Connect with estranged father?

Question

I'll try to summarize best I can:

I was raised by a single mother, after she broke it off with my father (I was about 3 years old). He was irresponsible, careless, and abusive (I witnessed abuse firsthand), and an all but pathological liar. Between the age of 5 and today (I am now 21), I have seen him 4 times, and received just as few pieces of communication. When I was 13, I wrote to him, telling him that I was finished, didn't trust him, and didn't want him to try to contact me in the future (even though he hadn't in 4 years at that point). The last time I saw him was three years ago when I went to his father's funeral. It was a tense meeting, many a tear shed. I made it clear that I wanted nothing to do with him, that he had lost any and all trust I'd ever afforded him. He apologized, wanted us to try again, etc. I refused, told him he had to earn any such relationship. He called a month later, and that was it. Now... (see below)

...I am reaching the point in my life where I am close to beginning a family. I am engaged to a man I love, with whom I plan to have children in the future...and perhaps it is for this reason that I want strong connections in my life. My mother is amazing, she is the strongest person I know, and I would never have wanted to be raised by anone else. Still, all my life, I have longed for a solid relationship with my father. Three years ago, I rejected an opportunity to work through my hurt and anger with my father, and perhaps for the better; I don't think I was in the right headspace to handle such things then. But now... I'm wondering if I want to try. Part of me obviously does, but the other part sees no reason to look back. I guess I'm looking for input from anyone who has been through a similar situation. What did you do? What *would* you do? Any advice? Feel free to IM me if you want to go into lots of detail. Thank you.

Sorry to add more details (this is long enough already).. the matter of anger is rather non-existant by this point... I was finished with being pissed by the age of 16. I should also point out that last I knew, he was living in Penn. (I'm in Michigan). I don't worry about his peace of mind--he has enough children to worry about--I'm thinking of this as a matter of my interests. Should he be the one to make a connection? Certainly. No doubt. But I've always been the type to take the initiative, as 'twere, in life.

I'm not looking to be his little girl. I'd simply like to have an adult relationship, or at least understanding, with the man who is my father, biologically, anyway. I want that for my children to be. I just wonder if I shoud except it as too late.

Answer 1

I think you should. People change and you should give him a chance. Also, you have been carrying so much anger around. You don't need that.

Answer 2

Are you doing this for your best interest or his??
I looked back at all the times i wanted to have the father loved daughter times when i did everything i could to just find my father.
See some kind of resembalance ask questions. Walk me down the isle at my wedding.I stopped when i relized that if my father had actually givin two iotas about me he would have found me by now I belive god is my only father and you know what he loves me unconditonaly . you would be happier with life if you forgive and let go.yes what he did was not right,but continuing to hold on to your anger will do no good for either one of you.

Answer 3

My husband is more than 20 years older than you and has very similar issues with his father. Not exactly the same circumstances, but the situation is similar.

If you decide to make some kind of a connection with your father, you should be very clear in your own mind about how much of a relationship you want to have with him. It's possible to maintain ties with people but not have them be an intimate part of your life. That being said, you could offer him input into what kind of a relationship the two of you will establish.

If he wants to be a bigger part of your life than you are comfortable with, and can't just (for example) meet for coffee with you once a month (if that's what you decide you want to do and are able to do), then he'll have to learn not to be so all-or-nothing. Until he does, don't let his manipulativeness push you anywhere. You need to be able to have a relationship with him on YOUR terms (but you don't need to tell it to him so bluntly). He may have terms too, but you don't have to compromise anything you're not willing to, just because he might want you to think he's trying for you.

I hope this helps! There's a book called Boundaries (I don't know the author but you could probably find it without).

There are other books about how YOU have the right to establish the rules in your relationships just as much as others do, and if you're not comfortable with their rules, you don't have to go along with them just because they've done a little for you.

A bit of counselling might really help you to sort out how to approach this situation in a self-preserving way. Prayer helps too!

Answer 4

You have made your point. It is too late. My father was the same way. When I was a child, he would come around every three or four years, but only if someone else contacted him first. As an adult I tried to continue with out luck. It has been about ten years now. I contact the rest of his family. Noone even knows where he is.

Answer 5

No matter what you need to look out for you and your best interests! Your dad doesn't seem like the kinda of person that really cares for anyone but himself. It is completely up to you whether or not you'd like to try and connect with him once again. You can give it a try and if it doesn't work you can make it a point to not have him in your life anymore. Hope this helps!! Good Luck!

Answer 6

ok, i understand what ur going or hv gone through,, its a gd thing that u went for his father funeral,, but after all end of the day u know what have happende while u were growing when u needed parents love..... u have made the right choice and i will support ur choice n no one can change that.

Answer 7

Forgive, Forgive, Forgive, Love, Love, Love
Don't waist any more time being mad. Life is too short.
Do you love God? Well God is Love.

Who doesn't want to be daddy's lit tel girl?
I know that you are a beautiful person and obviously and survivor.
You will be just fine. After you forgive. Let go , but Let God fight that battle. Love ya and God Bless.

Answer 8

My suggestion would be to start out as an acquantance, like someone you knew years ago. Dinner, movie, mall, talks, see how things go. Tell him this 'friendship' is tenative to his honesty. If he starts lieing, cut him loose, he may be your father, but he's not your dad. That is an earned title.

Answer 9

eh ok,,are you thinking you should give him another chance?..within out lifetimes we make decisions taht arrnt good..i thnk everyone deserves a chance to redeem themselves and do right..so why not..i havent seen my dad is three years..and im resentful..but i guess if he wanted to make things right between us, i would give him another chance..just because im a fair person and even though he hurt me and im soo pissed off at him..i wouldnt like to live with that hatred cloud over my head...good luck

Answer 10

How does he earn the relationship when he doesn't see you?