids but what else can you and he do if you both know its over?you would be better parents to end it and respect each others desire to be happy than stay together and gradually resent each other.time for a sit down with some honest speaking,,you both know you have tried,,you both know the most important person in all this is your girl,,you both understand it is a horrible situation to find yourself in but it doesnt make it go away if you both ignore it,,you will end up being complacent to each others feelings,,showing your daughter disrespect within a relationship is ok,,either of you could end up meeting someone else and causing more upset because you know you dont have that kind of love but should have been respected enough to at least be told of this meeting of another,,you could end up lying to one another about who you were with and where you have been,,is it worth it when at the minute none of this has happened and you can talk openly about your feelings. it is scary,,many of us have been there but ,as they say,,tomorrow is another day and who knows what or indeed who it will bring.

Answer 6

I think that it would be in the best interest of your daughter to stay with your husband. It seems silly that you would marry your husband even though you were never in love with him, unless you did so simply because you were pregnant with your daughter.

Answer 7

Do not leave him... You cou;ld divorce... Just make sure your daughter is going to get equal time with both of you. I hated the fact that my parents divorced, but it got worse when I moved 8 hours away from my dad.

Answer 8

Honestly I believe you are hurting yourself badly because everyone deserves love. You have led on a man that you don't love for so many years. That isn't fair to him even if he is in love with you. It would be hard on your daughter to go through her parents divorcing, but me and almost all my friends and family on both sides have been through it at one point in our lives. My fiancee' has been through it. I have been through it twice. If you doo go through with it, explain to your daughter now and anytime she ever has questions. Be there for her emotionally and support her hurt and depression about it.

Answer 9

Just be true to yourself and follow the man you love just explain it to your daughter and tell your husband that you just want to be friends.

Answer 10

You need to find happiness for yourself. If you don't it will affect your child later on also. You know what you need to do. So do it. Go for your true love and be happy.