How to deal with my bipolar husband? I feel like I am losing myself.?

Question

When he is good, he is very good, sweet, romantic, helpful.

But more times than not, he is lazy, doesn't communicate, unmotivated, self centered, and moody. I am having a hard time differentiating the swings from sheer laziness. I am responsible for everything solely on my own, I work, cook for the family, take care of the baby, grocery shop, laundry, clean house, etc. He does nothing. Some nights he will warm the baby's bottle between watching football games. I feel like leaving. I want to get a boyfriend who can care and unserstand and listen to me. I feel like hurting myself. I feel all of those things yet I would do none of them. I feel like a jack in the box waiting to explode from the box. We have a son. I feel sorry for him and do my best to spend time with him and make him think everything is ok. But it's not. I have never felt so alone in my life. I almost think being abuised would be better than his silence. I feel, as if I am literally, losing it. He maxed all our ccards.

He is diagnosed as bipolar for 5 years, He has taken every sort of med and med mix you can imagine.

I am at the point that I will try anything. He doesn’t go to counseling anymore, he had a “low” immediately after we got married and was on disability for almost 7 months. His meds were adjusted several times during that period and he stabilized. Now I see he is dipping into another “low” but he denies it. He isn’t willing to go to the dr. now. He drinks every night, from 2 to 6 beers per night, and he chews tobacco all day and night long. He isn’t willing to give up either of those things. He doesn’t think beer or tobacco affect him in any way. I have tried threatening him, consoling him, talking to his parents, going to the dr. with him, ignoring him, getting mad at him, reasoning with him. Nothing works.

Answer 1

I'm bi-polar and put my wife through living hell for 4+ years till they got my meds right. I've been in counselling to deal with this for 10 years. Frankly,
a) The bi-polar is a misdiagnosis because alot of what you write sounds like an untreated depression.
b) The up side is a strange form of manic.
Get him to a psychiatrist - they have a far better handle on the meds than an average GP.
Find a trade-off caregiver / someone you can get to relieve you once a week or so for several hours.
I suspect you said sickness/health in your vows and doubt it included boyfriend or if you were sick, girlfriend.
Has he applied for Soc.Sec. Disability - remember, it usually takes at least 1 appeal to go through. There are lawyers who will take their fee out of the award.
Write anytime if you want to release the pent-up. As I said, I am bi-polar and as I didn't say, a pastor.

Answer 2

Dealing With A Bipolar Spouse

Answer 3

Bipolar does not cause laziness, but being allowed to use it for an excuse is quite probable. The are medicatons for the treatment of depression and mood swings. If regulated properly your husband should function as any other human, which does not mean he would be productive or anything besides what he is already. How long have you carried this load? Most important, are you still in love with your husband? Staying for the sake of your son is an excuse, I have never known of a child growing up happy in an unhappy envirnoment. If you are in love with your husband, offer to stand by him while he gets medical help, once that is done, you speak to him about how you feel. If he is not directed or grown up enough to carry at least his share of this load, please do not hurt yourself where would that leave your son? No one enters a marriage with thoughts of divorce ; but, sometimes things and problems becomes obstacles without solution. If you decide to leave I would hope that you and your husband will remember, your son was not included in the decision to be married nor in the fact he was born. He loves you both, allow him to love you both without feeling guiltly or responsible. The feeling you have right now are bound to be spilling over, especially if you have considered harming yourself.
It is time to stop, ask for help; once your rested and have time to fully think about this situation you will be able to make a valid decision. No one wants to be alone, but don't involve another person until you know which direction you are going. Being alone with your child is not a bad thing either. Then together you can find someone to share your life with if you so choose. But timeouts are necessaray when problems and situations linger.
Good luck, and please know everything will be alright no matter what your decision as long as you have given it sincere thought and said a few prayers.

Answer 4

You can't make someone change, and you can't make them get help if they don't think they have a problem. Also, you need to consider if you are allowing him to fall back into this behavior too easily. If it was just the bipolar thing I would say give it time, and be more consistent in making sure he is under a doctor's care and taking medication as necessary. The alcoholism is his choice, and unless that stops immediately I would just leave. If he really loves you and your child, he will do what needs to be done to keep you from leaving for good, or fix his problems so that you will come back.

