How can I save this relationship?

Question

I live with a wonderful man but we have a lot of problems. I pick over him...he doesn't have his driver's liscense (he's 25 and has just never gotten it)...he works retail making a crappy wage with no plan for future...he smokes...he has dreams of being a money making musician but no back up plan and no band for years...our sex life sucks (about once or twice a month)...I usually end up doing all of the chores around the house unless I ask him. He is frustrated because I keep harping him and telling him I'm unhappy and we need to do something to fix us. He never has anything negative to say about me but is very passive aggresive and uses guilt a lot. I feel bad allways complaining. I continue to stay with him because I fell in love with his wit and charm and we have a lot of common interests and beliefs. We laugh a lot together and we co-raise 2 loveable cats. But will he ever grow up? Should I expect him to mature? Should I move on...and if so how do I go...we live together?

We really do get a long well other than his own issues. I know I make him sound horrible but he is such a good person with strong morales. Very trustworthy and dependable and respectful of women. He is very generous with the little big that he does have.

He even suggested we go to counseling and I've been trying to identify some of my own faults in this. But how does one know if it's worth all the work?

Answer 1

Stop waisting his and your time. Grow up and be mature about relationships. If you don't respect someone for who they are and where they are at, then you are obviously more committed to being right and making him wrong. That is a real immature way to go about loving a person. Grow up and get out of his and your own way. Life is too short.

Answer 2

I was in a relationship similar to this once. I wasn't happy, he didn't have any solutions and I didn't like that I had become a complainer.

You can't save this relationship because he doesn't want what you want. How can two walk together unless they agree? You have voiced your concerns and have not received any resolve. There is nothing else that you can do.

People say: "If they love me, they'll change". And that is just not true, to have real change, that comes from within yourself.

He doesn't want to change, he just wants you off his back. He may be a nice guy, but you guys just don't have enough in common to maintain this relationship.

From your details and the fact that you constantly nag about different things, it's obvious that he is not the type of man that you see yourself with, as far as a true connection and a life mate. That's o.k.

You want to have hope because he has some good qualities...............BUT, it's not going to change. I'm sorry.

You are better off just ending it now and taking some time to regroup and move on and giving him time to really examine his life.

Trust me, nagging him or harping on him about doing things that he should have done already (being a man) will just distance him from you anyway.

If you can take things being the way they are then continue without the complaints, but if you wake up everyday loving him, but still not being fulfilled in the relationship, then it's time to break it off.

It's not selfish to want to be happy "in" the relationship that you are in. It's not unreasonable to want your partner to do the right things for his life. But you can not want for someone more than they want for themselfes. You are wasting valuable time and energy.

Maybe you guys could still be friends and hang out and do the things you like to do together, but the relationship is really already over. You should make it official, so that you can move on and be happy.

Answer 3

It doesn't sound like he won't be maturing any time soon. He is 25- he has no plans. Becoming a musician who makes money is very difficult- he doesn't even seem too enthusiastic about that if he doesn't have a band. If he really wanted that he would be working his *** off. At least he does chores when asked to. But that isn't enough to keep you happy. You guys should "take a break". Date other people, he may realize how wonderful you are and try to get you back. Or he may not- he may just settle and dupe some other woman. Realistically, you deserve so much better. Perhaps you two could remain friends- it does seem like you have a bit in common. I wish you luck in your decision.

Answer 4

you haven't told me much about you, anyway, you picked him, hopefully for him, not what you could change him into. that said, he doesn't sound like a keeper to me, get tough, lay it all out on the table, if you can come to a compromise, great, but i don't expect him to quit smoking, find the greatest paying job, change into a sex god and keep the house clean just because, if it were that easy there wouldn't be any breakups and a lot more top salary jobs out there! There is give and take, usually more give than take, that's just plane fact. or the relationship just won't work. what's important to you, if it ain't there, you aren't going to be happy. compromise or move on. 5 years from now, he'll either be a distant memory and smart decision to have made, or you'll still be with him, either miserable, or content with you compromise! It may seem tough now, cause you have a biased opinion, but a year later and you won't know why you had such a hard time figuring that out!

Answer 5

First, ask yourself if you love him. If the answer is "Yes without a doubt" then your relationship is worth saving.

Now, how to get him to grow up. My favorite thing to do is to use his own tactics against him. If he uses guilt on you, use it back on him.

However, some people just take more time than others. It may take him decades to realize that he just needs to move to the next maturity level.

If you decide to move on, tell him your leaving and then just go. Find some friends to move in with or something. But just go. Tell him to call you when he grows up.

Answer 6

At 25 he acts like a 14 year old. you say that everything sucks so the best thing to do is leave him. How? just tell him that you are tired of taking care of him and that its time for him to start doing something about his life............... Are you happy being that this relationship if not then walk out of it when its not too late.

Answer 7

ALL PROBLEMS CAN BE SOLVED IT JUST DEPENDS ON HOW MUCH WORK AND EFFORT YOU AND YOU ALONE ARE WILLING TO PUT INTO IT DUE TO THE FACT THAT HE ISN'T CONCERNED ABOUT YOU LEAVING NOR WANT THINGS TO CHANGE. HAVE YOU MADE HIM AWARE OF HOW UNHAPPIER YOU ARE AND IF YOU HAVE AND HE HASN'T CHANGED WHAT ARE U STILL THERE FOR? DO YOU LIKE NOT BEING HAPPY? LIVING TOGETHER MEANS ALOT WHEN YOUR DOING IT BUT FINALLY WHEN YOU BREAK FREE HAPPINESS IS MORE OF A REWARD THAN LIVING WITH SOMEONE WHO ISN'T MAKING YOU HAPPY TRUST ME I KNOW WAS THERE FOR 2 YEARS AND I THOUGHT MY LIFE WAS OVER THAN I REALIZED I WASN'T HAPPY AND THEIR IS SO MUCH MORE OUT THERE.

Answer 8

girl get rid of that loser.....Please if u r working hard and hes being a pain in the *** ....u deserve way better! he needs to grow up cuz u don't want to support him for the rest of your life. you didnt get into a relationship to be a babysitter and that is exactlly what ur doing, if u want a child go have one, u dont need a ready-made one!!!!

Answer 9

You should make plans for you both together like going out..doing adult things more.. if he doesn't do that with you.. there isn't much you can do..one-way relationships don't work..and your way is working..not his.

Answer 10

sorry, I'm still looking for the "wonderful" part- I see loser. Move out and move on. Unless you like playing his mommy.