Help me!!!?

Question

I need good advice only. Ok here goes...
My husband's brother just got into big trouble I'm talking court involved. Anyways he is an adult(18) & still lives with mom, she is at her wits end with him & is ready to kick him out. So big bro wants to help. He would have to transfer schools, & live with us. It scares me because he smokes carelessly, I'm afraid he will burn my home down. Also he steals & drinks, not to mention does or has done drugs. I want to help out family, but I don't want to lose my home, or stress out over this person. He has no job & everyone we find is not good enough for him, he has no car, has been caught drinking & doing drugs. If he moves I want to set rules like no smoking in the house, no friends over unless supervised, 9 o' clock cerfew, & a 30 day altamadem to get a job & start paying rent & utilities. Am I being overly b***** about this? Or should I just tell my husband sorry, but no. He is a big family man & I know this would crush him.

Answer 1

let your husband to take decisios
dont say its not a good advice
sadi ke bad akkal kam nahi hooni chahiye

Answer 2

Taking responsibilty for the household and setting boundaries and house rules in order to accomodate another person into your lifestyle does not make you a b*****. It' s smart.

By the same token, neither you nor your husband will want to take on the role of Parent to the 18 year old brother who feels like an adult. I can tell you this, neither of you will be able to "fix" the brother. You can hope for the best - but he is - what he is. If you choose to take him in, do not expect him to change his behaviors. You can guide him, you can show him the way and you can set the rules of the house and communicate the consequences of what will happen if those rules are broken. Based on what you've written...he will probably break them. But you cannot force him to follow the rules. He will probably smoke in the house. He will probably have friends over. He will probably break the 9pm curfew, and so on.

Your husband sound like a kind and caring man. I understand the need to take care of family. I've taken in several family members for several reasons. It's really hard and heartbreaking when the person you want to help takes advantage of your good nature. It's hard on your emotions, your peace of mind, your health, your finances, and it strains relationships with others in the family.

So, I recommend that you support your husband in whatever decision he makes about it. Your husband probably wants to give his mother some relief. You don't have to be seen as the b****. Give up having the final say. You don't need to take a stand in the matter if you trust your husband to do what's right.

What you can do is guide your husband to make the decision you want him to make. Help him think it through by asking him questions and you just listening to the answers without arguing while he thinks it through.
Talk about what he would like to accomplish by taking in his brother and what he's trying make happen.
Ask him what other options does his brother have besides moving in. How will this help his brother? If he's firmly set on taking in his brother, let him help create the boundaries and house rules. What will he say to his brother? What if his brother doesn't want to move in? If he does move in, ask him how he will enforce the house rules and what should be the consequences. Ask him how will you both be able to accomodate the increase in the grocery bill, the electricity bill, the water bill, etc.

Explore options yourself that make sense and share them with your husband if he needs help. However, It just may be your own guidance and influence that will make a difference in the brother's life. (Because he's made some bad choices, doesn't necessarily mean he is a bad person.)
In any case, let your husband knows that you are on his side (through good or bad). You can disagree with him and still support him. Just don't let the challenge of this situation drive a wedge between you two.

Whatever happens, I wish you wisdom and grace and peace of mind.

Answer 3

This kid is a self destructive lost cause. Moving in with you two is the worst possible mistake you guys will ever make. It's not going to help him and at this point in his life he doesn't care who he destroys. If he doesn't care about himself there is no way he will care about you or any one else. He isn't going to listen to you or follow any ones rules. He is living in a hopeless drug induced dead-end life style. If you let him move in he will destroy everything that you've worked for.Tell your husband it's either you or that pathetic addict. In the end that's what it will come down to and you will be the one forced to move out. You really need to stand your ground on this and your husband needs to back you up. Family man or not your husband isn't helping him by letting him impose himself in your lives. He will never get any help by leaching off others. Time for a serious dose of tough love. Let the courts make him get drug intervention and have him move into a half way house. Put him into a drug treatment facility because that may be the only way he could possibly get his life turned around. Legally he is an adult now and needs to face adult consequences of his actions. Therapy, councelling, probation whatever it takes.You and your husband mean well but this guy is too far gone and too out of control for for either one of you to handle him. You two should not be the ones stuck dealing with him. You won't be able to handle him! Make the courts and the law stipulate and mandate the necessary and detrimental action needed concerning his future. You can stand by him and be there for him while he gets the help he needs. But that is as far as you both can go.

