Is it wrong to not let my mother-in-law babysit my 5 month old daughter?

Question

My mother-in-law is an alcoholic but refuses to admit it. I know my father-in-law and sister-in-law will be there to help out and keep an eye out but I'm still very uncomfortable with the idea. She has never stepped foot in my house sober...which is why they don't come over anymore and she's rarely sober whenever we come to see them. I've seen her drunk around my daughter and I'm quick to take her away cause some of the things she has done scare me. She insists she's not drunk when she is, and she does it when we we're there, so why would it be different if we weren't there?? She swears to us she won't drink while she's babysitting but I just don't think I can trust her. She'll say things one day and then the next it's completely different. She's mad and hurt that we haven't let her yet and I am starting to feel bad about it. Am I right for being worried and not wanting her to babysit or is it something I need to learn to get over? This is our first child/her first grandchild.

We've had several fights about this with her while I was pregnant warning her. We don't keep alcohol in my house because she and my brother are alcoholics and we don't want them drinking around the baby at our house at least. My husband has been trying to convince me to let her watch her with his dad and his dad will keep close watch and if his mom winds up drinking then she'll never watch her again until she gets help and quits drinking. I think it's an good idea to test her out but at the same time I really don't want to do it and I just know I'll call every 5 minutes to check up on them.

We tried an intervention when I was pregnant with his dad and two sisters and she broke down crying "Why do you all hate me so much?" The therapist told her she needed to calm down among other things and since she didn't like what the therapist had to say she walked out. The thing that kills me is his dad is a recovered AA for over 15 years now...I don't see how he puts up with it.

Answer 1

The Order is speaking to you if you will only listen to it. It is telling you that it IS dangerous and it IS unwise for you to allow this. Sometimes we must be firm, yet not without feeling. Offer her the chance to be with her grandchild under your supervision.

If you wish to speak further upon this matter you may msg me anytime.

Master Amara

Answer 2

I grew up in an alcoholic household. I can tell you that I am sure your FIL will take good care of the baby, BUT having grown up with that atmosphere, this is your husband's normal, and therefore he doesn't see what the big deal is. Your MIL has a sickness she is unwilling to do something about. Don't let her take responsibility for your child until you are sure she has recovered from her illness and is capable of giving her the kind of care you expect her to have while she is there. If nothing else, the child should not be exposed to the dysfunctional atmosphere.
Reiterate to your MIL that until she stops drinking, the baby will not be allowed to spend the night. End of story. Maybe it will give her what she needs to get help. Your child's welfare comes before the feelings of anyone. Always remember that. You are right to do what you are doing.

Answer 3

Absolutely do not leave your child with this woman. If she weren't your mother-in-law, you wouldn't even consider it, right?
If you need a good babysitter, many communities have referral services for parents looking for providers, and there are excellent -- and licensed -- providers out there who will take excellent care of your daughter. And if you just need a night out, you have a number of options: A trusted (sober) adult friend, an experienced high school or college student who's been through whatever babysitting classes are offered in your community (do a long interview first, and watch his or her interaction with your daughter), and some churches will offer free childcare on Friday nights -- even if you're not a member.
Be straight with your mother-in-law about the decision you're making. And if she pitches a fit, just walk away. This isn't about her. It's about your child's safety and well-being.
And this doesn't mean your child can't have a relationship with her grandmother. ... It just means that Grandma won't be babysitting.
Make sure you have a long talk about this with your husband, too. He needs to back you up.

Answer 4

Well it's about time that she got Clean and Sober, and what better reason, then to enjoy her very First grandchild. Tell her and Don't Back Down, that until she gets herself in AA, that the only contact with her grandchild will be IN YOUR PRESENCE. Do not let her babysit .. I would Not Trust Her. It only takes a moment for a child to be injured, and a drunken mother-in-law is just the moment it will happen and You will never forgive yourself. Hold your ground - You are absolutely correct in your assessment. Your a Good Mother... your husband must be Very proud of you. I am.

Answer 5

I was not keen on using babysitters even family when my son was very young even now at 5 (although I am divorced) I can count on both hands how many times my son has slept over, or been babysat by someone, I have have split custody, but even his father rarely uses anyone. Honestly my son does not like to be at my ex MILs house without either my ex or his sister, and refuses to sleep over, my ex MIL has just dropped the issue, in my case its not her, she is very loving doesnt drink at all, but son swears on his life that the house is haunted and there are ghosts there, although I believe its more of a need to be with either mommy or daddy because it has always been that way.

