What do i do about my mom.?

Question

Im 22 and live in the same city as my mom. In the past 5 years or so she has attempted suicide twice, hasnt held a job due to depression and work injuries. she has not stuck with any mental health doctor. about 9 months ago my mom hurt her back lifting a patint (shes a nurse) and has two herniated discs. workmans comp has stoped giving her checks and we are in the process of fighting it and are expecting a setlement to cover her surgery and expenses. with bad credit and unable to work she has gotten depressed again. as her only family im the only one to help, and it may sound awful but im sick of it. the back thing im ok with helping for but not becuase she wont get out of bed to even try to work. ugh. im fed up and dont know what to do. how can i go back to school next fall and start a normal life for myself when my mom continues to need me. (she also expects my help she feels shes entitled to being taken care of - at least thats how it seems most of the time.) any tips?

sorry theres so much- just to clarify - she has no money left very soon, is supposed to be looking for work with her company as a hr person is also looking for jobs for her within her company. ive tried motivating her but she just keeps getting worse and it makes me sad and angry and im out of ideas. especialy since we have been in this situation at least 3 times before

Answer 1

you poor thing. no parent should treat their kid that way. or act that way around their kid. tell your mom that you love her, but your relationship is being strained. you are acting as the enabler. if the roles were reversed, would she seriously let YOU "mooch" off of her?

Answer 2

Being in constant pain is, in itself, very depressing. Depression can make it so that you don't feel like getting out of bed and with 2 herniated disks, she must be suffering alot, not to mention the fact that she has probably worked and taken care of herself, her entire life, and now that she is unable, it is driving her crazy. Nursing is a very difficult job, one that can't be done with a really bad back. I am sure that when you were sick, or hurt, she took care of you. As with alot of families, it usually falls upon only one family member to take care of the one that is sick or injured. Trust me when I say, it's easier that way. There is no arguing about which doctor she should go to, or what treatment. So, give your mother a break. She raised you, cared for you. The least you can do, is care for her when she is in need. No offense intended. Good Luck !!!!!!

Answer 3

Is she willing to try ECT(electroconvulsive therapy)? I have suffered from major depression most of my life and have attempted suicide several times. I've tried about every antidepressant on the market and none worked well enough for me to be able to function. My depression worsened the physical pain that I have...CFS and fibromyalgia. Finally, in July, my therapist recommended we try ECT. I was in-patient for 2 1/2 weeks and had 7 ECT treatments. The results have been amazing!!!!! I am no longer depressed. I cook and I clean and I leave my house. I am there for my kids and my husband in a way that I haven't ever been there for them. My husband has had to adjust to me leaving the house and taking care of him. I'm going back to school myself.

On the other hand, you are an adult now and have a right to live your own life. Your mom is not entitled to be taken care of....loved yes....taken care of at the expense of your own life no. If she can't work and she has no money there are govt. programs that can help her. That may sound cold but my children have gotten on with their lives even before I had my ECT. It's your job to live your life.

Good luck...I hope your mom can get the help she needs because you need to have a life also. You can e-mail me at [e-mail] if you want to talk more about the ECT.

Answer 4

You are in between a rock and a hard place for sure.

I have read many posts like this on here before, and there is no easy answer to them, if there is one at all.

1st I recommend finding a good psychiatrist for her, with weekly meetings and a prescription for antidepressants.

I know it's hard being in your situation, but you also have to understand that your mom may have biologically based depression, which is the hardest to treat and overcome, so it may not be her fault that she can't get out of bed or go get help herself.

It seems to me that if you don't care for her, then no one will, and you know that's not an option.

If she is not on Medicaid for some reason, you need to get her on it, because mental illness qualifies her to be eligible for it, and at least that way you wouldn't have to be paying for all her medical expenses out of pocket.

Contact your local or city hospital (or the best one you can find if possible) and try to get her admitted into the psychiatric ward.

That will at least buy you some time to wait for the woman's comp settlement and to get her qualified for Medicaid, which again, she IS eligible for and which would pay for all the health services she needs.

Another option if and when she gets on Medicaid would be a home nursing program, which Medicaid and/or your local hospital may provide.

That would just be a nurse coming to her house or apartment every day to take care of her and talk to her until she finds the strength to overcome her depression, and you can find this service in your local listings in the phone book.