Answer 4

Given his past history, I think those are reasonable rules. Your marriage and home have to come before your brother-in-law. Don't let him move much stuff in, only what he needs at a bare minimum until he proves he can live up to the rules. Your husband should agree that if he can't, he goes. It might be a good idea to sit down with your husband and put all this in writing before you allow this person into your house.

Answer 5

First off. 18 years old does not make him an adult. In many cases age is only an excuse to be able to drink leagaly . More importantly its YOUR house not his so its YOUR rules that he has to abide by period. If he doesnt like them he can do what ADULTS do and find his own place . His conduct in your house should determine what privliges he can enjoy . So many people are unappreciative for what they have even if its just a roof over thier head . Be hard nosed about it and dont give in its YOUR HOUSE

Answer 6

If he is doing drugs, you need to INSIST that he go to rehab and get clean BEFORE you let him into your home! You will ALL be happier and better off if he does. There are state supported rehabs that will help with the funding if that is an issue. The best thing your husband could ever do for his brother is to help him get his life straight through rehab.

Answer 7

Im sorry but at 18 legally you are an adult (well in Australia you are anyway) and you are supposed to be responsible for your own actions. I wouldnt accept him into my home if I were you unless he told me he was going to start cleaning up his act and making a conserted effort in doing so otherwise he should find home elsewhere.

Answer 8

Having this person could hurt your marriage. If you feel uncomfortable about explaining this to your husband, the two of you should talk to a counselor, a clergy member, or a trusted family member or friend.

Answer 9

This is definately something you and your husband need to discuss BEFORE dear brother comes to live with you. You are equally responsible for the house and the contents of the house, therefore you should be equally responsible in making decisions about who can live there and under what conditions. With dear brother's history, I don't think you're being completely unreasonable in wanting to set up some structure, rules and limits for dear brother to follow. I do, however, think the 9pm curfew is a little strict for an 18 year old. However, I don't think I would give him the keys to your home so that he couldn't be inside and tempted to steal/destroy anything while you're gone. Try not to be too negative when talking with your hubby. You need to put a positve spin on this, so both of you can "win" in this situation. I would approach dear hubby and say something like:

Honey, I know you really want to help out your parents and your brother, but I'm having some serious doubts about how much we can afford to help them. I want so much to be able to help, but with "dear brother's" (insert his name) long history of getting into trouble and this latest incident -- I'm not sure our home is the best place for him. Please don't misunderstand, honey, I don't mind him coming to live with us but I do think we need to set down some ground-rules for "dear brother" while he's staying here with us. At 18, I feel like he should be responsible enough to get a job and pay his fair-share of the bills, and I think it would be reasonable for him to do this within a month of coming to live with us -- or, at least, to show proof that he is really looking, applying and interviewing for jobs in our area. I don't think it would unreasonable to ask him to smoke outside, not to drink or do drugs in our home, and not to bring his friends into our home when were not here. Also, given his history of trouble, I think it would be a good idea to have him safely home by 11pm (or your bedtime) unless he's scheduled to work later than that. I think, for our own sanity, that we need to set a deadline time for "dear brother" to find his own place to live and move out -- say something like 3 or 6 months? I really do want to help out "dear brother", but I also think that setting some rules and limits is going to be the very best way we can help him. What do you think?

Then let hubby have his say, and negotiate until you come to some sort of an agreement. Then type it up like a rental contract, and have "dear brother" read and sign it -- preferably in front of a notary. That way, when push comes to shove, you have a way to shove "dear brother" out of your home when he abuses or over-stays his welcome. Good luck!