Intense trouble with a step-son?

Question

Need serious help with my step-son, he's adhd for one thing, then there is the ex she does everything to sabatoge the time he spends with us. She says things like "you don't have to listen to her I'm your mother" "Your daddy and I were suppose to be married forever but then she came around" "Your daddy would come home to us if she wasn't around". You know the usual craziness which I can deal with but what I can't deal with is the behavior issues, the defiance, the rudeness, and just plain general misery that follows him when he is here. He is in counseling but I don't know if it's helping at all. There are 3 other children in the home and one on the way, I feel like I am slowly going insane!! Would LOVE any "tricks of the trade" so to speak, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks all!

To add a few things....My step-son is 6 years old and his mother is mentally ill, no I'm not just saying that to be bitter, it's really true, and talking to her is pointless we have tried, the more miserable she thinks she is making things for us, even at the expense of her son, the happier she is. I do understand that she is upset and hurt at the divorce but it was a while ago and had nothing to do with me. My husband is great and is very supportive of me and does what he can to help with this mess which relieves alot of the stress in the house. I just wish some kind of light would go off in his mom's head so she would know that she is only torturing this little boy and making things harder on him than need be.
And to the person who just simply suggested that I let his father go back to his mother...what is the point of that? I am not keeping him chained in the basement, he left her on his own free will and married me on the same. Simple as that.

Thanks to all that answered!

Answer 1

You didn't mention the age of your step son. I am going to assume he is of age to understand things. You can't change the way the mother is with her boy. She does need to grow up nad be mature. On to the boy. Your husband need to support you. He needs to let the boy know he does have to listen to you and show respect towards you as he would any other adult. Try sitting down with the child when he is calm. Ask him if you two can talk. If he says no then don't push it. You could also ask him if he would like to go eat with you. Just him and you. Take him somewhere he likes to go. Let him have fun and you have fun with him. Talk with him either there while you are eating or on the way home. Don't approach him as if he did anything wrong. If you do that he'll be on the defence. You won't get anywhere. Ask him how he feels about you. Let him know that adults make their own choices and he has that right as well. Tell him you love him and you think he is an amazing boy. See if you can get to the root of the issue. His mother feeding him bs that she shouldn't. Tell him what happened between his mother and father had nothing to do with you. You would love to get to know him and spend more time with him. Whatever you do, do NOT put his mother down even if you want too, fight every urge you have. If you do put her down, then he'll defend her and it'll cause more issues than ever. Don't push him to call you mom. Tell him that his choice. Make sure you let it through the choices he has, that it is all up to him. No matter what he chooses, you will always be here for him waiting on him. Discpline him the same as you would your own child. No exceptions to it. If you don't, the other children will feel like they can either do what he does, disrespect you, etc. If you get after them and not him, they will think you favor him, that he is more special than they are. You treat him exactly the same way you treat your own children. If the mother will have to get use it. She needs to grow up something fierce. To put a child through adult issues, involve him just because she is hurt and angry shows how mature she is. Try talking with him, show him respect and treat the same. make sure your husband stands behind you on this and reinforces it as well. What you're going through is rough. I wish the best for you.

Answer 2

Oh sweetie, I know exactly how you feel.

My only suggestion is this: Buy the book "Ritalin is Not the Answer," and the "Ritalin is Not the Answer Action Guide" by David B. Stein, PhD. I have hyperactivity and defiance problems with both my boys and this book has saved me a lot of heartache.

Also, remember, you can only enforce YOUR rules in your's and your husband's home. Only work on what YOU can control....don't worry about the ex. Let your step-son know that the rules may be different at his mother's house, but you and your husband are in charge when he is with you.

Good luck, and if you need any further advice don't hesitate to ask!

Answer 3

It sounds like his mother needs to be in counseling. I know your husband loves his son, but maybe it's best if he doesn't bring him into the home, at least not much. Maybe he can spend time with him doing activities, ballgames, bowling, movies..... And try keeping him away from you while you are pg. You do not need the stress. This is a common problem & there should be some kind of law against filling kids' heads with garbage. It should be considered a form of child abuse.
The mother is obviously still in love with your husband with what she is telling their son. That is where the root of the problem is. Your husband needs to have a talk with her.
All you can do is try to be fun for the boy when you have to be around him. Let him have his way, so to speak, what activities he wants to do, what he wants for dinner..... and see if you can't become close friends with him.

