HELP!! I am at my wits end with my 9 year old daughter?

Question

I am having issues with my daughter. She has thing about lying about everything...and I do mean EVERYTHING. I've talked to her calmly about how it hurts me when she lies and that it makes it harder to believe her when she is actually telling the truth. I got a phone call from the teacher just the other day about her lying about her homework. I have tried grounding her, taking away priveleges and when nothing else seemed to work, I spanked her. But its like its not sinking in. What am I doing wrong?? Could there be something going on in her brain and maybe she just doesn't realize she's lying anymore?? I feel like such a failure....

Answer 1

This is very serious and should be addresses now because at age 9 children do know truth from fiction (scientist say children know when they are lying around age 4). Punishing your daughter is probably not going to help her sort out the problem she is having; Your daughter needs some professional help. You can discuss the problem with her teacher and ask if the teacher or school counselor know how your should go about helping your daughter. The school probably has a psychologist who can help your daughter. There are plenty of low cost mental health programs in most states. If you do not get to the root of the problem and take steps to alleviate the help your daughter; then you daughter may be in for a life of problems.

You do not mention anything concerning problems in your home, recent difficulties in the family or reactions your daughter may be having to stresses she cannot handle; there is a reason she has turned to this alarming way of getting attention or trying to fit in with your ideals.

http://www.parentkidsright.com/pt-lying-olderkids.html
http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1175/is_n7-8_v23/ai_7983853
http://www.notmykid.org/parentArticles/Lying/

Answer 2

You are not a failure. I have a 13 year old son that I have the same issue with. Nothing seems to work. I have just started with a new punishment that I call the rule of 8. He has to take 8 seconds to think before he answers me. And if he lies he stands in the corner for 8 hours. He has lied once since and he had a really sad weekend day when he had to get up on Saturday as if it were a school day and stand for 8 hours in the corner. I don't know if this is going to help but I, like you do not know what else to do. I will be watching the answers that you get.

Answer 3

Im having the same problem with my 9 year old daughter. She is disrespectful, arguemenetive, snotty, lies to me all the time, her attitude is out of control with fits about everything that is not her way.. But I do spend time with her, she helps me work on our race car project, I built her her own Fire pit for her bday last week, we go on almost weekly road trips to the mountains and surrounding cities so we can go to the malls together. We are always doing something together but it does not help. Ive recently given her more freedoms such as her own cell phone, a bike to ride back and fourth to school, she even has a Handmade bunkbed that was custom made by me and her so she could have room for sleepovers in her room. I take some of these things away when she is bad but nothing helps. My wife is at her wits end as well. No I dont need a parenting class, I also have two sons who most of the time are very well behaved but are wanting to copy their big sister because her acting out has become a constant.. I have tried sitting her down and talking it through with her several times but she has a need to argue and literally call me a liar when im simply trying to help her figure a better way to deal with the issue at hand. Any help is appreciated Thank You Dennis.

Answer 4

You have to think back to the years when ever you were nine years old. You were a little know it all, who thought you knew everything & could get away with basically everything. But since "your" the parent in this situation you have to take a stand for your daughters sake! You have to let her know that your not going to let her get away with treating you like this, but give it time this stage will probablly just pass over. 9 years old is the changing point in many kids life, they think they know it all, and then they find out that they hardly know anything at all.! But make sure you let your daughter know that your not goin to have her lying to you 24/7. because you have to be a parent. & you want to raise your daughter to be a good kid & not lie all the time. So just think of punishingyour daughter in a way that would effect her the most. because if every time she les you take away something that she likes to do then she is going to reaslise that she doesn't need to lie anymore! So take this into consideration. Because you ARE holding your daughters future in your own hands here.

good luck

Answer 5

TC is right. Lying is just what kids do. This doesn't make it acceptable behavior, but having this knowledge makes it easier to deal with. It always cracks me up when a parent tells me, "MY child doesn't lie."

I have a student in my class this year who lies out of necessity. This student has a very complicated family life (of which I obviously won't go into), and lying is what this student does to gain a sense of control where there otherwise is none. When it became a problem at school, I asked for advice here on Answers. The best advice I got was to simply let the student know when I thought he/she wasn't being honest and give a consistent consequence. I was at first trying to be a bleeding heart and make connections with the student so the student could trust me enough to tell the truth- that wasn't working. It might not work for you either.

I give the student a chance to think about the answer the student wants to give first. Try this with your daughter. It may backfire and give her more time to think of a better lie, but chances are she'll soon realize the benefits of just fessing up.

For my student, I also started a behavior contract. It is the only time it's ever worked for a student. I saw dramatic improvements in this student's behavior, especially regarding lying. I came up with 3 behaviors I expected from the student at all times (being honest, showing respect to peers, showing respect to adults). After each class period (there are 2), the student would come up to me with the behavior contract and I would initial each behavior if I felt the behavior was met during that class. If the student had a day in which each behavior was met for each period, the student was awarded 5 minutes on the computer to work on a story (the reward can change to meet a desire for your daughter). If the student had a week in which the behaviors were met 80% of the time (8 out of 10 class periods), the student was given the reward of visiting ANY class in the school and reading the story to that class. The contract worked extremely well, and it might be something you ask your daughter's teacher to try at school.