I am with you, if she is a heavy drinker there is no way I would allow it, I wouldnt throw it in her face, just tell her you really dont have a reason to have a sitter and leave it at that, if you do get a sitter she doesnt need to know. As long as you still visit and one of you is there you at least have control of the situation.

Answer 6

HELL NO!!!
IF MY MOTHER IN LAW WAS DRUNK, I WOULDN'T LET HER WATCH MY CHILD EITHER!! DON'T FEEL BAD. SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO WATCH YOUR CHILD IF SHE CAN'T STAY SOBER. IT'S HER FAULT SHE'S CHOOSING LIQUOR OVER HER GRANDCHILD. THAT ISN'T YOUR PROBLEM. IT'S HERS. AND UNTIL SHE LEARNS TO ADMIT HER ADDICTION AND STAY SOBER, I WOULDN'T LET HER BABYSIT. AND I WOULD TELL HER THAT. SOME PEOPLE JUST DON'T KNOW WHEN TO STOP.
MY UNCLE IS THE SAME WAY. HE'S BEEN AN ALCOHOLIC FOR YEARS. MY COUSIN JUST HAD A BABY IN SEPTEMBER. SHE TOLD HIM THAT SHE WOULDN'T BRING THE BABY AROUND IF HE WAS DRUNK. HE STARTED CRYING. IT'S HIS FIRST GRANDCHILD. BUT YET HE'S STILL OUT DRINKING IN THE BARS!! SO, I UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM.
DON'T LET HER MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY. YOU ARE ONLY DOING WHAT'S BEST FOR THE WELFARE OF YOUR CHILD.I HOPE THIS HELPED.

Answer 7

It sad that she will not admit she has a problem. And it's sad that she's always so drunk that she can't enjoy her grand daughter. I have to agree with you, u shouldn't allow ur child to be exposed to her as long as she's alays drunk.

The family should get her some help because she is gonna die if she doesn't get the help she needs.

But if u feel this down in ur bones that you don't want u child around her then u shouldn't and if she's upset ove this then u and ur husband can tell her that she until she gets the help she needs then u can't allow the child to be around her because u feel it's best that the child is not exposed to her while she's drunk.

If she wants it bad enough she will go for help
Ur right not to trust her around ur child. If she realy really want to have times with her grand child then she will get the help she needs

Answer 8

You are justified in your feelings, you have every right to protect your child. Your mother-in-law is not going to admit she is an alcoholic until she hits rock bottom. Have you tried to talk to your family about the situation and let them know that until she gets some help she will not be welcome around your child. They may become angry with you, but right now all they are doing is enabling her. She has no consequence for her actions and it sounds like your father-in-law and sister-in-law are just covering for her. There are support groups out there for them and for you, look into your local Alanon or AA program. These organizations are a great help for the family. Good luck with your decision.

Answer 9

No, it's not wrong for you not to leave your daughter with an alcoholic... grandparent or not! It doesn't matter who else if going to be around. Maybe this will be the catalyst that makes her realize that she needs help in order to be a complete part of her granddaughter's life. If not, it sounds like you've done everything you and your family can to get her the help she needs. Your first priority is to ensure the safety of your daughter so by limiting her exposure to her grandmother, you are doing so. She may not understand this until she's much older but one day she will.

Good luck!

Answer 10

I'm sorry you are having this problem, but do not let your mother-in-law babysit. An alcoholic believes what they are saying at the time they are saying it, but the call of the bottle is too much for them to resist. Her intentions may be good, but it just like a drug user they have no self control. You can feel bad about her not babysitting, but your first priority is to protect and care for your infant.

Answer 11

NO--it's not wrong of you to not let her. It is YOUR child. A life--especially your child, who is a defenceless human being, is not to be gambled with. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! Your intuition is telling you it's not a good idea BECAUSE it isn't and no matter what--you will always have the last say. You're a mother, act like a grown woman because your child deserves it. If you were completely defenceless would you trust to be under her alcoholic/irresponsible care? I wouldn't. Good luck and take care of that baby!