Answer 5

Honey, the worse thing about bipolar people is that they don't realize that are sick. They don't see the mood changes, they don't realize that the things they are doing are wrong, they don't think they have any problems. I have a cousin, who has it, and he's ok, until he gets off the meds. He thinks he's well, and quits taking the pills, and he goes from a meek and mild person, to someone, who's holding his wife hostage. He's lazy too, he doesn't even run his own bath water. I think part of it is, that everyone in the family lets him get by with being lazy. He has a big heart, but he's very moody some days, and it's hard to deal with him. Again, I think it's because they just try to please him, and they just don't want to make him upset. So, they let him do what he wants-when he wants-how he wants. Is it fair to the rest of the family-NO. But this is how they deal with him. He has stopped his meds 5 different times over the years, and he has been admitted everytime to get him back straight.

Your husband could be just lazy. He's got to take those meds, if he doesn't then he's going to be difficult to deal with. He needs to see the counslers, but if he won't then there's not much more that you can do. What you have to realize is this-it's not all the bipolar. Some of these could just be meanness. Bipolar is a very difficult thing to deal with, and the people having to live with has to be so upset and at a loss as to why.

Honey, please if you can't handle this, then leave. Don't hurt yourself, when it gets to the point that you are thinking about hurting yourself then it's time. Your baby needs a healthy parent, emotionally and physically. I know you feel you are losing it, and sweetie, you need the counsler just as much as he does. You need someone to help you deal with the pressures that you are under. You don't have to face this by yourself, please seek help for yourself. You are living a roller coaster existence, and you can't hold on forever like this. You have to some kind of stability in your life, and I think you should go to the doctor and get some emotional help now. Then make your decision, get your head on straight, and do some hard questioning of what you can and can't handle anymore. You are the only one that can make this choice. I wish I had a magic wand to make this problem go away, but honey, this is a life time thing. Bipolar just doesn't go away, if the person suffering from it doesn't deal with it with treatments of counseling and meds then they can lead a normal life, and the people around them certainly can't.

You have a son that needs a happy and healthy Momma. I pray that you find the answers, and that you have the strength to deal with the solution.

God bless us all.................

Answer 6

It's time for someone else to get into therapy - you. You need to talk to a disinterested professional about how you deal with someone who has bipolar. Also, family counseling is called for -- this relationship isn't working for you, and it's okay to say that, to your husband, to your therapist. It's okay to push for changes so that the relationship is better for you, your child and your husband.

This isn't just about his bipolar - it's about what kind of parents you are and what, by your behavior and his, you're teaching your child about how people treat themselves and each other. You need to provide a healthy environment for your child, and you can't do that without providing one for yourself.

He can choose to participate in treatment, or not. It's okay for you to set parameters for how you and your child are to be treated. One option would be to live apart for a while, while you try to work things out.

If he won't go to family counseling, if he won't make changes, then you have to ask yourself the famous Ann Landers question - "are you better off with him, or without him?"

Bipolar's a serious illness, and the best way to deal with someone who is mentally ill is to be informed and get support, so you can keep your perspective healthy. Good luck!

Answer 7

Alcohol and anti-depressants DO NOT mix. Are you going to counseling? You need to. You need to learn how to handle the emotions (and stress) you are having to deal with. If he keeps dipping into his lows, is he even still taking his meds? You need to look out for you and your son first. It isn't healthy for either of you to live in that situation, if your husband is not going to try to help himself. If he doesn't change (go to therapy and stay on his meds) then you will explode. Your son probably already knows things are not right. Even a 2 year old knows when there is tension in the house. There are support groups also for families of people with depression. Check into it. Your son doesn't need to be around it.

Answer 8

does he work? see my husband works 50-60 hours per week, and I take care of my 2 kids, and run the household. You need counseling. and if your husband is indeed bi-polar he need meds. I hate labeling people like that, and I feel like we have coe up with a sickness for everything. when he is being lazy....he IS being lazy. He may be using this bi-polar crap as an excuse to not do anything, because he may be depressed. You guys need professional help, someone who can counsel you.

Answer 9

For starters take the cards off his name, second is he getting counciling? Bipolor is pretty serious thing, with the right medication and counciling, and him not drinking or doing drugs on the pills he should get back to normal. You can go to group support meetings where other people are going through the same problems. and as far as someone to talk to you can im me or e-mail me i know a lot about bipoloar and manic depression. [e-mail] I will be more than happy to talk to you, you can make it through this.

Answer 10

If you can not get medical help for your husband get family counseling. You need to be able to take control of your life. You are not responsible for your husband or moods. While working things out with professional help you need to remember it is not your fault that he is unable to meet your expectations or his own. There should be a non profit or social services available for you.