How is it possible to grow individually once a person has a child?

Question

It seems that a baby is 24/7/365 hard work, so where and when and how do parents find or make the time for themselves, their own interests, and their hobbies? How does being a parent help a person to self-actualize, if the great majority of their attention, time, resources, money and energy is allocated to tending a baby, working and tending their homes?

Also, why do a lot of women, once they have children, seem to let go of their personal identities or at least put their identities on the back burner, and become mothers first and foremost? Is motherhood THAT all-encompassing? You are yourself first, then a wife if you choose, then a mother if you choose. How hard is it to balance all your roles?

I'm 38 and not interested in having a child. I'm asking because my adult friendships have changed now that some of my friends have children. They're not "themselves" as much; they're more mothers, and I'm finding it hard to relate. Any help is most appreciated. Thank you.

Answer 1

Once you become a parent you realize that your individual growth and "self actualization" is not the number one focus of your life. You become less self-involved. This is not the negative thing you make it sound like. It actually feels good to live your life for another person. It gives life much more meaning. Mothers can and do make time for themselves, and their hobbies, with the help of their husbands, babysitters, etc. Maybe what your seeing in your friends with children is that, when they do get some free time, they are no longer interested in the same things they once were. These could be the things they used to do with you. For example, going out to lunch with friends is not always fun and relaxing with a toddler who will only sit in a high-chair for 15 minutes. Motherhood IS that all-encompassing. Especially for the first five years. As a mother of school-age children, I am now able to exercise regulary, take classes, see friends (without bringing the kids), etc. But when they were younger, my friends were mainly other moms of young children, because we were all in the same boat. I could go to a friend's house, and not worry about whether my kids would ruin the silk pillows, because we all knew better than to have silk pillows around small children. We all had diapers and wipes to share if someone forgot them. We all had plastic cups with lids, and goldfish crackers for snack time. My point is, it's easier to be friends with people who are at the same stage in their lives. That doesn't mean that your friends with kids can no longer be your friends, but the relationships are bound to change. Right now, you have the more flexible life. Maybe you could offer to meet your friends at the park, so the kids can play, and you and your friend can talk. Or, you could go for a walk, with the kid(s) in a stroller. I hope this helps a little!

Answer 2

Having a baby/children is as you put it 24/7/365 HARD WORK, but it's the absolute most rewarding, and that's only my opinion. Parents (may) need to remember or be reminded to make time for themselves, friendships, their interests, etc... and that's where friends enter the picture. If your finding it hard to relate, keep in mind your friends might be feeling the same way towards you. Talk to them, let them know how you’re feeling. They made a choice to have a baby, you’ve made a choice to NOT have a baby. Your lives are much more different than they were before babies arrived. I’m married, 39 and we have a total of 5 children (his are 17 & 15, mine are 15 & 13 & ours is 2). We have friends who choose NOT to have children and that’s great for them and their goals in life. I commend and respect them for knowing what they want and going after it. I expect the same from them.

Why do you think a personal identity has been put on the back burner? Give consideration that the identity is changing/morphing into something that’s more encompassing (Parenthood). Your friends now have more responsibility and taking it seriously. And yes it’s my opinion that parenthood/motherhood is all that encompassing.

Remembering when I had my first child, yes I found it difficult to balance all 3 rolls of my life, it was a major change in my life, it wasn’t going to be easy, but I did it with the help and support of my husband, family and friends. Your friends are no longer their “old selves” they are parents, and facing the most challenging job of their lives. If you are truly a friend then be part of it, spend time with them and baby/children and you’ll find that it’s really not that hard to relate. (Become an extended family member, it's a great feeling and a good example for children, when you can say that so-n-so has been mommies best friend since we were 5). I hope you find this helpful. Good luck.

