My 3 year old son cries and screams every morning that he doesn't want to go to day care. Please help!?

Question

My son has been attending the same wonderful home day care since he was 12 weeks old. In the last month, he has begun fighting us every morning about getting dressed and leaving the house to go to school. The day care environment is friendly and loving, and once he's there, he's fine. All smiles, happy, cheerful, and immediately begins playing with his friends. The mornings usually begin nicely, but within a few minutes, he begins whining about not going to school which within about 5 minutes escalates into a full-scale screaming bout about not wanting to get dressed. This ritual has me and my husband almost at our wits' end, and some days is making us late for work, which is unacceptable. Some of the children that he used to be close to have moved away and there are a few new kids, including his new brother, who is now almost 6 months old. He loves his brother, all hugs and kisses - never mean to him, so I don't think this is the problem. Any advice on how to counter this behavior?

I've asked my son if the other kids are mean to him, and he's told me that one or two kids have hit him. When I asked the provider about this, she explains that it's been weeks since this happened, and when it did, she tells me my son is the one who hits first, then gets hit back. And when she thinks about it, it happens so rarely and so long ago that she's surprised he remembers. My husband and I are not physical with him at home. If I were to "grade" us on being permissive or firm, I would say we lean to the firm side, and we do not allow him to hit, kick or yell at us. When he does, we send him immediately to his room (can't get him to sit in a chair or a corner for time outs.) Sending him to his room doesn't work on weekday mornings though! We'd never get to work!

Answer 1

I have been a mom for 27 years and a home daycare provider for 20 years. Your son is exhibiting some very normal behavior that is most likely related to having a new baby in the house. The biggest key I see is that once he gets to daycare he is fine. I would take that as a pretty reliable cue that the problem is probably not really daycare related. Think back about how you first reacted to him when he began saying he didn't want to go to daycare. I am going to guess that you were quite concerned and spent a lot of time talking to him and probably hugging him and telling him it will be OK. I am sure he liked the extra attention. No matter how much time you think you are spending with him, he still has to share his parents with his baby brother. Some children are just more sensitive to the change in this family dynamics and will act out because they are not mature enough to put their true feelings into words, yet. If you have been begging, pleading, getting angry, and/or trying to reason with him, try ending all of those responses. Make the morning as matter of fact as possible. Check with your daycare provider for sure on this, but if he refuses to get dressed, don't say a word to him and take him to daycare in his pajamas (pack his clothes so he can get dressed there). If he won't walk out to the car then, without a word, just carry him out and strap him into his car seat. Whenever he is compliant, be sure to put on a big happy face and tell him you like it when he cooperates. Take the fight out of everything not really worth fighting for right now. His obvious love for his baby brother likely shows that his issue isn't with him, but is more with you for bringing this baby home. Don't go overboard, but try to have some time each day when both parents have some one-on-one time with your son. Maybe just a story at bed-time with dad or a walk around the block with mom while dad puts the baby down for bed. Do as much before bed to get ready for the morning so that no matter what tantrums you have to face, you can get where you need to go on time. Also, even if it is a trying morning, be sure to give both your sons a good-bye hug and kiss, an "I love you", and tell them you will see them later. It is a fine balance between being sensitive to your children's needs and tending to the things that need to be done. As parents, we don't always get the balance quite right. We worry about doing things right and will our kids be damaged by what we say and do. But, kids are amazingly resiliant and can live through a lot of parenting mistakes and come out OK in the end.

Answer 2

I have two kids, about the same age as yours... first, do some investigating. Talk to other parents at the daycare, the day care providers, other kids, etc. Sit with your child for the morning or even the entire day to see if anything has changed or if anything is "going on" that would make him act this way.

Try to ask him "why". I know that is hard with a 3 yr old but see if he can verbalize his feelings.

If you think the daycare is still a great place and he has just learned how to get your attention by having these "fits", then try to make the daycare seem like a fun place again. Sit with him in the morning at day care and play with the toys, talk to him/other kids, and just make it seem fun... like a place you yourself would like to be! Don't reward him for his negative behavior - ignore it (I know it's hard) but just say "I understand you don't like daycare but you have to go b/c --- (insert reason)--. You can cry every morning if that makes you feel better but you still have to go".

Let's face it, he can't cry EVERY morning for the rest of his life. He'll get the hint.

But seriously, try to find out if something else is going on at the daycare (new teachers, scary teachers, hitting/biting, him being left out, etc). Then you can address that problem.

Answer 3

That sounds like a 3 year old phase. We went through the same thing with our son. Some children really thrive on predictability and routine. Even one little change in the week can set them off. Sounds like you are doing everything right and sticking to your ground. Tantrums happen with us mostly when we are about to leave and when I pick up my children from pre-school. I also work in childcare and see this all the time. Once your son turns 4, you will see a big change. You will see more co-operation, and independence. 3 years old is tough because they are still breaking out of toddlerhood and dealing with frustrations daily. Good luck.

Answer 4

A couple of things: (1) even if you can't take him outside you can tire him out inside. Dad needs to play & run with him in late afternoon & NO Late Naps. (2) Then insure he has a nice supper & hopefully warm milk. Make certain that his room is dark & quiet. Put him to bed as usual at reasonable hour and then you relax. When he wakes, peep in to insure he's just trying to get your attention. Then go back to bed and after a few nights of this he should settle into the new schedule and sleep til morning.

Answer 5

He is obviously having seperation stress when you leave or drop him off, and he would rather hold on to his mommy all day, I can't say I blame him. As his mother you should be a endless well of patience and should help him on his tough days to get up, get dressed, organize your and his time, allowing for enough time to get ready in the morning, stimulate him with music or song and the smell of food as he wakes. Always encourage him patiently, and let him know that although he doesn't enjoy this it is necessary and always remind him that you will always love him through his tough times. No need to be overly stern , if at all, really, at this age I don't think. I was lucky to have parents like this. Good luck

Answer 6

Maybe he was home when you had the new baby and realized that some kids get to stay at home and wants to. Many kids act out about going to day care but are fine once they get there. The only thing you can do is to be firm but loving and say Sorry you do have to go to day care but then you'll have friends to play with etc. He could be pulling your chain too esp. if you had doubts about going back to work after the new one, he might have caught on to your concern. Just keep tellign him he has to go to day care thats his "job" so you can go to yours.

Answer 7

He wants your attention, what he is doing is in his three year old way telling you that he wants more of YOUR time and less of the Day care time. In otherwords he misses being with his parents. Try to spend more time with him. Another thought could be what my daughter was going through. Like her mother my daughter has never been a "morning" person and she wouldn't want to go to day care either, come to find out it wasn't a problem at/with day care it was simply that she didn't like getting out of bed at 5:30 am...I didn't either but bill had to be paid LOL

Answer 8

He is putting on the scene just for you and his daddy--so that means he is not really unhappy about going there,but rather is trying to get your attention.I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the new baby,and inward jealousy.Be patient,it will be a passing phase.And try to do some activities JUST with the 3 year old at times.Good luck.

Answer 9

have u talked to the teachers at the school to see if there is anything going on after u leave? maybe your child is having problems with other kids.

Answer 10

Can you quit work? I can understand why a 3-year-old wouldn't want to be at day care all day, even a good one.