My friend has been separated from her husband for well over a year, and hasn't dated any other man in that time. She recently just met a guy who she really likes, and he is nice, and would like to date him. She asked her kids what they thought about it and they said no...Now she won't date the guy!!! The kids are 14 and 15, and I understand them. But I feel bad for her. She wanted me to ask what other mom's would do. She can't expect the guy to wait 5 or more years until the kids move out!!! She loves her kids and wants them to be happy. But why can't she be happy too? She wants to know what to do, can anyone help her? I already gave her my opinion...I said go ahead, becuase they shouldn't be able to control her "personal" life. She is the parent! What do you all think??
2006-11-10 07:20:53 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
No she wasn't the one who broke up the marriage. They were having problem the past fews years and decided to just part ways. It was sort of a mutual break up, the love was gone, and she has waited well over a year...almost two...I think that she should be "allowed" to find happiness with another man. AND NO...it is not some STRANGER!!! She isn't like that!!! She has known him for a few months, and the kids have met him. They just never had a problem until DATING came in the picture.
2006-11-10 07:29:21 · update #1
Also, this man is a single father, whom her daughter happens to baby sit for. They had met through work and developed a friendship. He needed a sitter and she suggested her daughter.
2006-11-10 07:31:05 · update #2
Yes, there father has a new gf. But their kids refused to meet her. And that is unfair, because she is really nice girl as well.
2006-11-10 07:32:09 · update #3
It is very possible to be a single mom, still be devoted to your kids (i.e making them a priority) and date someone.
What your friend should do is tell her children that while she understands their feelings, she IS entitled to "mommy time". That doesn't give her the right to put her dating life ahead of kids, but there is nothing wrong with finding a balance.
My son is 14 and has no problem with me dating. He is my main priority and there is no question who comes first. I state that up front to any man interested in going out with me on a regular basis.
I DO NOT introduce my son to anyone I just have dinner with. I would only introduce him to someone I am seriously involved with. And I certainly don't bring guys home so they can "bang Mommy".
manofglass21...shame on you for that thoughtless response!
2006-11-10 07:33:44 · answer #1 · answered by txgirl_2_98 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I was a single mom since my twins were 4 and got remarried when they were 12 ( they are 14 now) when I was dating I kept them seperate from the men I was dating as much as possible until I was in an established relationship with the man. Even then I kept our distance so that the kids would not feel threatened, so that he would not be forced to father kids that were his, and so that I could form a relationship with a man and know that I liked him for who he was - not for just because of the kids. You're friend should do the same. Why would she even ask them at this point? If she is happier because she is dating then the kids will pick up on the fact......she shouldn't be introducing them to anyone until a relationship is realy established.
2006-11-10 15:32:11 · answer #2 · answered by jachooz 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Yes Mommy is allowed to do what she wants but you have to remember that Mommy has kids that she loves very dearly and as i can see those kids dont even want to meet daddys new girlfriend that puts the hint out for both parents the kids dont want to see mommy or daddy be this way they are kids what do you expect i was the child of seperated parents and from my experiance i would rather have seen my mom single and her attention focused on us more we are her kids and we do come first but my mommy met a nice man and married him us kids had no other choice now that i am a married woman i see what you do mean by mommy should be allowed yes we all should be allowed but we need to take into concerduration for how our kids feel about who we bring home cause they also could have different feelings but i think that mommy needs to have a talk with her children.
2006-11-10 16:19:51 · answer #3 · answered by mommyandbaby 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Mommy DEFINITELY deserves happiness. But so do the kids. (the caps are not shouts: they are to add emphasis only, as there are no italics or underlines available)
The kids may be unreasonable in their refusal to allow mom to date - but - that needs to be looked into through deep discussion with the kids. Do they have valid concerns or are they just being selfish? Are they thinking this guy may become their new father?
I went through a similar situation when I was fifteen. My mom and dad divorced when I was three. For twelve years I was the only man in the house. My mom dated throughout those years and my sister and I always got along with her boyfriends. BUT....one day,. when I was fifteen, my mom came home and said she was marrying some guy. I had met him only once or twice. I was against her marrying him, as was my sister. Our reason was simple - we didn't know the guy well and were not about to be disregarded in that way.
