i have a thirteen month old daughter that throws tantrums...?

Question

She is a good daughter and of course i don't expect much from her now, but she gets angry when she doesn't get her way and she would throw tantrums...i'm a parent who doesn't believe in hittin, but i do pat on her butt or lightly hit her hand if she gets out of hand...but when she's with my mother in law she does the same thing but she won't do anything about it...when i go and pick up my daughter i sometimes stay for a while and talk, but she'll come out with these comments especially when my daughter is doin something that she isnt suppose to be doin, she'll come out and say, watch out or u gonna get hit, or if u keep it up u gonna get hit...i feel she doesn't like the fact that i discipline my child first with words then a little pat here or there if she doesn't listen...please let me know if what i'm doin to my child is right...i just want my child to be well discipline and be well respected.

Answer 1

I personally don't see a problem with smacking your kid on the toosh once in a while. I don't know if it would work for a 13 month old like it does for older children, but try ignoring her when she throws a tantrum. Don't give her what she wants or pick her up and try to get her to stop screaming. If she knows she won't get her way when she acts that way, maybe she'll stop. Again, I'm not sure if it'll work on a 1 year old.
You might want to ask her doctor or someone else that may have had the same problem just to see how they handled it also (which is essentially what you're doing right now.)
As for your mother in law, I'd ignore her. I think there's a university agreement among them to be a pain in the ***. If you want, next time she says it, ask her if she could come up with a better suggestion on disciplining. Maybe she'll get the hint.

Answer 2

Anyone who says that a 13 month old can't "get out of hand" or can't "throw a tantrum" has either never had a child, or was blessed by the most well behaved child there ever was. For the rest of us..............
Ultimately, she is your daughter and you get to make the decission on how to discipline her. At 13 mo. she may not understand words, but she understands actions. And while I may not agree with hitting a child, I don't condem a swat on the butt and a stern "no". If that's what it takes to teach your child that there are consequences for her actions, then that's what you need to do. Otherwise, you're going to have a spoiled tantrum- throwing child that doesn't listen to anything you say. At 13 mo. she's reacting to how you react to her. You need to establish that you're in control and you know what's best. I don't think you should punish her for crying. When my step-daugter ( now 22 mo) would cry without a need reason (such as being hungry, thirsty, needing a diaper change, etc) I would show her a mirror and tell her to look how ridiculous she was being. I didn't coddle that behavior, I didn't ignore, I just simply didn't react emotionally. Now it is very rare for my step-daughter to cry unless she truly needs something. As far as your mom goes, you might be making too much out of nothing. Keep in mind, your mom already went through raising her children. She had to discipline and be the *tough* ruler, now that it's YOUR turn to raise children, your mom gets to sit back, spoil rotten, and do nothing but enjoy her grandchild. So, she may be hoping that a threat like "you're gonna get hit" will straighten your child up without having to follow through. No grandparent wants to have to yell at or hit their grandchild. So, you may feel frustrated at times, but take a deep breath and know that you're doing the right thing for your child. I wish we had more parents like you in the world who WEREN'T afraid of disciplining their children. Best of luck.

Answer 3

Smacking doesnt work. 4 out of 5 times it wont change a behaviour long term and it teaches children that it is ok to be pushed around by people bigger than you. Anyways that is my two cents worth about that.

I have a 3 year old son and an 18 month old son. Both of them are positively redirected. If the behaviour persist they are told a firm no and redirected. I find my 18 month old if redirected to something 'more interesting' will stop with the naughty stuff. My three year old is a bit different. He will be told in a little bit more detail, and at his level why he is doing what he is doing is naughty... if he insists he gets a time out.

Time out is in the babies cot. With the door closed for 3 minutes. Time starts when he stops throwing the wobbly. Then I will go in and get him. Go down to his level and explain why he was put there. Bring him out and redirect him to something else.

I know it sounds labour intensive.. but it works for me. I do not hit my kids. I understand though how some people can get so fed up. When I get fed up I put my 18 month old in his cot, put a movie on for the 3 year old and close my bedroom door for 10 minutes. If need be scream into your pillow. It works!

