I am consumed with guilt over my alcoholic father's death, he died alone from a heart attack 4 years ago?

Question

I loved him dearly but I disliked his drunken company and antics but I can't get over the fact that I never said goodbye or maybe didn't look after him properly but I really found it hard to see him. Most of all I constantly torture myself over what he went through on his own the night he died. I am now unhealthily obsessed with the death of my remaining nearest and dearest and don't know what to do. I am 39, my sister(who has the same probs) is 31.

Answer 1

i have been raised with an alcoholic family....mother, her husband, 2 uncles and 1 aunt, so i know full well what you mean about not wanting to be around your dad, i had this every day for a long time, eventually i gave up and left, one of my family members died, she was lovely sober but horrible drunk, but i loved her, i used to visit her more because she was not as bad as the others, she was 32 when she died i blamed myself because, that day, i should have been there but i couldn't make it, she died alone, no one there with her, i tortured myself for years wondering what it was like for her as she was dying and no one was there to help, i felt so sad for her.... i felt guilty and i could not sleep, so i know exactly how you feel... i watched the rest of my family ruin themselves and i had to do something about it and decided to try and get them help....2 have not touched a drink in 11 months, the rest wont have it....they want to stay drunk, but i tried...i have helped myself tackle my obsession about my aunt, i see now that alcoholism is a disease....so please do not blame yourself over your dads death you have to stop thinking like that....just take one day at a time, he would like you to be happy....bless you....x

returnofkarlos.......congratulations.....i admire you....keep going

Answer 2

Apparently, naturally high levels of testosterone help avoid heart attacks. The second link says that there haven't been any good (well-controlled) studies of whether testosterone supplements increase cardiovascular risk . . . . So if there is a link, it isn't scientifically established. I'm very sorry to hear about your loss, but I think you might be better off exploring why your father went to a doctor about shortness of breath and low energy, and the doctor gave him testosterone without finding an enlarged heart - it sounds like the doctor failed to discover this vulnerability, then gave him something that increased his energy, increasing his risk . . . . (NOT a doctor, so I could be way off, but my dad's had some signicant heart issues so I know enough to be dangerous, I suppose.)

Answer 3

I am sure if there was any way you could have helped him, you would have.People like your father is on a destructive course. Not only for themselves but, the ones they love and love them back.Unfortunately, the booze controlled his life and if you could have stopped that i also think you would have. Don't beat yourself up. He was a lost sole. Don't you become a statistic over something you had no control over.I am sure you have other family members other than your sister. You and your sister need to focus on those that can still be helped. If it would make you feel better you could even volunteer some time in a recovery center. Maybe if you understand the monkey that was on your dads back you will realize there was not thing you could have done for him, but there are those you can help.

Answer 4

I have been an alcoholic for 20 years but I gave up 9 months ago with medical help and a lot of support. I had alienated all my friends and family but that didn't bother me as long as I had my drink! I have friends now that are still drinking and I cant bare to be in their company. Even in my darkest moments when my brain was puddled, I knew I had to get things together before it was too late. I have a 14 yr. old daughter that I was losing. In the end I managed to get help through my persistence. Anyway my point is...I was severely dependent on alcohol and in a terrible state resulting in one of the longest detox's that the clinic had ever done but it was me thatmade the decision to get my life back so that my friends/ family would have me back in their lives. They take the piss out of me now about the state I was in back then and they make it perfectly clear that they wont tolerate any drunken crap off me again.Please try and rid yourself of this guilt because it is so hard to deal with alcoholics. My mum who is a professional counsellor had given up on me in the end! It was my fault and my problem and once I started trying to get well again everyone was there for me. I hope this helps you see things from an alcoholics perspective

Answer 5

Having been in similar situation(husband was alcoholic, committed suicide). The first reaction from his family was that I never looked after him enough, my daughter stopped bringing round my grandchild. I believed in my heart at first that his drinking was my fault, his state of mind was my fault, but as time has gone on I have learn-ed to accept that at the end of the day he was not prepared to help himself, and I spent the best part of 30 years trying to get him sober/help. It will be 5 years on 9th Nov. Try to look back on any good times, and silly situations, talk about him, laugh at some of things he got up to.(this is my therapy especially when I am alone). But more to the Point Loose the Guilt.

Answer 6

What you describe is more common than you may think. Most people just don't talk about it & they suffer in silence until their drying day. This is the legacy that our alcoholic parents leave us with. A life filled with thier own guilt that ia transferred onto us upon their death! We are the children of alcoholics. More specifically, we are the ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS & even if we never touched a drop of alcohol, our thinking would still be out of wack because we have been raised in an environment that has left us with our perceptions clouded & our judgement biased against us. We are, in fact, our own worst enemies. I urge you to start going to a few ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) Meeting in your area & learn about life from a survivors point of view. You & your Sister are now survivors. You had no part in making your Father what he eventually became. His death was his own & you could not have changed anything about it. You must believe me when I tell you that your childhood was stolen from you & your siblings, much in the same way that your Father was just an empty shell of what he was before the alcohol permanently took away what he once was & could have been. You cannot change the past. You can only go forward & heal from your shattered lives. You need to learn how to re-parent yourself as an adult & do what was denied to you as a child. Chances are that your parents never meant to hurt you. They suffered in their own childhoods too. Forgive yourself before your end up just like the people you grieve over. Please start learning & forgiving yourselves & them as soon as you can. Good Luck! :o)

Answer 7

It seems you are suffering from survivor's guilt. I think you should try to get some advice on how to best come to terms with what has happened. None of it was of your doing; life is often cruel, taking a loved one from us unexpectedly. Could you see your doctor, he may be able to direct you to the support you need. I do hope things work out for you, you seem to have a caring heart; if you didn't you would not feel the way you do. Good luck!

Answer 8

This in my opinion is another 'Hollywood complex'. By this i mean that, just because in films people die in perfect circumstances - most often with their loved ones around them and say 'goodbye; a final time, this is NOT REALITY!.....In years past, do you think people in wars, in times when travel was difficult, or communication was difficult, that people has the chance to do this?No.....And now - except for in the movies - they dont either. It is just a case of separating that 'perfect hollywood senario' which undoubtably is engrained in the modern mentality, and instead coing to terms with the base realities of death......Death is not planned, it is not something to be savoured as a menory.....Death is nothing more than random end of life. Noone really knows exactly when it will occurr. Thus it is a case of coming to terms with your fathers death, noth th ecircumstances under which it happens - as much of a pleasent distraction these can be!......On a side-note, i do not deal with your father's issues, as i believe these to be irrelevant. Every (wo)man has their demons, and i think that everyone accepts his/her demons are their own personal fault - the way they were made. We meet our fate as we do - the way we do is largely irrelevant.

Answer 9

dont really know how to start to answer but here we go im 33 and drink a bottle every night i do a lot of things that people dont like im healthy 33 with a loving partner and i drink because i want to i have thought of stopping but its an obsession like smoking you get the bug you can stop no matter what. there must of been something that was still on his mind that kept him drinking he drank because he want to block something or feel numb. dont beat yourself he took alcohol do deal with his feelings you are not to blame remember the good times and how much you loved him keep him close to your heart hes watching over you dont make the same mistake

Answer 10

In a nutshell, you can't blame yourself. If you had stayed close with your father, his problems could have dragged you down, too. It will always be hard knowing that you didn't get to say goodbye, but you have to make your peace with it, and know that if you love him, and tell him so, he will hear you. It might be worth looking into some therapy to help you deal with the guilt.