Answer 3

When a woman choose to become a mother her role in life does change, her first priorities are her children and there well being not her own. We look out for them and we protect them , its our motherly instinct. We would love to go out every once in a while and visit with friends and do the things that we use to do, but all of that really doesn't matter when you have these innocent faces looking at you for guidance and love.We have not lost our identities we just know that being a parent comes first. When you said that you are your self first then a wife then a mother you are speaking just like a women with no responsibilities other than her self, we can't really blame you for thinking that way, but you should talk to your friends and try to understand what it really means to be a mother. Its a choice that we made in our life, its not a punishment. To answer your first question a baby is a 24/7 365 days a week job, they can't take care of them self they NEED us to do it all for them. I hope that I helped you to understand what it is to being a parent and the time it will take away from what you use to do as a single person. Speak with your friends and ask them why did they choose to become a parent.

Answer 4

When you become a parent (mom or dad) your life is all encompassing as a parent first. You have to take the proper look at things in life and decide if being a parent is what you want. If you are still into parties and clubbing and all sorts of other socialization, then you need to forget having a child. Most parents now a days are more into themselves, and forget about the child because of things like day care centers, and school. They don't really think about what the moral obligation of bringing a child into the world is. They pass the buck, and then wonder where they went wrong if the child becomes a troubled child, and then point fingers at everyone else. Your friends are acting as responsible parents as you tell it, and they should be proud of themselfs.

Answer 5

it is possible to grow you just have to make time for yourself. I know that I have to make time for myself and go out with my friends everyonce in a while or else I would go crazy. Being a parent can be stressful and add that on with working full time and being a full time student and you have a major stress factor.

I take time for myself and just relax. That way I'm not snappy. If I go out everyonce in a while I feel like I gain myself back for that time and once I get home its back to mom mode. I think a lot of women put their identities on the back burner because children are now the main priority in their life. Children need their parents to guide them and show them what they need to learn because they wouldnt know otherwise. That's why being a mom is all-encompassing. Your world revolves around your children. But everyone mom should take a time out every once in a while and do something that they enjoy.

Hope I helped at least a little.

Answer 6

I am a father and once I had a kid I changed just like you described about your friends. My social life was void once the baby came. Being a parent is a huge decision to make and if you plan to have a baby then you are probably ready for all the work that goes along with raising a child. Believe me after all the work your reward is so wonderful. You have a person in your life which will love you unconditionally, just as you loved them. You dont loose your identity when raising a baby! You can take the baby with you every where and it just gets easier and easier as you and your baby get adjusted, and believe me it takes atleast the first 9 months to get adjusted to this new little person who clings to you for life and love. You gain a new identity and purpose for your life and you let go of your past and welcome the future. You have to be optomistic and at all costs, do not become a couch patato and grow a huge ***, like most depressed lazy mothers. I stayed home with my baby for the first year and it was the best. I recommend you settle down with and get married and join your friends.

Answer 7

You don't know anything about being a mother until you have had a child so stop complaining. Why do think there are so many bad people in the world- because their parent failed as parents. When you have a child it is your responsibility to sacrifice a lot of things to raise that child properly. But there should always be a balance, you don't have to lose your identity, you just express it differently now.

Answer 8

You grow individually but in a different way! You grow into a mom basically! lol thats the easiest way to put it your constantly learning new things about yourself like ' oh hey i didnt know i could move that fast to keep my child from climbing over the baby gate' and you also grow you extra set of eyes as my neice likes to call them! I have a degenerative hearing problem but since having my little girl i seem to hear a lot better and be more aware of whats going on! As well my hubby and i take 1 night a month where my mom or dad or one of his parents takes our daughter for a sleep over and we go out with friends and catch up on adult things!

Answer 9

Once you have a child you start learning to give more, and be less selfish. Children require a tremendous amount of care early on. As they get older then the parents can re-establish hobbies and take care of their own needs. It's really hard to understand unless you have been a parent. Actually you can grow by learning lessons with your children as they learn them. Sometimes it takes seeing a problem you have in someone else before you can correct it.

Answer 10

Many women do change and many don't change that much. Responsibility comes first of course but there is no reason for any parent to lose themselves. I'm a mother of 2 girls but I also have other roles and each one has a place in my life.

I have an active social life and would not have it any other way. I am ME and will always be ME first.