Cheers

Answer 4

As smacking is out - this just makes the situation worse - what I did the first and last time my daughter pulled that stunt on me was to douse her with a glass of water. She was so shocked that hse hasn't really attempted it again. She still gets her moods but as for an outright tantrum - hasn't happened again. I explained to her why I threw water at her and said I would do it everytime she throws a tantrum. Worked like a charm. Good luck!!!!!!

Answer 5

hmmmmmm......i know where your coming from on this one...
i dont know if this will help or i might not be answering it in the right way for you but..
when she does take a tantrum you are supposed to ignore her and wait till she is done and talk to her about it..
you could kindly suggest to the mother in law.. kinda sorta in a way.. say well at home we use time out.. if she act up or misbehaves improperly..and tell her that she has her own little spot that she has to sit in for 1min.. and/or have your mil. make a place for her a little mat to sit on or if she has a little area or a small bench or something like that ..and jsut say see we can use this for her time out spot and when she misbehaves we can sit her here for a min.. something like that...
other wise i know how do you tell her to not say that kind of words to your daughter.. its hard...

Answer 6

Talking to the child is important so that she knows that you dont like when she acts that way I think you should explain but right after you have to have a consequence like a time out and then after she is done you have to explain why she was on time out this works with my 15 month daughter

Answer 7

You are right to not hit her.
She is experimenting with everything, especially relationships, and seeing how far she can push people.
I find that the best way to reslove a tantrum is to just leave them alone, and ignore them. They are seeking attention,, and if it is withdrawn, then the tantrum will stop, and after a while se will learn that tantrums achieve nothing, so they will stop.

Answer 8

Yes, you are doing the right thing. If its only a little tap on the bottom, it just gets her attention and lets her know that her actions are not acceptable. My grand daughter is nearly 1, and when she misbehaves we just have to ask her if she wants to go into per playpen and she stops, since this is the worst punishment she can think of

Answer 9

a small tap on the butt or a small slap on the hand is not going to hurt the child....sounds like your mother in law is just plain being mean...this is your child...not hers....use whatever methods you feel are best in raising your child....

Answer 10

What a baby of about a year old is doing when she isn't happy isn't really a "tantrum" the way a two- or three-year old has a tantrum. A baby of your baby's age cries when she is unhappy. Its true that if you take something away from her that she wants she'll cry; but it is a different thing going on than what goes on when an older child has a tantrum. They're at a different stage in development, and what causes their tantrums is very different than the simple "upset" that your baby gets.

With a baby your daughter's age what you need to be doing over the next year (when she'll be better able to understand things you say) is to just kind of build a foundation of her trusting that you'll keep her safe and happy and not afraid and your establishing that you are the one who calmly sets a few rules. The rules for a one-year-old shouldn't be too numerous. Usually, babies her age just kind of walk around and investigate stuff. One rule you want to keep is that if she heads for something like electrical outlets you will say "no", pick her up, and try to get her mind on something else.

You have to decide how many things you want around the house that may catch her eye and that you want to be running over, saying "no", and distracting her with something else. You don't want too many "don't touch that's" because you'll be frustrating her and yourself. Still, this is a time when she is forming brain connections, and showing her that some things are not to be touched helps her brain "figure out" that there are some "no's" in the world.

A baby that age doesn't think she's doing things she shouldn't be doing, and she's just too young to know what she should be doing or not doing if you don't keep the "rules" simple (like "Do what you want, but stay away from the outlets and the dog").

If you don't have a bunch of stuff around that she shouldn't be getting into it will allow her enough freedom to play around with only the occasional "no". Babies this age understand the simple "no", particularly when you take them away from what they found so interesting.

I think the only time you should even consider a little smack on the hand is if she keeps going to the outlet, you take her away, she goes back, you take her away - and at some point a very gentle smack on her hand will give her the message.

I can't figure what you mean by "gets out of hand" when you're talking about a baby of thirteen months. Nothing they do is aimed at being naughty or fresh. If you do something like take them away from a toy they want to play with they will cry loud, but that isn't getting out of hand. That's being thirteen months old.

