Bad step-kids?

Question

My current fiance' 3 boys constantly talk back, act out, do not listen, etc. Her middle child recently got suspended from 1st grade??? Their father who, gets them every other weekend, constantly talks bad about their mother saying the reason he doesn't take them anywhere or do things with them is because he's broke from paying their mother. In return, when the kids come back from their dads house each weekend and work we've done as far as correcting their behavior is no erased and we get kids (none older than 9) that talk back, slam doors, etc. As a step-father-to-be I try and speak with the kids. I tell them this is not the way to act. (I have 4 of my own well behaved from a previous marriage) I worry when my kids come over that they try and pick up these bad habits. My fiance's kids really stree me out however since I work a lot during the week I hardly have any interaction. She tries her best but the dad erases any work we do every other weekend. I am setting myself up here?

To give an idea of the kids behavior. When I came to her house for the first time, the children were standing on counters and throwing hardball baseballs. The constantly tell their mom that their dad says they don't have to listen. They constant sneak around the house stealing food, candy, money and hiding it in a hole in the wall that they knocked in one of their rooms. The consistly disobey and do not listen. Because my kids do not act this way its hard for me to understand their actions. I give her advice but she seldoms sees it through. Since their father is involved with them I am unsure where my boundaries are i.e spanking etc. I do put them on time out when I see them doing something wrong however I feel if she doesn't do it also then I come off as the wicked stepdad. Lately I have just been hands off and remind my kids when they come over weekly and every other weekend that they are not to act in the same manner. Should I reconsider marriage if I am this bothered now

I really do love her and enjoy our time when we are away from the kids. (I know sounds bad but around it is VERY stressful, for both of us)

First sorry for the grammar errors. Also, suggesting talking to the Dad will not work. Their marriage was a physically and verbally abusive relationship. The 2 oldest seeing the behavior first hand. She tries to have as little contact as possible with him but when it is its usually him cussing at her over the phone. I have spoken with him several times and let him know his actions towards will lead to me and him getting physical, however I can not tell him how to raise his kids. I mentioned to him that he is ruining his kids life with the confusing comments but he obviouly disregards the advice. She does not want to take full custody because (unfortunately) the boys really like visiting their dad and we would really be the evil people if we do that. Its like a terrible catch 22.

Answer 1

The mother has to be the disciplinarian here and the two of you might want to take a "kids in the middle" class. No matter how much the father is undermining the two of you, you can counter that with strength by being consistent with the mother laying down the house rules and you honoring them. This way they're less likely to say "you can't tell me what to do, your not my dad" because you'll be saying "your mother told you that wasn't allowed and you have been told the consequence of behaving that way. It's your decision to make." It's good to write down the behavior and the consequences for all to see and you guys have to be consistent with them so the outcome is guaranteed.

Try to keep in mind that you can only control yourself and can not control others. Although the father is creating trouble, you needn't concern yourself with that and try your best not to because it only causes other problems and feeds into the negative things the father is saying. Keeping focus on your relationship with, and the mother focusing on her relationship with them is the only way to go about this. You've got to be creative in your consequences too and it helps if they're related to the behavior. If they slam doors and don't stop after you've told them too and told them the consequence, take the door off the hinges. If they break things and don't stop, make them break something of theirs or throw it away, but don't do it yourself.

Before all of this, you have to find out what they're so angry about. Have their feelings been invalidated? The mother really needs to work on her relationship with them and express what she wants from them and expects from them. It's good to ask them too what they want and expect from her and you. Try to not take things personally and remember you're suppose to be the role model. It's real important you guys don't say anything bad about the father, but you can say you don't agree with his behavior, but make sure to remain neutral with your words. Stick with "I" statements and stay away from "you" statements. It’s good to say things like "When you behave that way, it hurts my feelings." Make sure to separate the person from the behavior. If you cause shame by saying "you’re a bad boy" it could make them feel bad about who they are. If you cause guilt by saying instead "I love you, but I don't like that behavior" it could help them want to behave better. Shame doesn't motivate you into behaving better. Guilt does. This doesn't mean to guilt trip though. Another tactic to counter the father's comments of not doing anything with them because he's broke could be to do something with the boys that doesn't cost any money to show them that things can be done without money. You needn't say that to them, but you'll be showing over time that the father has choices and it's on him. Dad has his house rules, but when they're in moms home, they have to abide by moms house rules.

You guys really ought to go to counseling.

