family counseling?

Question

My mother and I are not getting along at all, and we have been considering going into family counseling for a while now. However, I am kind of apprehensive about it because I worry that as soon as I say anything about how I feel, she going to tell me thats stupid or irrational, because thats what she normally does. I am also worried that my younger brother will get put in a place where he has to choose sides between us, or that I won't be taken seriously because I am the child, not the parent, and because my mother has so far been blaming me for everything that has not been working in our relationtionship. I know I'm part of the problem, but I don't think its fair for her to say I'm the entire problem. I was wondering if anyone who had experience with family counseling would know how any of these issues might be handled? Also, we would be doing a brief model of family counseling, has anyone experienced any success with this?

Answer 1

I am training as a child and family psychologist, and have provided supervised therapy for a number of families. I believe your worries are normal. If the therapist is worth anything, they will not take sides. A family therapist is trained to see things as a system failure, not an individual failure. Every family is different, and every relationship within that family is different, and therefore people need to adjust themselves for who they are dealing with. In other words, if a parent acts one way to one child, and it is great for that child, it does not mean that same interaction would be good for another child. (Hope that makes sense).
The therapist should also be able to diffuse your mothers blame on you, and should be able to keep your brother out of the middle. Again, the basic tenant of family therapy is that it is a system problem, not an individals. Further, when it is your turn to talk the therapist should make your mother respect that, just as she should make you listen to your mother.
It is good to admit that you are part of the problem though, but again don't blame, just look to how to change. Blame won't help. Fault doesn't help. Solutions do. If you are willing to change though, your mother will have to follow suit, at least according to systems theory. So be willing to take the first step, even if the rest of your family isn't ready. Even being nicer will force them to change how they interact with you.
Go to therapy, it helps!!!!!

Answer 2

Family counseling, when done properly, helps the family function better. Also, family counselors tend to want to go back as many generations as possible, because mental health issues tend to be passed from generation to generation. The problem usually originates with the parent and is passed to the child. Quite frankly, based on what you have said, your mother sounds verbally and emotionally abusive, in which case your mothers problems are likely to be fairly deep seated, and resistant to change. I would be surprised if brief counseling would help in a situation of a parent consistently being verbally and emotionally abusive.

I recommend reading the book, "The Family Crucible" by Augustus Y. Napier and Carl Whitaker, available through Amazon and also likely through your local library.

Answer 3

My sisters and I had a counseling session with our mother for similar problems. The counselor was GREAT. Along with moderating and helping to get the real issues out on the table, he made sure no one was interrupted and he also had the person you were speaking to reiterate what you had said in order to be sure the statement was understood how you meant it to be taken. This was very helpful in making our mother really hear and answer our concerns and not just hear what she wanted. I highly recommend counseling if you can find a good one. In the Northern VA/DC/MD area Art Bennett with Alpha Omega clinic is wonderful. He also has several books out that may help. Good luck!

Answer 4

Things always work out better in counselling than they do at home. Partly because you have a counsellor there to guide and control the conversation, and teach you better communication skills.

My spouse and I are seeing a counsellor right now (better to take care of ripples before they become waves and all), and I find that we're experiencing a fair bit of success.

I say give it a go. As foreboding as it seems to be, the truth of the matter is that it really can't hurt, it can only help.

Answer 5

im studying to be a child psychologist at the moment i have been to family counciling myself and individual counciling when i was younger the counciler is a mediator who will they wont let any one think or call you stupid it will probly bring to light things why you and your mother dont get on and you can fin ways to change this id say try it if you dont like it then dont contiue but you have nothing to loose good luck

Answer 6

Talk in a calm manner and be polite to your mother.
Let your feelings out in a way where you will be heard in a heart felt way. Let them know how much you love your mother.

Answer 7

I have not expirenced any councling before. but I would imagine it would help!!