this has been bothering me for some time. I do not want to brag but I am financially lucky. My point is my friend has been living at my house (he is in a situation, he put himself there, though) for more than a month, and has not contributed a time. NOTHING! No toiletries, etc.
Since I am financially lucky is it rude for me to think it is wrong for him not to contribute or is it morally my duty to allow him/help him?
Please help I am confused on the RIGHT way to handle this situation.
Thank you so much!
2006-11-09 05:24:17 · 11 answers · asked by tramany77 2 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
no he is not handicapped or mentally ill, emotionally ill. He has a masters degree and very healthy.
2006-11-09 05:36:33 · update #1
Yeah I feel used. He does not contribute, he does not help clean (except his room clean), he does nothing around the house. A computer wiz and cannot help fix it.
2006-11-09 06:36:53 · update #2
you've given him a month...now it's time to have a talk...you need to find out what his intentions are...tell him that as of such and such a date if he plans to continue to stay with you he needs to contribute.....something...he sounds like he needs a little push to get back on his feet
2006-11-09 05:28:18 · answer #1 · answered by kardea 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You need to decide what you're willing to do for him. Do you want to offer your hospitality freely or do you want him to be an active part of the house? Were any expectations set out before he moved in or soon after?
Even if you said stuff to give him the impression that you expect nothing in return it sounds like this is bothering you. The best etiquette thing would be to establish some boundaries and expectations. If he's not in a financial position to buy toiletries, well, ok, but can he help keep the house clean and orderly? He should be able to do that.
So perhaps have a talk with him and establish some of those things. "I appreciate that you can't help out with supplies in the house but I think it would be helpful if you were able to contribute your time and efforts by cooking dinner twice a week or cleaning up the kitchen or working on this home improvement project..."
If he's going to be a long term addition to the house, he needs to contribute but it doesn't necessarily mean $$.
But it's more about determine on your own what you think is fair and what you're willing to ask of him. I've had people end friendships in situations like this because the house guest becomes unwanted and the problem couldv'e been nipped in the bud by setting up expectations. This is not a weekend guest where you can put up with a lot of crap. He needs to know to respect your house and your hospitality. Help him to know what that means and things should be better.
2006-11-09 14:10:52 · answer #2 · answered by stimply 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Those more fortunate are morally obliged to help those who are less fortunate, yes. And since "charity begins at home," it does make more sense to help those you know before those you don't know. So it is right of you to help your friend.
However, it is up to HOW to best help him. Are you being supportive, or an enabler? Is your generosity granting him the time to deal with his situation, or giving him a chance to ignore it and run away? Would it be healthier for him to not have to worry about finances for awhile, or to feel a measure of control over his life by contributing to his own room&board?
It depends very much on the nuances of his situation and your friendship. Remember Shakespeare's advice "neither a borrower nor a lender be... for a loan oft loses both itself and the friend." (or something to that effect) Encourage your friend to develop a plan for dealing with and resolving his situation. Explain to him that you are happy to offer him some help (free rent) but want him to still contribute a reasonable amount (buy some groceries, household supplies, chip in for utilities).
2006-11-09 13:58:42 · answer #3 · answered by teresathegreat 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You do NOT owe anyone for your success, whichever way it is bestowed upon you, it is yours! You are deserving, not your friend. This may sound terrible, however the truth isn't always palatable. If your friend has a Masters Degree, then it is very obvious that the gentleman is educated enough to know this. Remember that you should not cast your pearls to the swine. Simply stated, you should only help those who are in dire need of help. Try donating to your local charity, it is cheaper, and it is tax deductible. What you are doing for your friend has absolutely no benefit for you. Invest wisely, ( by not giving it away to able bodied, lazy individuals) and you will secure your future. Give it away and it will never return. If you lose your friend in the process, then he wasn't you friend to begin with.
2006-11-10 22:04:49 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You could start by asking him what his plans are. Some people are floaters and will not make decisions unless forced to. He might just need to know that you either want your home back or some rent money.
Don't forget that he put himself in this position, so he obviously does not plan ahead. If he knows that you not going to let him stay there forever without contributing to the household, he will either move on or contribute.
Take care,
Troy
2006-11-09 14:00:44 · answer #5 · answered by tiuliucci 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you may feel morally obligated to help this friend, but that doesn't mean you have to have a freeloader living off your financial success....
helping him could mean directing him to public agencies that help the disadvantaged
or being emotionally supportive
...but you are not obligated to support him...
i think you need to set some boundaries ASAP
...let him know what is expected of him....and if he can't contribute financially then he can contribute with doing housework, etc...
2006-11-09 13:28:41 · answer #6 · answered by SNAP! 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
this is not a moral question this is just a person living off you.
Ask the person to buy his own stuff. If you are afraid to tell him then just remove all your toiletries and put them in your room.
You should have discussed the living arrangements at the beginning but it is never to late to tell him.
It is your home and he is an adult. If it hurts your friendship then it was not much of a friendship to begin with
2006-11-09 14:24:18 · answer #7 · answered by spider 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like your first three answers, especially Glenn Kawesch's, are right on the target. Now, the question is, can you "do the dirty work" of getting the job done. The "Tough Love" program works perfectly in such situations. Use it here. God Bless you.
2006-11-09 13:36:12 · answer #8 · answered by ? 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have you heard the old adage that we train others how to treat us? In a loving, but firm message, tell him if his hands and legs are not broke...he needs to use them...Do it quickly...before a pattern that you are his mama is established...you don't want to be his mama do ya?...Because some men are happy to fall into that pattern.
2006-11-09 13:42:52 · answer #9 · answered by ticklemeblue 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you have a moral obligation to "teach him to fish" rather than give him the "fish". You are an enabler. Set up some goals.
Glenn Kawesch
2006-11-09 13:27:34 · answer #10 · answered by glenn kawesch 1 · 4⤊ 0⤋