Please help, my mother-in-law is very unfair with how she divides her time amongst the kids/grand-kids.?

Question

My mother-in-law lives in a different town from both my family and my husbands sisters family. She tells us she is going to come and visit but cancels out at the last minute. However she unshamedly will tell us that the previous weekend she spent with my sister-in-laws family. I am confused as to why as there have been no outward problems. She states that she doesn't like driving on the highway however she has to drive to get to my sister-in-laws as well. It has really started to get to me because my children are getting older and starting to notice. It hurts to see them get disappointed each time she cancels out. She has even done it for birthdays for my kids whereas she never misses my sister-in-laws kids birthdays. I really need some advice as I am sick of stewing over it. Thanks.

Answer 1

coming from a person who has "that kind" of a mother in law, i can tell you she's fully aware of what she's doing. but don't take it personally, alot of it could be that she is just closer to her daughter (if it's her daughter, and not daughther in law). stuff like that you have no control over. i think alot of how grandparents act towards their grandkids are the way the feel about the parents of the grandkids. i would just not include her in as much stuff, not so much for spite, but so that your kids don't get disappointed at the cancellations. and your husband should tell her that if she cancels again, she won't be invited next time b/c of how much it hurts the kids to be disappointed. it really is your husband that should be dealing with his mother, not you. he'll always be her son, you are just a daughter in law. it's not personal. hope this helps.

Answer 2

Well first of all don't tell the kids when she's planning on coming that way when she cancels yet again the kid's feeling won't be hurt. Other than that there's nothing you can do. Unfortunately some grandma's play favorites. You can't change her so don't even try. Maybe stop inviting her to the kids parties and if she asks why she was excluded then simply say you didn't think she was interested since she's never came before. Or maybe you can even offer to go pick her up since she doesn't have to drive. Hope i've helped.

Answer 3

Girl I go through the same thing with my mother in law. Luckily, my children are still toddlers. Her other grandchild is a toddler also and she is court ordered to get her other grandchild every other weekend (long story) so she spends time with one grandchild and just forgets about my two children. I have figured out there is no amount of talking or telling her that she is hurting her grandkids that will change it. I just don't let her get their hopes up anymore about her picking them up. She always calls and makes plans with them and then doesn't show. I feel for you but if she's been doing it to your kids this long I doubt she will ever stop. Like I told her, when she is old and lonely in a nursing home she will see how she treated her kids/grandkids. So just don't let it bother you. OR TRY:)

Answer 4

As moms we love our children equally and it hurts when someone treats one better then the other or makes over one set of kids and not the other.
My oldest daughters bio-father never was there for her... her grandfather used to let his new wife treat my daughter like crap and her grandkids like kings. Her grandmother told her bad things about me but only came to see her 6 times out of 10 years... so I tried the talking and dealing with it... I even put up with it to save face, no fighting policy. One day I had enough, my daughters feelings hurt, (i have 2 other children) her step dad was more of her dad anyway, so I just told them next time they called that I wouldn't let her know that they called, I would not let her be hurt anymore, because they are not there to pick up the pieces, are they? So you have to decide if you will put up with it or talk to her. Most likely when you talk to her she will act like she has done nothing wrong... stand your ground, these are your children and don't deserve to feel less important. I would tell her if she couldn't come see them when she planned it, then not to come back. Don't tell the kids she is suppose to come so when she cancels it doesn't hurt them...

Good luck from a mother to a mother...

Answer 5

I think you need to accept the fact that your MIL is selfish and unfair, and not mentally or emotionally capable of reasoning things through in a loving adult way.

Stop holding her to a standard that you would expect to hold a regular grandmother to, and hold her to a lower one. She has interest in your kids, and thats about all you're going to get from her.

It might help also if you start turning the tables. When she makes plans to come visit, you be the one to call and cancel.

It might help to if you call your sister in law and explain your mother in laws behavior to her, and ask her for her help in what to do about it.

Whats your husband to say in all this? Has anyone confronted her about her behavior? Maybe its time you all did. All parents, and all grandkids. It might do her some good to realize she's hurting her children and more importantly her grandchildren.

BUt when it boils down to it, your MIL has severe personality flaws that effect not only her life, but the lives of those around her.

You should explain to your kids that grammas are people too, and they can act immature and hurt feelings, but it doesnt mean you dont love them, or that she doesnt love them. It just means she's acting childish and selfishly.

Answer 6

This is normal for alot of grandparents. My mom is less involved in my kids then my mother in law is. But ya know what, it really is what you see and how your kids feel. I think you need to talk to her, or write her a letter or something. Although, if you do write a letter, then write it and keep it for a week then read it again and make sure it says what you want it to say, before you give/mail it to her. (don't want to send something that you might regret later.) This is a great way to share your feelings and make it known that you and the kids know she is not spending adequate amounts of time with your kids. Mabey she will realize and change? mabey not. But this way, you said your piece.

Answer 7

Well the honest truth is that grandparents do have their favorites! There's nothing you can do about it.

My sister has 2 children that my parents have practically raised and I can't get her to watch my daughter to go out with my husband! We've eaten out alone twice and my daughter is over 3 yrs old! My parents even talk about how well behaved my little girl is....so it's not that she's hard for them to handle. It pisses me off but you can't make them do what they don't want to do.

Answer 8

Here's an idea. Why don't you ask her. Ask your husband to talk to her and let her know how much this disappoints your children. Talk to your sister-in-law, see if she has anything to say and reevaluate your relationship with you MOLand figure out if you've done anything that may have hurt her.

Answer 9

Talk to her or have your husband talk to her. Chances are that she doesn't realize what she's doing. If she DOES realize what she's doing, I would recommend not telling your children that she's coming so that they don't get too let down if she cancels. Perhaps you could take them to her house more often as well???

Answer 10

Tell her how hurt your kids are when she cancels out on them. Tell her that your kids miss her. It will make her feel guilty without it sounding like you are trying to make trouble.