My mom thinks she is too young to be a grandparent?

Question

My mom is 49 years old, I am married and 25. My wife and I are trying to have our first baby and my mom has mentioned that she is too old to be someone's grandma.

She says that she doesn't feel like she has the time to be a grandma because she likes to hang out with her friends and live her life. Now she has a new boyfriend that she spends every waking minute with so I rarely see her.

I don't want her to take care of my baby, I just was hoping she would be a grandma to my kid since my dad is dead. (My parents divorced way before he died).

I am her only child so my kid will be her only grandchild. I know I can't force her to be a grandma if she doesn't want to be one, but what do I do?

Can't she live her life AND be a grandma? I don't need her help with my family, I just wanted her to be somewhat involved.

What do you think?

Answer 1

I honestly think once she sees your beautiful child she will fall inlove. My mum felt the same way she was more worried about my life and how it was going to change it. I now have an 18 month old daugther who just loves her nanna and her nanna loves her.

Answer 2

Your mom might see your new baby, fall in love, and be a doting grandma. On the other hand, she could be distant to the end of her days. Some people aren't cut out for the role of grandparent and you can't force it no matter how much you care. I speak from personal experience. My mother has two grandchildren, my son and my sister's daughter. She has never connected with either of them, has forgotten or was "too busy to bother" with their birthdays, etc. Even though my expectations have been crushed time and again, it never stops hurting. Both my son's grandfathers are dead, and his other grandmother lives overseas. Luckily, when my son does get to see his dad's mom, she is a loving grandmother - unfortunately that only happens once a year.

What you can do is surround your family (you, your wife and your baby) with people you love and who love you. You sound like a thoughtful, mature person, and you can easily find other adults in your child's life to fill the grandparent role. My elderly next door neighbor takes my son fishing, for example.

Unfortunately, you can't make your mom be something she doesn't want to be. If the magical instant baby love doesn't happen, and I hope it does for your mom, don't spend a lot of time with regret. The saddest thing is that she will miss out on what a great kid you will have, but you can't control that.

The other possibility I see is that your mom's talk is just vanity, in which case she will come around as soon as she sees your baby. Good luck to you and your family.

Answer 3

Your mom has no choice in the matter. If you and your wife have a child, then she's a grandma. What kind of a grandma and how good of agrandma is entirely her choice though. Her grandchild should, and probably will, bring her great joy and be an important part of her life. But it's her life to live, and although you do not have to like it, you do have to let her be your mom and and your child's grand mom the way she feels that she must. I can't guarantee it, but I bet if you have a baby and she holds it..... the grandma issue will not be that much of an issue any more. If I'm wrong about that, then some calm but frank discussion about both your feelings would make sense.

Answer 4

I have a family member who was 47 when the first grandchild was born. She felt that she was too young to be a grandmother, but, of course, she loved her little granddaughter when she was born. When her daughter had other children later, and she was past 50 she said she felt a little more ready to be a grandmother than she had at 47.

I don't think women in their 40's do feel ready to become a grandmother. I don't think it is about you or the future baby at all. Its about how youthful women in their 40's feel. I've joked with my kids that I don't want to be a grandmother until I'm 60!! I just have it in my head that maybe when I'm 60 I'll feel a more appropriate age to become a grandmother.

It may be hard for someone in their 20's to imagine, but people often feel that the 20's is for building some kind of career, the 30's is for having children, the 40's is for enjoying because the career and the family are all well established.

I can believe your mother won't want to be taking care of a baby too often. That's understandable. I suspect, though, that even though she feels too young to be a grandmother she'll love a baby once it is born. A young grandmother in her 40's isn't going to be the white-haired, cookie-baking, apron-wearing grandma that some people think of; but she'll probably have her own relationship with her grandchild; and she'll have the chance to be in your child's life for, maybe, as long as another 35 or 40 years.
Children with the white-haired, cookie-baking grandma often lose their grandma at ten years old or so.

I think what the person I mentioned above did was develop her relationship with the granddaughter in spite of any labels of "grandmother". The relationship is what counts. Whether someone is comfortable with the "old lady title" of "grandmother is a separate issue, and your mother probably will not be too happy with that until she gets used to the idea that "grandmother" doesn't always mean "old".

