My stepdaughter is really mean. I'd love to develop a relationship with her, but she says the most horrible..

Question

She says the most horrible things I've ever heard. She even told her Dad that he needed a paternity test for our daughter. The step is 21 and our daughter is 6. They've seen one another a few times, but have never developed a relationship. That might be difficult to explain to our daughter later. How do we tell her that she has a sister that is so mean that she wants nothing to do with her father's family, but comes around to see her father when he is away from our home? He tried to talk to his daughter yesterday and the conversation just blew up in his face. He wants us to get along, but isn't very firm about it. I want us to get along, but don't know how to deal with such meanness. She's called me a *****, a s1ut, and tells me that I need to leave her father alone. The worse she acts, the uglier my husband is to my 15 year old (not his child). The cycle is vicious and ugly. I don't know what to do. Do I leave him to protect the children from her and her aftermath or...?

I did forget to mention that her dad and I have been married for almost 9 years and that in those years she has never had kind words for me or our daughter. She visited our home only one time and insisted on going home within hours of her arrival--she was 14 at that time.

We DON'T talk because she insists on NOT talking to any of us except for her dad. I can take that with a grain of salt, but I can't take the meanness. Like I said, he wants us to get along, but is having a hard time expressing himself to her. She won't even give the relationship a chance.

Counseling sounds great, but the fact is she won't have any part of it. She says horrible things to him to get him to leave us and doesn't care that she would be breaking a father away from his 6 year old child.

I can't imagine that she's all bad. After all, her daddy's a sweet man. He's having a hard time with this situation and it does have an adverse affect, but he is still nevertheless, sweet.

Answer 1

seems like this girl's mother did a real good job on her daughter to hate her father and you, too. at 21 this girl is never going to change, in fact, she's not a girl but a young woman acting like a child. if she has so much hatred for you and your husband - i would have nothing to do with her. why start a relationship with her at this age, when it didn't seem there was a relationship when she was growing up. as far as your younger daughter - this girl is not her sister - only a step-sister. why does she have to be considered your family? she doesn't live with you. there are many broken homes out there and one family doesn't even know the other family. so there's nothing really to explain to your daughter when she gets older, than to say that this is her family and, yes, dad did have another family before us, but due to family issues, it just didn't work out. i would seriously talk to your husband about his behavior with your 15 year old. this child is innocent to what's going on and he should realize where his anger is at, and definitely not to pick it out on your daughter - that she has done nothing wrong. but you shouldn't have this problem any longer if you keep this 21 year old out of your life. if this happens, your family should go back to normal. good luck.

Answer 2

i am a step-child and my dad has been remarried for several years. my mother died when i was young. the best thing i can tell you to do is to try to be the best step mother you can. even though this child is older and should be able to cope with the situation in a more mature way, there still could be some issues she is dealing with in relation to the divorce, or death. it is hard, i know that i put my step mother through a lot when we were not getting along. it took many years for us to have a good relationship. but now i value her as huge blessing in my life. the most important thing to remember is that you are the adult, and you are going to have to step up and not let the mean things she does to you hurt you. and the worst thing you can do is try put her father against her. she will resent you for this. as painful as her comments are to you, you have step it up and be the bigger person. continue to love and support her and eventually she will grow up and work through her issues on her own. you will be able to have a good relationship with her, it will just take time.

Answer 3

I am in a similar situation, but I let my husband know that I will not put up with it. You will not disrespect me if I don't disrespect me. I drew the line when 15 year old my step-son (with a warped sense of humor) threatened to hit his father after he was reprimanded for something he did. I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old with my husband. I also have a 16 and 14 from a previous marriage. I told my husband that I cannot and will not tell him what to do, but I can only advice myself for the safety of my children, and that I was ready to move out of the house until he handled the situation. Of course I also told my step-son that I will not tolerate the bullsh!t that his parents tolerate, and that I am not afraid of him. Well, I am somewhat happy to report that it has helped for the most part, but I still refuse to have him alone with any of my kids for any expended length of time because as I said before he has a sick sense of humor and is very irresponsible.

Answer 4

sit down and have a talk with your husband... what his daughter is doing is not right, but at the same time i understand how it could be hard for her. I know many situations similar to yours and the best way to fix it is just to deal with it in time. I wouldnt leave your husband because its not fair to the 6 year old. but a good talk should def. help.

Answer 5

Have you thought of counseling? Would she go? If not, then maybe seeing her dad outside of your home is the only way to deal with her. Maybe she'll grow up someday and appreciate the extended family. For your own sanity and that of your children, do not talk to her until she either a)grows up or b)agrees to counseling. She is toxic to your family and the chaos she leaves in her wake only disrupts the harmony you strive for.Good luck

Answer 6

The real answer is: Counceling. If you forgo that, you may be risking a divorce.

Additionally, it is HIS responsibility to work with his daughter. There are deffinatly residual feelings in her for whatever reason. I would suspect it has to do with how you and he got togeather. In any case, she has feelings, and they need to be dealt with. She is an adult now, and needs to understand that her actions towards her family (related and not) are not okay.

You really need to reach out to her without regard to your own feelings. If she rejects you compose yourself, and try again the next time.

All I can say is that it sounds like EVERYONE in that family units could use some counceling.

Good luck...

Answer 7

Depending on how long you've been married or a part of your husband's daughter's life, but give her space. When she wants to be mean walk away, continue to be nice to her and show her it doesn't bother you that she wants to be mean, but also show her that you don't have to be around her if she is going to be mean. In time, hopefully she will come to you and be nice on her own. She needs to get used to the idea that you are with her father. Also she continues to do it because its causing waves between you and her father and she knows it bothers you. Remember the old saying, you can't fight with someone if they won't fight with you. If you don't fight back, she will have no one to fight with. And if she knows its not bothering you she will find something else to do with her time. Invite her to your holidays or any other event that you would normally and continue to be yourself, but that doesn't mean you have to allow her to treat your poorly, again walk away.

Answer 8

That is a hard one,i went through a similar thing with my stepdaughter,she was vicious but i stayed and did the best i could maybe some counseling would help for you all its worth it.

Answer 9

look when ur dad whom u dearly love marrys someone else it hurts .... and the same thing is happening with ur stepdaugther
when she is alone sit down with ur husband and talk to her tell her that u care and how u felt when she insulted u it will take time but i think slowly like this some improvement will come

Answer 10

Don't let the little witch break up your marriage..Thats what she is trying to do ...believe me I have been there...I think the more you try to make her do something the less impact it will have..Leave her be let her be by herself when she gets lonely she will come back...She wants her daddy to be all hers and it just doesn't work that way...So stick to your guns DO NOT LET HER HAVE WHAT SHE WANTS !!!!.........I have been thru all of this with my husband bbut I stood my ground with his girls and was always nice to them and they finally came around...