Dear Mgr Lee,
I have informed by Mgr.Kim regarding your request to extend your ticket validation for 1 year, therefore we have arranged with the travel agents (Gantar Tour) accordingly.
As per the information from GantarTour, your ticket will be extended until November 2007, and we have to activate it by confirming to the travel, the latest is on November 20, 2006. The charges for the extension fee is USD 270 , which you have agreed that this charges will be subjected to you.
Regarding your KITAS, since it will be expired on December 13’ 2006, we have advised by the President Director to process your EPO first, afterwards, once you plan to return to Indonesia, please let us know, in order to us to process your permit renewal.
Kindly send us your KITAS via courier (DHL) before December 13’ 2006, as we need it for EPO purposes.
Should you need any further information, please write or call me, and thank you for your kind attention.
Best regards,
XXXXXX
2006-11-09 18:36:39 · 5 answers · asked by sha_la_la 3 in Education & Reference ➔ Other - Education
I did not understand a few things in your original copy. This should sound better to an native English speaker.
For clarity often we will use the full name of something followed by the abbreviation. Like North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO). After that we can use the abbreviation. You reader may well know what KITAS is, but I do not.
One frequent mistake in the original copy was "run-on sentences". This is trying to put too many ideas in the same sentence.
Hope this works for you.
Dear Manager Lee,
I was informed by Manager Kim that you have requested an extension on your ticket validation for 1 year. We have arranged this extension with the travel agents (Gantar Tour).
As per the information from Gantar Tour, your ticket will be extended until November 2007. We have to activate it by confirming the travel. The latest date this is possible is November 20, 2006. The fee for this extension is 270 USD. You will be required to pay this amount.
Since your KITAS will be expire on December 13, 2006, we have advised by the President Director to process your EPO first. After that please let us know when you plan to return to Indonesia. We can then process your permit renewal.
Please send us your KITAS via courier (DHL) before December 13, 2006. We need this for EPO purposes.
Should you need any further information, please write or call me, and thank you for your business.
Best regards,
XXXXXX
2006-11-09 18:56:57 · answer #1 · answered by San Diego Art Nut 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
this is what I would say.
Dear Manager Lee,
We have extended your ticket validation for 1 year through (Gantar Tour) travel agents authorized by Manager Kim.
Your ticket will be extended until November 2007. It has to be activated by contacting the travel agents to confirm travel dates in advance , no later than November 20, 2006. The extension fee charges are USD 270, which were agreed upon for this extension.
Regarding your KITAS, they will expire December 13, 2006. The President Director has advised to process your EPO first. Kindly send us your KITAS via courier (DHL) before December 13, 2006.
When you plan to return to Indonesia, inform us to process your permit renewal.
Should you need further information or assistance, call or write us.
( include your address to be written to and number, if not on letter head)
Best Regards,
XXXXX
2006-11-09 19:03:31 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I have been informed by Mgr. Kim regarding your request to extend your ticket validation for one (1) year. We have made arrangements, accordingly, with the travel agents, Gandar Tour.
Per Gandar Tour, your ticket will be extended until November 20, 2007. We will need to confirm your travel to activate this change no later than November 20, 2006. The charge for this extension will be USD 270, which you have agreed may be billed to your account.
In regards to your KITAS which will expire on December 13, 2006, the President Director has advised us to process your EPO first. Please let us know when you plan to return to Indonesia in order for us to process your permit renewal.
Kindly send your KITAS to us via DHL courier before December 13, 2006, as we need it for EPO purposes.
Should you need any further assistance or information, please write or call me. Thank you for your kind attention to this matter.
Best regards,
2006-11-09 19:02:55 · answer #3 · answered by tom4bucs 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Here are a few things that I think are incorrect;
The charges for...
The charge for...
...confirming to the travel, the latest is on November 20, 2006
...confirming the travel arrangement, the latest possible date being November 20th 2006.
...which you have agreed that this charges will be subjected to you.
...which you have agreed will be subjected to you.
...we have advised by the...
...we have been advised by the...
And this bit made no sense to me
...your EPO first, afterwards, ...
Should you need any further information, please write or call me, and thank you for your kind attention.
Should you need any further information please write or call me.
Thank you for your kind attention.
That's all I could spot
2006-11-09 18:50:54 · answer #4 · answered by William G 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The first sentance in the second paragraph is to long. Put a full stop after 2007.
then the word "subjected" in the same paragraph is to be changed the sentance should read "... the charges for....will be for your account..."
2006-11-09 18:44:19 · answer #5 · answered by Jaylaw 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