I, personally, continue to hope I have no grandchildren until I'm past 60; but I'll adjust if things don't work out to my preferences. I think your mother will as well. People work out relationships that are right for everyone involved. Between you and your mother and the baby some relationship that works will be built.

Answer 5

She will probably wake up and smell the baby when you guys actually conceive. in fact, she may do a 180 and start offering advice and babysitting that you don't want!

My mom was 43 when she became a grandmother. She has a lot (too many) boyfriends and lives her life. She is a good Christmas and birthday grandma, but not really involved, as she lives far away.

Your mom is acting selfish. She can totally live her life and be a grandma, if she pulls her head out of her @$$ and wakes up and realizes that your marriage and childbearing don't revolve around her!

You can't force her to be a grandma, but if you guys interact on a regular basis anyway, then the baby will be part of that and will get to know grandma as grandma wants to be known.

Answer 6

She's almost 50- most people are already grandparents by that age- many times over!! Many of my husbands classmates (around 40-42. I'm 33) have grand kids so she's NOT too young but I definitely see where she'd be concerned. She's still 'young' and likes to have a good time and she's worried that because she's grandma that she'll have to keep the kid on the weekends so you and your wife and have a good time. Which that's NOT her place!

If you have in your head that because she's grandma that she's suppose to help you with your baby you are seriously delusional! What do you mean by involved??

I have a 3yr old and my husband and I have only went out to dinner 2x since she was born and it looks like it'll be a very long time before we get to again.....

Answer 7

You are doing things the right way, and in the right order. She should thank her lucky stars that you weren't out becoming a daddy back when you were 16!

Sounds like Mom is having a hard time facing the facts....that her baby is now a Man, and ready to take that next step in life. She seems to be in some sort of denial that it is happening, and is throwing herself though a mid-life crisis of sorts.

But as you and your wife do get preg, Mom will get used to the idea. And hopefully during the course of the pregnancy will become more and more excited.

You can always tell her that she can be called Nana, or Mimi, or grammy, or somthing other than "Grandma". Perhapse she could live with that.

Now, the first time she holds that baby in her arms.....being a grandparent will suddenly become a new hobby, because she will fall madly in love with that baby.

Good luck!

Answer 8

It is sad that your mom doesn't think she can be both a grandma and have her life. Don't let what your mother says sway you and wife from having a baby, it is her loss if she doens't embrace and love your baby. Besides, I am 33 years old and my fiance has a 19 year old daughter with a beautiful six month old baby boy, I am never embarassed to say I am his grandma! Another thing to consider, once the baby is here, she will probably fall in love with him or her and you won't even remember this conversation happened, if not, then I would say it is her loss and she will be the one to regret her actions later on, when she feels old enough to be a grandmother. Kids don't forget when they are slighted, so hopefully she warms up to the idea before the baby is born.

Answer 9

First of all, your a grownup and it is not up to your mom whether she becomes a grandparent of not. Sometimes we don't have the choice of being a parent. Things just happenin the course of nature. Secondly, she is not too young. My sister is a grandparent and jshe ust turned 40. Most people are not ready when they become a parent or grandparent. She'll get used to the idea over time. My mil was like that when my sil got pregnant and now she loves being Nana to 4 grand kids ages 8, 6, 4, and almost 1. My mil is still in her early 50's. My mom is 62 and is a great grandma so your mom should feel so bad about being TOO young.

Answer 10

49 is not to be a grandma, she just has discovered a new life and I really think once you do have a baby and it arrives safely your mum will think differently, I think she can still live her life and be a grandma , my mum isn't that interested in my children who are still quite young and I can't understand that at all. I don't ask her for anything or do babysit at all and just leave it up to her as to what contact she wants with them.. I love them and enjoy their company.. Grandmas certainly are different these days.. good luck

Answer 11

I think she still can do both u havent got to be around 24/7 to be a good grand parent. just be there when needed and involved when she can. my parents are expecting there 1st grand child in a week and there excited althought they both work and have active social lives they are both looking forward to the whole experience. There 44 and 43 the way they see it, is that its my brothers and his partners responsibility to take care of there child but they will be there for suport and to give out love etc when they can. I think she will feel different once the baby comes along.