Counseling for me and my 8 year old daughter?

Question

I am the mother of an 8y/o daughter, 4 y/o daughter and currently pg with #3. We do not get along. She does nothing I ask her to do. She's hateful, disrespectful, and somewhat scary. Every morning we fight like crazy. She doesn't want to get out of bed, she doesn't want to eat breakfast and if she does, it's always something we don't have, she doesn't want to get dressed or brush her teeth. When I fix her hair she screams and yells like I'm ripping her head off. Now, don't get me wrong...I know there is something I'm not doing right. But I try so hard. Being that I'm the mother, I know it's in my hands. I start out trying to be nice and playful, but she's so hateful that I end up yelling and screaming and I hate that so much. I try not to do it, but I do. This morning I asked her why she was acting that way and when she did it was like she didn't like us (her dad and I as parents) and she said, "I like Daddy." She wasn't being mean when she said it, she was just very

matter of fact about it. I was so hurt. I would have taken it better if she would have screamed that she hated me. I told her that one day she would have kids of her own, that she carried for 9 months, gave birth to, slept for hours a time with them on your chest, etc and one day they would tell her they didn't like her. When that happened I wanted her to call me and tell me how that made her feel. I'm telling you...I'm so devestated. I've also decided that she's on her own for a while. She will get herself up in the morning, fix her own breakfast, get herself dressed (without me prompting her), get her homework done w/out me, etc. I will take her where she needs to go, when she needs to be there, but that's it. I feel like I'm spending all my time and energy on her and her little sister is getting caught in the middle. Being that I'm pg, I'm very emotional and it takes very little to make me cry. My little one can't hardly stand it when she sees me crying and then all my

left over anger and anxiety is just festering. I never in a million years pictured my life like this. Calling my husband at work nearly every morning after dropping her off at school and crying. I love her pieces, but I can't stand her. I hate this. I made us an appt to see a counselor next week and when I hung up the phone I burst into tears. Am I doing the right thing? It's ovbious that I can't change her and I can't get to the root of the problem, either. I'm at the end of my rope and don't see any other option. I've tried punishment, reward charts, everything. The main thing is that she's a smart, beautiful girl and she's so good at school and her teachers talk about how sweet she is. Why is it she dislikes me so much? What am I doing wrong and do you think counseling will seriously help?

My husband is very helpful when he's home, but he works and I'm a stay at home mom. He steps in and right away and never lets her get away with talking to and treating me with disrespect.

Also, the counselor we're seeing is at a christian counseling service and I wouldn't have it any other way.

While I've had to use some restraint on a couple of occassions, I would never beat my child. That suggestion was completely uncalled for and did nothing but upset me more.

Answer 1

Wow I so feel what you are talking about. I have 1 child and she is 8yrs old. She is doing the same stuff. I am so upset everyday that I also have almost given up on trying anymore. To get through the day is so upsetting. She will not do anything with out me screaming and yelling. I have tried everything I could thing of. She is nice to everybody in the world but me. It is like she does not like me. I talk to my husband about it and he thinks I am crazy. I feel like I have failed has a mother and a parent. I think I will start some counseling for myself. Good Luck and wish me some too!

Answer 2

If you think that there may be some reason she is exhibiting this behavior, some underlying issue that you are aware of...something you know may have triggered it then I think counseling would be a good idea. But if not......

I think you are somewhat on the right track with the "on her own for awhile" idea, but only as long as you don't take that to the extreem which could do more harm than good. I think you could wake her in the morning and say "We are having (?) for breakfast today if you'd like to join us" and then don't say anything else about it, whether she eats or not. And don't let her pick anything else. Don't brush her hair, let her do it. She's old enough to do that herself and if she doesn't then the other kids at school will take care of that problem by making fun of her and she will probably not like that and decide to brush her hair or to ask you to do it. It's more important that she brush her teeth, so I would insist on that one though.

The most important thing to remember is you are the parent, the one in charge. Do Not let her intimidate you with her behavior. She sees that she is frustrating you and upsetting you and is feeding off of that. That's why she said she likes her dad, to see your reaction. Just remain calm, no matter what she says to you and go on about your business. Do not give her the satisfaction of that reaction she's looking for. That's what I mean by saying you are on the right track with the ignoring her thing. But also remember that she's 8, she needs you whether she wants to admit it or not and whether you are getting along or not.

If she refuses to do things you ask her to do then stop asking her. Tell her. Don't say things like "Pick that up, okay?", or "Will you do this or that?". Things stated like that give the child a choice. Tell her what she needs to do, how long she has to do it and what the consequences will be if it is not done and then STICK TO IT.

Consequences should be something that will make threatening them worthwhile. Sending a child to their room is no longer effective because they have all their favorite things in there. Take away things she likes or make her go into a designated area for a certain amount of time where there is nothing fun to do. I'm sure you will be able to think of things that will work. You could even start treating the rest of the family to special things that she will have to miss if she is not a productive member of the family and respectful of other family members.

