What is the funniest thing you've ever heard?

Question

I'm looking for a laugh, who thinks they can make me?

Answer 1

A man, his wife, and their twelve children are waiting at a bus stop. When the bus pulls up a blind man comes along. Their are only thirteen available seats on the bus, so the wife and children get on the bus while the man and the blind man walk to their destination. As they are walking the blind man's cane's "clicks" when it hits the ground are annoying the man. Finally the man says "Why don't you put some rubber on the end of that thing, it is annoying the hell out of me!" That's when the blind man says "Well if you would have put some rubber on the end of your thing, we wouldn't be walking in the first place. So shut the hell up!"

Answer 2

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.



A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. You see, today is my first day as a cab driver -- for the last 25 years, I've been driving a hearse!"

Answer 3

Ladies & gentlemen, the President of the United States: George Bush

Answer 4

Hmmmm.
When President Bush was elected as Predisent of the U.S, AGAIN.

I honestly thought it was a joke. I practically wet myself laughing at the probability.
Then I found out it was true.
Then I completely lost it. Laughed my *** off, for hours.

Answer 5

Nothing make me laugh as much as a good belly laugh from a child nothing false pure honesty

Answer 6

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

Answer 7

The funnist thing i ever heard was that you were getting people to try and make you laugh! HA!
Nah...I'm just jkn about that.
Funniest - Two men talking about how they were going to shoot George w Bush when they to America next week.
Guess it neva happened coz i heard it two years ago. =]

Answer 8

My sister said that when she was in third grade, her teacher was teahing the class when a clown came in and punched her teacher in the face. Now ever since then, her teacher moved down to Australia to visit her sister there. When she told me that, it was so funny! ^_^

Answer 9

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bit*ch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bit*ch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bit*ch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit*ch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit*ch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit*ch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BIT*CH!!!"

Answer 10

my brothers laugh. thats the thanks i get? 13 hours in a bag with a farting dog. TOILET!!