Answer 4

I think this is really hard, not only for you, but the children and your partner, and the ex obviously feels as jealous as hell, and whats to transfer all her bad feelings to the kids which isn't fair. They have to come to terms with the relationship at the own pace and get to know you for the person you are.

The one on the way is that yours or hers? Either way I think if poss your partner whould sit down with the kids and try and get them to open up. Maybe some one on one time with you, doing something they enjoy would show them you care and are interested in them. They aren't as likely to start anything because they will have no one to play up to.

maybe some family time too. Maybe all of you (not the ex) should do some fun stuff - get out of the house, go to the park, do some sports together, or something where you have to work as a team.

I think they need time, and your partner needs to talk to the ex and ask her to back off for the kids sake. if they are already in counselling then they don't need her adding to it.

Good luck, hang in there, it will get easier with time, and eventually she will meet someone and move on she just has nothing else to focus her energy on right now and sadly she sees you as the best target.

Answer 5

You just have to keep plugging away. I know it sounds frustrating (and is frustrating!) but you have to prove to those kinds of kids that you won't go anywhere just because they are difficult. Depending on his age, you may be able to sit down and talk with him on an intellectual level and try to explain the situation as you see it (without the evilness of the ex, of course). If he's not old enough or mature enough for that then you just have to be extremely consistent and try to use his outbursts to show him that you care about his well-being. Maybe you, your husband and your step-son should go to counseling together. Maybe if he hears you speaking in with the counseler about how you care but its hard to get over the way he makes things difficult, that will change his perspective. Also, the counselor may have some ideas that will work in the home for discpline purposes, to help with consistency. Good luck.

Answer 6

I have gone through this same thing, my husband's ex-wife told my step-son he doesn't have to do anything at our house therefore he would be a slob and totally trash our house while we had to pick it up. This got very old....quick! We have put our foot down and have given him boundaries, and if he doesn't like them, he can stay with his mom. Sometimes he stays sometimes not. It is a struggle (my son and step-son have adhd too), so that doesn't help. Although it has turned into a shouting match between me and my step-son's mom, I have had to put my foot down with her because of our rules of our house. I think sometimes that when one spouse moves on and the other one hasn't, it harbors these types of disagreements. In your case, I think the other mom definitely has a problem because she is involving your step-son in her bitterness and doesn't want him to be happy for his dad. She is miserable so she wants to make everybody else the same way. Just keep trying with your step-son, one day he will see that he can benefit by all of you loving him. I know it is hard, but in the long run it is worth it.

Answer 7

I wish I knew how to help you. I've had the same type of trouble with my step-children for years and have just posted a question about my mean 21 year old step child.

I hope you have some luck in resolving your issues. Mine have been going on for 9 years now. I've just given my husband an ultimatum--get that mean youngin' out of our lives or get out of mine. She is really that hateful that I don't want any part of her anymore.

She has her own child that she refuses to take care of and bums money off of everyone she knows. She even stole money from her ex-boyfriend and opened a credit card in his mother's name. She opened one in her sister's name and her own mother's. She'll do anything to gain access to money---accept work for it. The court date for this is coming up soon. I can't wait and actually hope that she gets locked up for years.

I know this all sounds terribly mean on my part, but I'm tired of dealing with her and all of her hatefulness. I hope you never get to the point where I am today.

Good Luck!

Answer 8

Poor kid, I know a friend who's almost in the same boat as him, his mother dont live with his father, I dont think he knows who he is though.

He'll get through it. Eventually, he'll stop listening to his mom. How old is he? That may have something to do with it. Try to never show favertism to the other kids. The wife of your husband beforehand is feeling left out - she's upset over the divorce, and I imagine she'll eventually get over it.

Good luck. *hugs* remember, things will get better.

Answer 9

Sounds like his mama needs her a$$ kicked ..she is the one making this child the way he is...Does she not care that her child is taking everything she says to heart..Sounds like you need to deal with the mother first then the son..Why doesn't his dad say something to the ex ...The witch needs to know that she is ruining everyones life including her son's...You hang in there...The boy will come around one day and see his mother for what she is...just hope it is soon

Answer 10

It's important not to bash your stepsons mother in front of him because, of course, his loyalty is with her. You need to prove to him that you are in it for the "long haul." Spend some one on one time with him and take an interest in the things he takes an interest in. Make sure that your husband backs you up when issues do arise but remember, that you aren't his mother and his feelings are going to be divided. He sees you as an intruder, responsible for breaking up his original family. Give him unconditional love and make him welcome in your family. If possible, set up an appointment with his counselor and ask him or her if they have any suggestions. Good Luck!