This may take awhile, don't expect a change overnight. You may be upset and frustrated, (likely no more than you are now) but find a way to deal with it away from her. Scream into a pillow or cry or whatever you need to do to release it, but don't let her see that her behavior is bothering you. And make sure everyone is following the same plan. Dad has to stick to this too. I think that when she sees her behavior isn't having an impact on either of you anymore and that you are going to stick to your guns then I think her bahavior will improve.

Good luck and best wishes for the new baby!!

Answer 3

I am a mother of 3 girls and two boys. And, I have a 8yr girlright along with a 13yr old girl. You are going through what I so, like to call the Drama Queen stage. When, they are more negative than positive and, when no matter what you do is not good enough. Hun, it is just a phase that has to be dealt with understanding and no it is not your fault. Kids like to push buttons to get a reaction out of the parent to find out how far they can push you and all you need to do is keep a level head and repition of I love you ,and I know you don't really mean that. She will say yes I do . Then you should say something like will I am soory you feel that way but, if you want to continue to yell and scream please go to your room and do so. The wal is ready to listen, and when you feel you can come back out and talk nicely then maybe we can find a solution to why you are upset. After, a couple of times of doing that she will come around and, learn that the way to comunicate isn't by being hateful.

Answer 4

Yes, see a counselor. And you should get a recommendation first. Your little girl might be jealous, since you are pregnant and she has a little sister. She might feel like she is being slighted. Maybe you could try to take a day out with just you and her and do something she enjoys? But your wanting to see a counselor is a good idea and if it doesn't work out, you can always stop going. Good luck. I'll keep you in my prayers.

I am so sorry that your relationship with your daughter is not how you would like it to be. I understand some of what you are going through because I used to have trouble getting along with my Dad and I still have problems with that sometimes.

Answer 5

I think you are doing the right thing right now by seeing a counselor. I also think you are doing the right thing by stepping back and making her take responsibility for herself. She sounds like she's at a point in her life when she really needs to start taking responsibility for waking herself up with an alarm clock and maybe even making her own breakfast if she won't be satisfied by you. It's a hard step for a lot of parents to force some responsibility onto their children, but she'll thank you for it when she's in college and can get to class because she doesn't need someone to wake her up. It's a good idea to let her take responsibility for herself in the mornings (perhaps with a bit of guidance). De let her teacher know what is going on (the step into her taking care of herself in the morning) so that she won't worry that strange things are happening at home when your daughter comes looking more disheveled than usual. I teach, and I wouldn't want her teacher to worry that there is abuse/neglect going on suddenly. Good luck with the counseling.

Answer 6

Its probably a phase. My 7 year old sister is going through it now, she screams at everything and generally just whines all the time.

Does your husband let her get away with certain things that you do not? If so, that could certainly affect the situation. Talk with him to see if he knows anything.

In my family my mom was always the strtict one, and she was nosy, I think thats what I hated the most as I got older. Or shed try to talk when I wouldnt be in the mood to talk.
But mainly I knew I could get away with certain things while my dad was around and when my mom was here Id just get angry because I couldnt do what I wanted. It sounds terrible, and Im sure it is, but thats the mentality of a child.

Maybe you both just have strong opposing personalities as well. Do you both always want things to go your own way? And when they dont thats usually when the fights break out, at least with us.

The screaming/whining will eventually phase out, but the fighting might not. Try to resolve it now, even if it does mean counseling, otherwise it might just get worse through teenage years.

Answer 7

Ask yourself this question who's the mom and who's the child? You can'y let no 8 year old walk all over you the baby # 2 a #3 i s gonna think that its ok to do this and before you know it you're gonna have a houseful of disrespect. Remember you don't spare the rod and spoil the child. I also have a 8yr old daughter that I dare to act like that. I don't think that you having her do everything on her own is good either cause then she will think she's grown and really act out of control then. No counseling grab the belt and tear that *** up. You'll be glad you did

Answer 8

Kids will try to manipulate you. They are testing the boundaries. It's part of growing up. She's probably not evil - yet. You've got to decide that you won't be manipulated. Don't get upset about it - just realize what is happening and when it happens tell her that her behavior is not appropriate. Perhaps both of you would benefit from another perspective, so counseling might be good. But take the time to find someone good - perhaps your daughter's school has a counselor who could recommend someone. Good luck - remember she is a blessing!

Answer 9

My daughter and I were having a hard time bonding she is 7. She also started getting into some trouble. I enrolled her into counseling ( I go everyothere week with her). This I think has helped a lot. She is easier to talk with, more capable of following the rules, and in less trouble.

As far as mornings and breakfest. I would change bedtime to 8-8:30pm. This way she can wake early. I would pack a breakfest bar into her school bag, and tell her she can eat it when she is ready. Leave it her choice to eat it.

Answer 10

I would definately get some counseling. Please get a recomendation from a preacher or a school counselor on who you should see. Dont just find someone in the yellow pages. Dont put it off do it now! I was in a situation that i needed counseling but kept putting it off (big mistake). You will need to go to the initial visit by yourself. I know your situation is beyond frustrating. I hope you can get yourself and your child some help so you can have some peace. Good luck and God bless