What do you say to someone who is dying?

Question

I ran into someone on the street today, and he asked me for directions. His was angry that the directions he had been given were wrong, and volunteered the information that he didn't have time to waste. He has inoperable pancreatic cancer, and has about two months to live. I said "well that's never nice to hear", and gave him proper directions. As he crossed the street I said "take care" and he said "I haven't got much longer anyway".
Now, I don't know that person, but it brought me back to when a close relative was dying of cancer, and we'd visit her in pallitive care. I didn't quite know what to say to her either.
So what is appropriate to say when someone is dying? They know they are going soon, so there's really no "cheering up" to be done. No "get well" cards, no plans for the future. I wrote my relative a card, and told her that once she left she would be as she was before getting sick. Other family members said it was a sad card....well what should I have said?

Answer 1

I have to believe that MOST people who "are dying" want nothing more than to be treated like you would treat anyone else, since when you have a "terminal" condition, everyone who knows treats you very strangely. This guy was different, though, since he took the time to point his predicament out to you.

When I was dying (or everyone thought I was), the most comforting things I heard were from people who just accepted death as a normal thing, and told me how much fun we'd had when we went to such-and-such a place, or did such-and-such a thing, and reminded me of all the good stuff that had happened.

I am a devout agnostic, but I do know that each day is a gift, and however crappy a time you might be having, someone's got it worse, so you might as well smile...

Answer 2

Hi, Im 13 too! I know exactly what you're talking about! I was like that for at least 9 months and I still have slight feelings of sadness/depression, I still am very hyper and my brain is constantly buzzing, and I used to think about how regretfull everyone would be if I died and how sorry people would be and I think I know the answer to your problems and please don't get mad at me for saying this...I think you have ADD or ADHD. I have ADD and when I was diagnosed the docter said people (especially teens with a high load of stress...even silly, made up stress) have anxiaty which leads to sadness. The best way to deal with this is go to a psycholigist or a docter and ask them about it. They will help you a lot!!! I'm now happy, my mom and I have a better relationship, and my grades are a lot better! I can now talk to people about this because I know I'm not crazy and I know what's going on. I wish you the best of luck! I hope I helped! -Julia =)

Answer 3

I send a "just thinking about you" card. At the hospice, say things like, just stopped by to see if you need anything, I'm here for you, are you being treated well here. Let the patient set the tone for the visit.. If they want to cry, or tell stories, or sit quietly and commune with you, let them.
I get a good laugh at work once in awhile. Especially the older folks, feel that they need to entertain their "guest" even though they themselves are as sick as a dog. I have occasionally mentioned that it is not expected, and they need to rest. One even called me serve refreshments to her guests. No, you need to rest, you do not have to entertain, I'm sure your visitors know that. They didn't, and complained. But most are relieved they are not expected to be a hostess while a patient.
You said the right thing to the man, I'm not sure I would have been so quick to come up with something to say. An "I'm sorry" almost always works.

Answer 4

Sometimes there just isn't anything to say to them. As a nurse I have found it's just as comforting to them to not say anything at all, just be there with them or maybe hold their hand or hug them. Offer them assistance in everything you can help them with. Sometimes just reassurance that they are doing the right thing is all someone needs (if you are talking about a family member of the person dying). If it pertains to a complete stranger like the guy you met, offer to listen to thier story. Sometimes they may just need to vent. Unfortunately, the guy you ran into probably wouldn't have spoken given that he was so irritated that his time had been wasted. If anything, offer to pray for them and their remaining time. Its never easy in any situation to think of the "perfect" words. Lots of luck in the future .

Answer 5

You did alright. It's difficult to know the right things to say when someone is dying. Treat them as you would under normal circumstances and keep them in your prayers.

Answer 6

Nikki..

For strangers who volunteer such info, you can't verify it...best to leave it alone, or just say "I'm sorry".

.if it's someone you know or care about, tell them you love them. You never hear that enough while you're alive, I promise. Let her know that you enjoyed her company and learned from her. Remind her of things you've done together, not to make her feel bad, but rather for her to appreciate her part in your life.
And give her a big hug.

Answer 7

If writing to them, "Your illness has made me realize what you mean to me and how important it is to share that. I loved the time we ... You are a great parent/brother/friend because... I admire you because... My prayers are with you."

If you are visiting I would share memories too. And I'd ask them "do you want to be distracted?" "do you want to talk about your illness?" Many terminally ill people want to talk to others terminally ill because they can truly understand and we can not. Go by the person's cues on whether they want to laugh or reminisce or sit quietly.

If it is truly at the end "Is there anything I can do for you? Are there any wishes you want carried out?" If they have young children "I'll keep your memory alive for them and will watch over them for you."

Personally, I never say "you're going to a better place" or "you'll be out of your misery" because I know of people terminally ill who do not accept the impending death and do not want to hear that. And it depends on the person's religious beliefs as well.

Often, silence with handholding or a foot rub if they want it is all that they need.

There are many cards that say "Thinking of you at this difficult time." just to let them know you are there.

If it is too late to share your memories, I always write a letter to the family to share because I treasure the letters I got when my mother died far too young.

Answer 8

Because some people dont know how to act, some retreat back into themselves.
Knowing your dying you know your going to leave your loved ones. So hearing - i love you even if it will be sad and bring tears to the eyes.. its something that should really be said. (of course if you mean it).

I sometimes say... Im selfish, but im really going to miss you.
treasure the moments you have left..
Even if its sitting out in the hospital gardens holding hands.
its a memory you will cherish and one they will appreciate.
Blessings.

Answer 9

Just say I'm praying for you.
In the case of a close friend or relative you might want to ask them if they want to say anything before they go. Most of the time people do want to say a few things tosomebody but don't.

Answer 10

There is NOTHING you can say to make someone who is dealing with impending death "better". The best thing to do is to simply be nice and treat them like a normal person. Most people who are terminally ill don't want your pity or sympathy, only to be treated normally for the rest of their lives. I think you handled the situation brilliantly.