what good would telling do now?

Question

i got out of treatment came to live with my bio-mom and her husband which was two weeks before i turned 18
my mom was out and her husband was there and i felt safe around him and i used to cut due to past sexual abuse that spanned everywhere i was growing up and he grabbed me to him and shoved he tougue down my throat, i cut myself called a suicide hotline went to an er where my mom came in angry at me and i said nothing when she asked my why. i ran away she told me if i leave i am not coming back.
he died earlier this year and before he did i hardly ever saw mymom when he was there, i would never tell my mom what her husband did sshe still loves him and even though i hate hearing her talk about him i will never tell her what he did and i want to tell her but i love her too much to ruin her good memories of her husband. should i? let her know the truth, or is it too late?
i want her to know it was not her fault i ran away and cut myself, and didn't see her for like a good year and

i lived two mintues away from her. i wantto tell her it makes me upset when he is mentioned and i don't want her to think less of me when i tell her it was her husband. he helped her recover form alcohol and she gave me up at birth and was hardly in her life, but i kind of want her to know but don't want to take her good memories from her now and hes dead which i was happy about but stood by my mom in her time of loss. it was not her fault would it do more damage than good to tel lher now? even when she had boyfriends after i felt scared being their with them from the bad experience from her last relationship they weren't him but i still felt they were a threat. how can you deal with this? i want my mom to love me and not feel i am trying to make her life hell but i want her to understand me. but still let her have her happy memories.

Answer 1

You need to tell her - like the other respondants have suggested - it is not just about your mum - you have to have some closure on this too. She will remember him as she remembers him - you are still here and deserve a good relationship with your mum - she may be beating herself up inside over what happened and knowing the full truth may bring you both closer - good luck.

Answer 2

It is never too late. Your mom deserves to know the truth, even as hurtfull as it may be. She should know what kind of man her husband may have been, besides. If you feel the need to protect her feelings, you can tell her something like "I'm pretty sure he's never done anything like this before, though."

You need to heal your emotional scars, and telling your mom WHY you created physical scars can be a great help. Talk to her!

Hoping for the best for you!

Answer 3

I know you don't want to ruin your mom's memory of her husband which is very generous of you,considering the circumstances.Her talking about him is getting to you,as you have good reason to. I know the man is dead but her talking about him is bothering you,how long are you going to keep these troubled thoughts bottled inside you? You are still her daughter and you come first.You need to get this off of your chest because the feeling is going to keep coming back. She may be angry with you and say you are lying but you should tell her that you want her and your relationship to be built on trust and confidence and let her know that you are not trying to hurt her. And then explain to her why you waited so long to tell her,she may be mad but eventually she will understand.Good luck.

Answer 4

Your mother needs to know the truth about what her husband did to you,and for therapeutic reasons,as well as your own sanity-you need to tell her.It really is not fair that you should have this huge guilt bag on your shoulders for the rest of your life,and probably cut again-whilst your mother talks of "the good old days"-"those special memories and times we had together".You obviously think it would be a good idea to say something to her now,otherwise you would not have asked our opinion on the matter-so in plain English,i think you should tell her-it would help you enormously,and hopefully cement the relationship between you both,then possibly you could both go to counseling together.Best of:-)

Answer 5

You need help and you also need to take your mother alone with you. Because if you don't tell her now one day she's going to be going on and on about him to you and your gonna snap. Then it's going to come out the wrong way. Which might led her back to the bottle.The reason why I said that is because she's going to feel bad for yelling at you at the hospital. She's going to figure it was her fault she left you there alone with him. She going to figure she should have seen the signs. She's going to blame herself. That is after she gets over the shock of it. The first part of shock is usually denial. And nobody wants that. I understand you want to be around your mother, you want her to be proud of you. You want her to have her fund memories. You don't want her to have a relapse. But what about you. Like you said you hate to hear her mention his name and all the good she thinks he has done. Pressure will bust a pipe. That's why you were cutting the first time. You are like a volt of electricity you need an outlet or else it's going to come out raw.I'll just pray that things turn out right for you and your mother. Good Luck and GOD BLESS!!!!!

Answer 6

It really does no good to tell now. If your mother were to deny it, it could harm you again and we don't want you hurt any more. It is best to write it down in a letter to your mother and then have a formal session with yourself or yourself and a therapist and tear the letter up as you let go of the pain he caused between you and your mother. Not what he did to you - but how he harmed the relationship with your mother. Then you can begin to build a relationship with your mother that does not include him. When she mentions him just say yeah and move to another current relevant subject. Wishing you the best.

Answer 7

You love your mom alot i can tell, but u need to tell her. She would understand. He did u wrong, u didn't do nothin wrong. She should believe you, because u are her flesh and blood. She know men try to rape girls all the times. so she shouldn't put that past no man. U need to tell her so u can have a peace of mine. you dont want her to lose her memories of her past husband, but she needs to know why u had cut ur wrist and why u ran away. If she doesn't believe you then u know u tried. I know u dont want her to hate u, but its better for u to tell her now than never. She needs to know the truth and she needs you to tell her, shes a mom she may not want to hear the truth but sooner or later she's going to believe u. so u need to tell her so u could live with yourself knowing u did all u could do.

Answer 8

I think you should tell her sweetie, I am 31 and grew up with alot of sexual abuse at the hands of a cousin who lived with us, I ran away at 17 and my mother blaimed herself, I too am a cutter and I havent cut in over a year, tempted at times but still no cutting. when my cousin passed away, I was happy, I felt like I won..until I had to sit through all these people crying and talking about what a good man he was, blah blah blah. I was angry at my parents for not protecting me even though they did'nt know what was going on, later that year I finally told my mother, it doesnt take away the love that she had for the child she raised (my cousin) but it made her understand the pain I felt, she gives me the respect of not talking about him around me and I don't have to hide my hatred for him anymore. It took alot of guilt and blame off her shoulders and I think your mom deserves that release. Stay strong honey, we servived because we were ment to.

Answer 9

You have to ask yourself "Do I want her to love her dead husband or me?"
She can't have a relationship with him anymore except through memories, and you're seeking a relationship with her (I think).
Just to forwarn you, she probably will not believe you, but I'd give it a shot. It may be that he displayed that type of behavior some other time.
I hope that you and your Mom can find a way to reestablish a loving relationship. Best of luck.

Answer 10

PLEASE! Talk to a shrink, teacher, preacher, someone 1st!!! I would tell her to relieve u and get it straight with your mom. Memories r always good and bad. Do you know what she holds on to? You will be bothered with this for the rest of your life and it can affect your life in many ways that might not be good. Take care!!