The other thing that worked for me and this student was my calm demeanor when the student was caught lying. I would simply say, "I don't believe that's what really happened," give the student a consequence, and move on. I stopped making a big deal out of it and acted as if they lying affected me in no way whatsoever. Lying, in addition to getting out of trouble, is a way to get attention. If the attention isn't given and there are no other benefits to it, eventually the lying gets old.

You asked if it's possible that she doesn't realize she's lying- I've met plenty of people in my life in which that could definitely be applied to them- they start to believe their own lies because they're so used to resorting to lying. It doesn't HAVE to be this way. With my student, lying really was the first response, even for really stupid things where lying wasn't necessary. This has since changed. Give your daughter time to respond, give her positive reinforcement for when she's truthful, and explain to her in a matter of fact manner that you don't believe her when she lies. Keep your tone and your actions consistent. Good luck!

Answer 6

Don't worry, everything will be fine, rainbows always come after rain. She is just experiencing life. She is a free spirit. just love her!

Ok , got that out of my system! When you see that type of advice, you know you are talking with an Idiot!

9 year olds lie, that is what they do. They have figured out if they admit wrong, they are in trouble. Their intellect isn't advanced enough to realize they are getting into more trouble by lieing. Kids are selfish (as a rule). We trained them to be. anything they did as babies was cute, the world revolved around them. They could do no wrong! Now we make demands of them, do your home work, change your clothes, make your bed, eat you food, clean your room, go to school, go to bed.
Please don't let your emotions be affected. You are diffinetly not a failure. Just keep enforcing the rules about proper behavoir, and the need to be able to trust her. Don't cut her any slack when she is caught lying. Be frank with the school and ask for them to help you help her. If you don't go to church, start. especially Sundy School for her. Some other adult will be pushing honesty, not just you. If you do go to Church, then start praying with her at bed time, asking forgiveness for the "wrong" things done, etc. She might not ever change! But, it won't be the end of the world. Think of recent Presidents who knowingly lied to the American people. Liars are not always losers, but sometimes parents are. Good luck, and keep trying

Answer 7

Talk to her about trust. Tell her you can't trust her at all - and I do mean, AT ALL. Tell her how lying has hurt your trust. We went through this with our nine year old just a few months ago and it seems to have worked when all else failed.

Talk to her about the need to be responsible and tell on herself and since she doesn't, you can't trust her in anything. Then, as soon as there is something she wants to do, like going to her bedroom to play, going out to play with friends, doing anything without you completely hovering over her, tell her very calmly, "Oh, I'm really sorry. I can't trust you to do that because you lie." You will likely find many tears being shed and it will take at least a good solid week of repeating this over and over until you see visible change that she is telling on herself more consistently. Stick to it and very, very, slowly, the next week give back trust and tell her that you are going to try to trust her but you are waiting to see if you can.

Answer 8

This may sound odd but try lying to her. One day tell her you are going to her favourite place. Or tell her you are going to buy her the thing she wants most. Then later say oh sorry i was just lying when she feels hurt by it maybe that will sink in. I dont know if it will help but you can try it.

She could also be lying for attention, maybe she is not getting enough attention for the good things she does.

Here ck out this website it maybe of some help: http://webhome.idirect.com/~readon/lies.html

Answer 9

I am a 'preacher's kid'. When I was about your daughters age, I also lied about alot of things. My parents had me write off Bible verses, confront the person I lied to and appology, set on the couch while they talked to me for hours until I finally admitted to telling the truth.

However, the things that hit home with me was when they read the scripture...that ALL liers would have THEIR place in HELL...and if I was going to believe in a Heaven where good folks go, then I also had to believe in a Hell where bad folks go. I couldn't choose one and not the other.

They taught me that GOD kept a record on EVERY WORD that I said that day and HE didn't make mistakes. And that one day, I was going to have to stand before HIM all by myself and give account for every word that I had said, whether it be truth...a lie...kindness...or meanness...whether I was a friend...or a bully. I was going to be GRADED on my life and that I'd better have a 100% if I wanted to live in Heaven.

I DID! So I stopped lying!!

Also, I'm 55 years old now, both my parents are still living and never ONE time have I ever caught them in a lie. They lived a good example in front of me.

Answer 10

sometimes grounding doesnt help unless you take away their favorite whatever for days and standing in a corner for eight hours is abuse. you have a nine year old punishment is not hard i have had 5 3 of them where boys and yes two of them where girls. i took away barbie i took away football made them stay in their rooms all day the only time i let them out was the bathroom they even ate their dinner in their rooms that theraphy stuff dont work they can go in there and lie too.sometimes their lies do become real to them.if you start something stick to it even if she tells you she hates you she is only 9 she will grow out of it my daughter had a problem standing up straight the other had a problem wetting the bed it took me less then 6 months to clear up those issues. find some thing that works i am telling you ,you can stop that just think about it and stick to it.