The year between one and two years old is a time when you can make your baby feel safe and loved, try to keep her from getting too frustrated by doing things she doesn't want or else if you have to do something she doesn't want try to find a way to get her mind on something else or make a game of it. If you aim to keep her feeling as happy as possible she won't get spoiled or think you ought to do things her way for the rest of time. If you try to keep from upsetting her now while she is a baby and needs to feel as happy and calm as possible and while she can't understand a lot of words, you will develop a relationship with her in which she trusts you to make things ok for her.

Once she gets to be two and can understand more words, you'll already have a solid relationship; and she'll tend to listen to you more. Your role over the next couple of years is kind of teacher and protector. Babies and toddlers don't need a whole lot of discipline (or at least obvious discipline). What happens if you are a calm teacher and person who protects her as much as possible from upset is that you will build a relationship with her in which she'll want to please you, the person she'll come to admire and trust so much. Discipline at this stage is more about teaching rather than punishing.

Babies go through the first couple of years with their brains and bodies developing. During the second year they "specialize" in forming more of a social relationship. They need to first figure out that they are separate from their mother. Around two they need to show how separate they are while, at the same time, knowing their mother remains close by. It isn't really until a toddler gets to be more past two and closer to three that you really have to start thinking about their doing something they know is fresh or wrong.

If you do what you can now to keep things as smooth as possible between you and your daughter she'll be a happy baby, and that's what will make her brain develop best. You can talk to her even though she may not completely understand everything you say. You can play with her. You can decide when she should go to bed. Generally, though, you shouldn't have to be thinking about disciplining her right now because a one-year-old isn't out to "pull crap" on people, doesn't know all the rules, and isn't out to manipulate adults. They're just one.

If you treat your baby with respect and expect her (once she's old enough) to also treat you with respect, and if you just set some simple rules about behavior when she's old enough, she'll probably be well disciplined and respected.

She's going to get angry when she doesn't get her way because she's only, essentially, a year old. That's not being a naughty child. The world is still new to her, her brain is still developing, she still needs to learn a whole lot of things about socializing and behavior in different places.

At thirteen months your baby can't know what she's supposed to do and what she's not supposed to do. She can learn the isolated thing, like don't touch the outlets, but that's about it. If she gets upset she needs you to comfort her or distract her from the thing that has upset her. She can pick up a ball (ok) or Grandma's vase (not ok) but she doesn't know that, and if she gets a smack for the vase she has no idea why she got the smack; and she'll end up being confused and thinking her mother smacks her willy-nilly.

I can't help wonder if your mother-in-law thinks you shouldn't be smacking a baby this young but doesn't want to say it because she knows its your baby and she shouldn't say anything. I've taken the time to write this because I have raised three kids without any little smacks or any yelling (with the exception of a couple of electrical outlet situations with one of my babies). My kids were always very well behaved in school and when visiting and at home. (I'm not saying they didn't do things wrong, but they were all generally well behaved and respectful and respected.)

It is certainly not wrong of you to want her to be a well behaved child and be well respected as an individual, but right now you seem to be maybe forgetting (or not quite realizing) how young thirteen months old is. If you treat her with respect and understanding and try to keep her from being too upset, those are the things she'll learn and eventually copy.

If you have not read it yet, do a search for "Children Learn What They Live". Its a really nice verse written about children. You may also want to go to www.zerotothree.org and read about a baby's brain development. If your baby is allowed to be too stressed out or upset now her brain will form connections that make her "brain chemicals" respond with too much cortisol, and for the rest of her life she could over-respond to stress. This could lead to her having learning problems in school.

Maybe, too, ask your mother-in-law her opinion about even minor hitting of the baby. See if you both can just have a calm, candid, conversation about how she'd do things.

Obviously, you want what is right for your baby. I didn't want all my words to seem like a lecture, but I'm under the impression you may be a young mother with a first baby and you may not be experienced enough with children to realize how young thirteen months old is.