Help. My 23 year old daughter is sucking the life out of me.?

Question

My 23 year old daughter is a mess. She has three children, ages 5, 22 months, and 7 months. One father for the first two, and a different father for the last one. She does not have custody of the two older boys due to some trouble she got into with the new boyfriend, daddy of #3,who is now incarcerated. Daddy of #1 and #2 keeps them.

My daughter cannot drive because she lost her license. She does not keep a job, being half supported by the boyfriend's great-great-grandmother. I have been told she has a disorder called "oppositional defiant".

We live in the same town. She calls me almost every day needing something. Be it money, for me to take her some where, for me to watch one of the children, etc.

I have been told she will go through life using people up until they have had enough, then she will move on the the next. My problem is, being her mother, I am guilt ridden when I refuse her requests. Then I sit and worry about the children. Advice would be appreciated.

Answer 1

I am not a mother, but one thing I do know understanding how people can be an imposition on you (I had family do this to me and my folks when I was growing up for a period of time)...you have to cut the cord. You have to put your foot down and not allow your feelings for her as your daughter get in the way. Your love has to be tough enough for her to get the message that she cannot keep running to mommy to fix everything. She has three children and honestly at a very young age. She is a mother, and in order for thos children to see any kind of maturity example in thier lives so they do not repeat bad behavior patterns down the road themselves, your daughter needs an example of a mother who cares and loves strongly enough to let her figure it out on her own. Let her fall on her behind so many times, and eventually she will figure it out. If she falls and she really finds a negative way out, then I would intervene...but other than that, let her fall. Let her make mistakes, let her go without money. If she whines she has nothing to feed her child, let her figure it out. Do not let guilt keep you in a situation where she cannot figure out how to be a mature mother that she needs to be. Down the road you will not be there for her by nature alone...she needs to be able to figure out her life for herself. Again, we had to do this for some family awhile ago...and they are doing just fine.

Answer 2

First of all, YOU NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR CHILDREN NO MATTER HOW OLD THEY ARE OR WHAT THEY HAVE DONE; I just want to make sure that much is clear. Secondly, don't treat her like she is a disorder... most of that psycho babble is just theory to begin with... my family has been through the wringer with therapists before and they usually make things worse; there are a few that care though. Third, I think it's important to let your daughter know how you feel... but when you speak to her, don't disrespect her as a person... if she is disrespectful to you... don't take it, just explain how it hurts you and that what she does to you is wrong and then walk away before tempers flare.
I think it is alright to help her with her basic needs, because after all, she still is young and has made alot of mistakes that will take her some time to make right, plus she doesn't have a car... and let me tell you, I don't have a car and it is pretty much impossible to find a job when you take the bus... even when you are trying... but you both are still family and family help each other... just don't pay for the stuff that isn't vital!!
She just needs to know that someone will still love her when she messes up... maybe she will come around if she feels like you won't give up on her... she may thrive to make you proud?! When was the last time you told her that you loved her and nothing else... no if, ands, buts about it?
Hope everything works out!! God bless you and your daughter!! (8o}

Answer 3

Lay down the law. By giving into her requests, you are not helping her problems.

When she calls for rides: tell her to take the bus or to walk.

When she calls for money: ask if it is something for the baby and if it is, find out what it is and go buy it -- do not just give her money. If she wants something for herself, then she will need to get a job.

When she calls for you to watch the baby: well, this depends. If you say no, will she leave the baby alone? If yes, then take the baby. If not, then at least half of the time tell her that you have plans and cannot take the baby.

Look into places where she can get help for her disorder. Many places offer discounted or free care. Mental illness, while understandable, is not a total excuse.

It sounds harsh, but in order to change, your daughter is going to have to hit rock bottom. As long as you give into her, she will not get there, and she will drag you down as well.

Answer 4

This sounds like a very tough situation.

There are, no doubt, a number of factors that have played into your daughter becoming what she has become.

What is for certain is that your having no boundaries, your caving into her manipulative demands, your feeling guilty for saying "No" can not be good for anyone.

You have to accept that your daughter is an adult and so are you. You have a right to say no to her. Your guilt is a handle she can grab to turn you whichever way she wants. That's probably the first thing that's got to stop.

If you are concerned about the welfare of her children, call social services or an attorney to see what can be done.

Answer 5

Bless your heart, you are in such a difficult position. I can relate as I have had similar experiences as a mother. It is almost impossible to say no when it involves the well-being of a grandchild, after all, they didn't ask to be born into that mess. And we keep hoping against hope that, by some miracle, she will somehow change and become the responsible adult we always hoped for.

As hard as it is, it's time for a little tough love. (Check websites below.) My husband helps me with this and guides me in when to say no. Sometimes the answer has to be no. I don't give her money for food, but welcome her and the children to come over to eat whenever they like. When it's hard to do, think of it this way...you are not going to live forever...who will fill in the gaps when you are gone? If somehow she isn't forced into doing it for herself sometimes, how will she know what she can really handle on her own?

You could try giving her ideas if she wants them, but sometimes avoid the temptation of doing so much to rescue her. I know, because I have been a great rescuer. To my surprise, when I say no, somehow she survives!

Be strong. Pray lots. I believe we all have guardian angels. Your grandchildren's guardian angels protect them. If things are really risky for them, consider calling child welfare. It may not be the best system, but it may beat other risks they are exposed to. Or, if you are up to it, ask her to give you temporary custody and take care of them yourself.

I will be praying for you, your daughter, and her babies.

Answer 6

What happened to holding people accountable for their actions? Why is it that everyone that is a pain in the butt has some kind of "disorder" be it Add, Adhd, oppositional? I know you love her and are concerned about your grandchildren...but you need to step up and tell your daughter to grow up and get real. She needs to be responsible for her actions and inactions...not you. Quit with the guilt...she will "suck the life" out of you if you don't! If she doesn't change soon, she never will and you might as well let her move in and take over....Good luck

Answer 7

You need to help her to understand that she has to assume at least some responsibility. Tell her that she needs to do things on her own and that you can't do everything for her. If she still asks you to do favors that she is more than capable of doing too often, start to say no, unless the children's best interest is a stake. You can still help out with the children but let her know that she is their mother and needs to be a part of their lives.

Answer 8

You can help the children but it's time to cut the apron strings...otherwise you don't force her to be responsible.
Why are you guilt ridden if you provided for her until she
reached the age of majority? The obligation ends there.
Children today are hanging on longer and longer and
expecting more and more from their extorted parents and
this will go on until you put a stop to it. Don't be a victim...
be a motivator.

Answer 9

Don't be her enabler. Oppositional defiant is not a disorder. She can change if she really wanted to,it's easier for her to use people. My uncle use to be the same way until his mom stopped helping him. He lives in a another state now,has his own truck and a job. Put the answering machine on and don't pick up when it is her.

Answer 10

sounds like she needs some touch love. yes she will keep moving on to people for some help. you can not always be there for her you need to deny her often till she realizes it and moved on to some one els who will help her don't worry she wont completley leave you your her mother she is always gonna come to you for advice as long as you keep a bond.

try helping her in ways that she can't take advantage of like get her an interview for a job, apply for jobs for her without her knowing put her phone number so she gets the hint and its up to her to actually take advantege of it and go on the interview.

find out what she needs the money for and go buy her what she says its for so she cant waste it on things that aren't needed.

But make sure you don't fill your life with her problems or you will cause your life to become a mess.