You need to sit down with the mother and ask her if she wants things to stay this way, get worse, or get better. To get better, she has to stand her ground and behave like a parent and take control of the situation. You can ask her if this is what she is offering if the two of you get married because you are in a situation that if you step up and take control, you will be resented and make the situation worse. If the father is abusive, obviously this is where they're learning it from, and since they've seen the mother take if from the father, they think it's ok they do it too. Don't make it worse by threatening the dad. You can't reason with someone like that. The mother has to give the father consequences too. If the father is going to be disrespectful, then the mother needs to hang up the phone but tell him ahead of time that if he can not control his behavior, communication will be cut. If this is all being done without the courts intervention, it makes it much worse. You guys don't want to be the one that's making the rules about custody. If the courts are saying who gets the kids and when, then when the father is abusive and wants them on a day that doens't beling to him, the mother can say no, that's not my decision to make. It would be good to have the custody determined by the courts, which is something the two parents will probably agree upon the way it is now anyways, and then the courts can offer co-parenting classes which will be super helpful, even if the father doesn't attend or respect what they have to say. But don't say anthing bad about the dad because as terrible a father as he sounds, they still need him and they need to know that mom and you accept that dad is there and not going anywhere.

Answer 2

Ok as a young adult living with a step- mother with my dad and a step- father with my mom, i am split between them every other week, i think that at first you should do very little. This is only at first, when you first come into thier lives they will most likely say they hate you. Do not worry they probably dont mean it, you are just "taking" thier mother away. After they see you are not going to do that they will start liking you more. If you can take them out to the park or movies or bowling, in other words just interact with them whenever possible.

What ever you do, do not try to change things in the house hold right away. They will grow to resent you right away. My step-mother did this and i hate her to this day, my personal opinion is that she turned my father into an alcoholic and turned him against me. Any changes you make, have the mother say them, or do them slowly.

About the father it seems like you need to talk with him, all three of you together. What he is doing will only hurt the children in life, as it has done already. No child should be suspended from 1st grade, although the children could think it is their fault for thier parents break up. After talking to the father i would say let the father and mother sit down with thier children and talk about how they feel. I would say you should be in the conversation too, but that depends on how the children see you already. If you are in on the conversation, try to say as little as possible because you do not want the children thinking that you are making the rules, at least not yet.

All in all it will take time, but as the saying goes. Patience is a virtue. Take it slow and remember, to the kids you may be the enemy so try to win them over.

I really hope this helps, just to let you know that is what my stepfather did, and we are very close.

Answer 3

I don't see a huge discipline issue here, since you say t hey are otherwise good kids and are doing well in school. What I do see are health issues involving weight, eating habits, and possibly self esteem. Girls that age, especially those who are insecure about their appearance, sometimes try to improve their self esteem by being considered sexy by boys. That can have very bad consequences. On the other hand, the tight pants may be nothing more than a fashion trend that her peer group has adopted. Many women are wearing them now. While you and her sister may not dress that way, her role models are probably not you. She is more likely to follow her friends and peer group. Encourage her to get involved in activities that are good for her physical and emotional health and that will introduce her to a positive peer group. Sports can be very good for that - as long as the others on the team are accepting and supportive and model good attitudes and behaviors. Watch her for a while. This may be a stage that passes, but if she becomes too obsessed with boys or sexiness, talk to a counselor. And for sure help her make good food choices and encourage her to keep exercising.

Answer 4

My guy and I have the same problem my son's father, he spends every other weekend with his father and it takes the 2 week break to "ERASE" the behavior that he has learned over the 2 days he spends their, you are definitely right about that, however I feel that you should tell your fiancee' clearly how you feel and see if she agrees. If she does you two should talk about what exactly you think should be done with the unwanted behaviors, and how you are going to accomplish it, next she should have a nice little chat with their father and explain to him the way his actions, and allowing their not okay behaviors are effecting their daily home life (he's really hurting the children) and everyone in the home with them. If has any respect for himself and/or his children he'll think twice next time he has a weekend, worked for me, but not overnight.....

Answer 5

a common problim try and win their hearts but at the same time use tuff love this sounds contradictory but it is a balance you must find .
you have to help your fiancee but also speak your concern as it seems you do.
you cannot award bad behavior and you must
have rules and consequences.
the kids have feelings and dont know which way to turn.
they are being torn apart. if you give up her ex wins
perhaps counseling family counseling with a professional
and not all counsellors are equal you may have to visit a few to find 1 that suits your needs and there may have to be a few different for different members

Answer 6

sounds like some family counseling is needed here, sounds like mommy needs to set her own rules and stand by them , yes take it to court and see what can be done because being unruly now will only lead to bigger and worse things, nip it while they are still kids, tell mom to become a drill Sargent for a while, your right you correcting someones elses children will only make you the villian here, let the mother teach them respect.

Answer 7

What is mom doing? It sounds like she needs to be the one putting her foot down.Where has her influence been on her kids?

Answer 8

go to court and see if there's a way to get full custody or limit the custody time that their father has of them to a minimum

Answer 9

sign them up for boot camp, take whatever is electronic or whatever they use all the time away and make them behave and be respectful for them back.

Answer 10

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