I spoke to a very close friend of my mom (they had known each other for over a decade at that point). She had three kids. All of which were my friends - two girls (my age) and one boy (older). We talked for an entire evening (the two girls, the mom, and me) until about two in the morning.
The next morning I went home and sat down with my mom and discussed the situation and why I did not think it was right to marry this guy - It just wasn't right to bring some guy in to RULE over me and my sister after we were already teens, and, my position was not unreasonable for we (my sister and I) had been on our own for so long. (My mom was a waitress and worked nights, so my sister and I learned to cook, clean, and do for ourselves at very early ages. We were on our own before I was ten and my sister eleven - babysitters were too expensive after a while, and the neighborhood families were very close and we all watched out for each other - even left the windows open, doors unlocked when we left for trips out of town.) Perhaps if she waited and dated the guy for a year and we got to really know this guy. But not just off the cuff and marry him like that out of the blue.
So, what I am saying is: Sure, mom deserves happiness and I see no problem with her dating the guy. The teens could at least give her that. BUT, AT NO TIME should this boyfriend be allowed to dictate, have authority over, or otherwise be placed above the children in the hierarchy of importance.
IT IS NOT UNREASONABLE to ask the kids to accept that mom wants to date the guy. Mom has that right. It is only dating, after all.
If, after a few months of dating, the mom thinks it may get serious, then she could sit with the kids and discuss what her aspirations are regarding the relationship and how it would affect the family unit. Still, at the core of the concern should be the 'family unit' - the mom AND the kids.
If the kids ARE unreasonable and outright REFUSE to accept that mom has need for companionship, then she could date the guy clandestinely and to heck with the kids' immaturity and selfishness. (but also keep in mind that there could be valid concerns for their not wanting this guy in their lives - such valid concerns need to be drawn out through in depth discussion)
Again, at no time should the mom just come out and say "Hey I am getting married. You met him once or twice. I have been dating since... He is now going to be your new father. Blah, blah, blah."
I hope this is helpful and adds some insight for discussion.
And I seriously think the mother and the kids should sit and have a heart to heart about this --- with each party recognizing AND accepting the emotional needs of the other. Best of luck to the mom and I hope the kids accept her desire to date the guy.
2006-11-10 17:13:31 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Mommy does deserve happiness and that was very nice of her to "ask" her children. I'm SURE their father is dating and hasn't asked if it was 'ok' with the kids. They can't go very long without another woman around. So, why should she deprive herself. Especially if the guy seems very nice. I know people who have kids the same age and they date and the kids are very well adjusted.
2006-11-10 15:29:24 · answer #5 · answered by Daisey04 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I went through the same thing.I told my kids I don't want to be lonely.Your children won't be around for very long.So give them a chance.They are saying no because they feel someone is going to replace them.It is hard on them at first but if this guy becomes part of your life...they will open up and realize.You do deserve to be happy.Victoria
2006-11-10 15:28:18 · answer #6 · answered by victoria m 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
i think that your friend should explain to her kids that they are almost grown up and out of the house and that she needs some company and a life outside of her home. i am sure that father is dating and if it's alright for him than it should be alright for her. tell her to go ahead and start dating she deserves a little happiness also.
2006-11-10 15:32:19 · answer #7 · answered by trina k 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
i agree with u 100% but it depends on what kind of guy my mom was dating i mean i wouldnt care but if he creeps me out i wouldnt want him in the house i live in but other wise ya sure why not let her do what she wants she is an adult and has the right to do what ever kids can not control adults
2006-11-10 15:26:41 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Divorce first. As long as she is still technically married, I agree with the kids. After the ink is dry, she can date who she likes.
2006-11-10 15:29:59 · answer #9 · answered by Velken 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I think she should tell them the same thing. That she deserves to be happy as well.
Of course, if she was the one that broke up the marriage...i don't have much sympathy.
2006-11-10 15:25:32 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