One of the best options that I almost forgot to mention is ECT, like someone above me mentioned, since it may be your mom's best chance for healing from her depression, and you said that drugs and traditional therapy haven't helped her.

You shouldn't have to take care of her every day as you are doing now, since you need to be living your own life at your age.

Even if none of this advice is practical or doesn't help you at all, I will pray for you and your mom, and you must do the same, because nothing is impossible with God.

Anyway, here's 2 links to treatments that I ran out of time to explain more fully.

May God bless you and help you.

Answer 5

Sorry, but your mom needs more than you can give her. As a nurse, she should know the importance of proper care, and she need psychiatric care NOW. A bad back is one reason to not work, but with depression, she's not going to have the energy or ambition to look for work or properly take care of herself.

If you think she is in danger, you CAN have her put in the hospital and evaluated. She will get put on a proper care routine there - including, if needed, regular visits to a therapist as well as medication. THIS IS WHAT SHE NEEDS, and this is NOT your responsibility.

but again, like addictions and abuse - mental illness is something the patient needs to seek help for herself. If she doens't want it, she will walk away - at which point, you need to think of YOURSELF FIRST. If your mother won't get proper care, you have to take care of yourself first and NOT be made to feel guilty.

Answer 6

This is a tough one.

If she has clinical depression, then she needs medication. Your attention, or lack thereof, will not have ANY effect on her ability to move forward in life. Additionally, continuing to see a mental health professional might be helpful for most of us, but it really won't do anything for her, until she can get her chemical balance back under control. Depression isn't a mood - it's a disease.

I highly recommend that you help her find a doctor - not a psychiatrist, but a medical doctor. You might look for one who specializes in depressive disorders, but find one who will be willing to work with her to find what it is that's out of balance, and then find the right way to get her body to get it back in balance. There should be many blood tests involved...they'll need to look at a lot of different things in order to figure out what piece is missing. Once they figure it out, she'll be on the right path.

Also, always remember that she raised you so that you could be a good grown-up. That means you need to follow-thru with your plans to finish school...In her illness, she might be indicating that she's not happy about it, but trust me, underneath it all, she wouldn't have it any other way.

Answer 7

She is perhaps having a nasty day, if she is like this for all time perhaps you may want to attempt assisting her out some around the residing house you recognize do a load of cloths and fold them,sweep the floor,vacume or dirt purely take 10 min out of the day to do something effective she will be able to be grateful i recognize im a mom and a spouse my childrens are youthful so as that dont complication me that they dont help out reason they cant yet my hubby is lazy i might want to like it if he might want to easily flow do the dishes and sweep the floor and do a very good interest at it you recognize not 0.5 a*s! solid success with your mom

Answer 8

First off - I am so sorry. No one should have to go through any of that. Secondly, you need a life too. No matter what you feel, because she's your mother, should make you stop your own life. Just be there for her the best that you can but you can't make her get up and live for herself. It's impossible. And you shouldn't be forced into giving up your life. You're only 22. You have alot to live for and alot of living to do. Maybe, just maybe, when she sees you living yours it might make her live hers. She's your mother. And it might sound cold but all that you owe your mother is love and respect. Respect her enough as a grown adult who needs to help herself, you can't do it for her. You can be there for her when her medical condition calls for it, but that's all. It'll be hard. You'll feel guilty and angry...but you'll have to work through it. As you already know, there is no easy fix. You've done what you can - now live. And best of luck.

Answer 9

You are enabling her to be the way she is. Stop taking care of her if she won't do anything to help herself. That may sound harsh, but you have to do it or she will NEVER get help for herself. Don't let her guilt you, you are not responsible for her. Tell her it's time for her to see a psychiatrist and another back doctor so she can go back to work. If she can't go back to work because the doctor says so, then she will need to get social security disability and that's it. She has to make her own choices. She'll probably give you a hard time but you need to stand up for yourself. You aren't to blame--but you aren't helping her, either.

Answer 10

Life is a difficult teacher, first the test then the lesson. My suggestion would be to have a sit down discussion about her problems and ofter to help ONLY if she gets in therapy and takes her meds. If she is not willing to help herself and consider you in this matter then maybe you should move on with your life.